wander
i'm writing simply because im thinking about a lot of things and i've had a long tiring day at work so i need to stop thinking and let my mind wander...
my mom is pissed because i came home last night at 330 and she had no idea where i was...so now im grounded? and shes being especially bitchy about it. i havent been grounded in like...7 years? yeah i was definitely like 10 years old. so tonight is friday and im not allowed to leave and im not entirely sure if scotts allowed over but hes coming anyways because i dont care. :) if she gets pissed then she can be the one to throw him out and look like a jackass.
also, shes up my ass about college stuff. technically, TECHNICALLY, follow me on this, im only 17 and i dont even have my diploma so i should really not be starting class early, but my mom doesnt have the mindset nor the brain power to understand that. its either cincinnati state or university of cincinnati. its probably going to be cincinnati state, 2 year business degree. but she got the crazy idea that i could take classes for free, which TA DAH! amy was right and no, you have to pay for them. so yeah. i dont know what to do. because shes pressuring me to start classes right now when i dont even have to! ive spent the last 12 years of my life busting my ass to get straight As in all grades and if i cant have a little 6 month respite, im just going to scream. today she informed me that "vacation was over." i looked at her like "yeah right, screw you" which let me tell you, she looooved that.
the simple fact of the matter is that she has lost control over me. im out of high school and can make my own decisions about going to school, where to go, and whether or not im even going. shes freaking out because if she knew what i was 100% doing, then she could change it to whatever she wanted. but since i have no definite plans, she has to sit and wait for me to make a move. because she made the plans to visit akron, she loved it, and she told me that that is where i belonged. well, i actually thought about what i wanted to do, it being MY life an all, and i decided that akron wasnt for me.
so now she thinks its her fault that im not going. which it kind of is, but not entirely. and scott thinks hes holding me back and that its his fault im not going either. although they both are factors, theyre not the entire reason.
you know what i really want to do? be free. thats all, i just want to be free. live by myself, or with someone, and just take pictures. and listen to music and be free and alive! i could just live on the beach with my camera and scott and thats all i need. lol.
jonny and lisa broke up. im pretty sure alcohol had a lot to do with it but dont hold me to it. i know thats why jonny called me wednesday. there was something different about him. and when i asked him how he and lisa were he said "good. not great. not fantastic, just good." im kind of glad. because she brought him down so low that for awhile i didnt even recognize him.
i want to move out this summer. a little part of me is scared, but its a good scared. i want an apartment with scott and jessi, and another boy to balance it out. i want to be free and decorate it and stay out as late as i want. i want to sleep all day and be up all night. i want to be an artist.
do i should like the biggest free spirited hippie ever or what? but i cant stand it here. im suffocating.
i'm so much in love i'm scared. thats my biggest fear. this time i didnt even try to protect myself. i just jumped in. i have never done that before. it just happened. and now im looking back and starting to worry. did i trust too fast? hes never ever given me a reason to not trust him, in fact, hes been overly truthful and tells me he loves me so much etc. but theres just a little part of me that is waiting for the bomb to drop. the cliche "too good to be true" is on repeat in the cd player of my brain.
"i must dreaming, pinch me to wake me."
i feel like my life is a movie that im not part of, im just watching. or its like im sleep walking and everything around me is speeding past and its aware of my existence. its a cool feeling but also very strange. like if i just put on headphones and tuned out the world, that it would be a movie and i could just sit there and watch it. its all a dream sequence to me. never being 100% real to me. nothing sets it. im a little numb. but its ok. im just waiting for the fall to jar me back to reality. and yeah itll suck, but dont you kind of expect it by now?
dang im in the weirdest mood. im sitting here listening to frou frou and it fills my brain and puts me in the wildest mindset. i feel like i should be watching clips of my life speed by, characters of my life fly by. or i should be on the beach at night and just running. but from what? or to what?
im so confused. but its a little bit of a good confused this time.
you know, one another thing. who would have though that three little letters put together could turn your world upside down. i have always been a no sex before marriage advocate. but geez, its easy to live by that when youre not in love with someone. and im not saying that ive slept with him, but its just, if we're in love, why does it have to be strictly marriage? isnt love the "greatest of these"? and i would wait til like we were together for a long time, because sex to me, its still the second biggest commitment ever. its way up there close second to marriage. i would really have to know that i would be with this person forever anyways so why wait til marriage? im just so torn.
lol i just read everything that i wrote. and i am insane.
my mom is pissed because i came home last night at 330 and she had no idea where i was...so now im grounded? and shes being especially bitchy about it. i havent been grounded in like...7 years? yeah i was definitely like 10 years old. so tonight is friday and im not allowed to leave and im not entirely sure if scotts allowed over but hes coming anyways because i dont care. :) if she gets pissed then she can be the one to throw him out and look like a jackass.
also, shes up my ass about college stuff. technically, TECHNICALLY, follow me on this, im only 17 and i dont even have my diploma so i should really not be starting class early, but my mom doesnt have the mindset nor the brain power to understand that. its either cincinnati state or university of cincinnati. its probably going to be cincinnati state, 2 year business degree. but she got the crazy idea that i could take classes for free, which TA DAH! amy was right and no, you have to pay for them. so yeah. i dont know what to do. because shes pressuring me to start classes right now when i dont even have to! ive spent the last 12 years of my life busting my ass to get straight As in all grades and if i cant have a little 6 month respite, im just going to scream. today she informed me that "vacation was over." i looked at her like "yeah right, screw you" which let me tell you, she looooved that.
the simple fact of the matter is that she has lost control over me. im out of high school and can make my own decisions about going to school, where to go, and whether or not im even going. shes freaking out because if she knew what i was 100% doing, then she could change it to whatever she wanted. but since i have no definite plans, she has to sit and wait for me to make a move. because she made the plans to visit akron, she loved it, and she told me that that is where i belonged. well, i actually thought about what i wanted to do, it being MY life an all, and i decided that akron wasnt for me.
so now she thinks its her fault that im not going. which it kind of is, but not entirely. and scott thinks hes holding me back and that its his fault im not going either. although they both are factors, theyre not the entire reason.
you know what i really want to do? be free. thats all, i just want to be free. live by myself, or with someone, and just take pictures. and listen to music and be free and alive! i could just live on the beach with my camera and scott and thats all i need. lol.
jonny and lisa broke up. im pretty sure alcohol had a lot to do with it but dont hold me to it. i know thats why jonny called me wednesday. there was something different about him. and when i asked him how he and lisa were he said "good. not great. not fantastic, just good." im kind of glad. because she brought him down so low that for awhile i didnt even recognize him.
i want to move out this summer. a little part of me is scared, but its a good scared. i want an apartment with scott and jessi, and another boy to balance it out. i want to be free and decorate it and stay out as late as i want. i want to sleep all day and be up all night. i want to be an artist.
do i should like the biggest free spirited hippie ever or what? but i cant stand it here. im suffocating.
i'm so much in love i'm scared. thats my biggest fear. this time i didnt even try to protect myself. i just jumped in. i have never done that before. it just happened. and now im looking back and starting to worry. did i trust too fast? hes never ever given me a reason to not trust him, in fact, hes been overly truthful and tells me he loves me so much etc. but theres just a little part of me that is waiting for the bomb to drop. the cliche "too good to be true" is on repeat in the cd player of my brain.
"i must dreaming, pinch me to wake me."
i feel like my life is a movie that im not part of, im just watching. or its like im sleep walking and everything around me is speeding past and its aware of my existence. its a cool feeling but also very strange. like if i just put on headphones and tuned out the world, that it would be a movie and i could just sit there and watch it. its all a dream sequence to me. never being 100% real to me. nothing sets it. im a little numb. but its ok. im just waiting for the fall to jar me back to reality. and yeah itll suck, but dont you kind of expect it by now?
dang im in the weirdest mood. im sitting here listening to frou frou and it fills my brain and puts me in the wildest mindset. i feel like i should be watching clips of my life speed by, characters of my life fly by. or i should be on the beach at night and just running. but from what? or to what?
im so confused. but its a little bit of a good confused this time.
you know, one another thing. who would have though that three little letters put together could turn your world upside down. i have always been a no sex before marriage advocate. but geez, its easy to live by that when youre not in love with someone. and im not saying that ive slept with him, but its just, if we're in love, why does it have to be strictly marriage? isnt love the "greatest of these"? and i would wait til like we were together for a long time, because sex to me, its still the second biggest commitment ever. its way up there close second to marriage. i would really have to know that i would be with this person forever anyways so why wait til marriage? im just so torn.
lol i just read everything that i wrote. and i am insane.