I am about to seem like an incredibly big child...
but I'm scared. I have this terrible, horrible, lingering fear. I suppose that it is normal. However, as reality sets in, as I start to think about budgets, and snow tires, and visiting Ray twice a year, and my impending graduate student status, I have to stop. I'm simply paralyzed by fear and impending doom. I can't start sifting through my stuff to figure out what goes and what stays. The cat, the books, the clothes, the pictures...what do I do with all of it, you ask? Hell if I know. I finally mustered the bravery to send out my lease and security deposit, as well as give notice to my landlord. Now I'm really moving. Now I'm really going to grad school.
I suppose, mostly, that it is a manifestation of impostor syndrome. Am I really qualified to teach undergrads? To write at the graduate level? To learn another language? I'm not sure, but Binghamton seems to think I am, and I am a stubbornly silly bitch. I'll keep trying to achieve, I'll keep on keepin' on, working 13 hour days and more sometimes, 80ish hours a week. Everything is just so different now that I'm actually moving in a month. What if my dream turns out to be a five year long nightmare? I suppose I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it. It just sits there in the back of my mind though. I think it will get better once I have something to focus on other than working in a restaurant for 39 hours a week, and reading science fiction novels. We will see.
I suppose, mostly, that it is a manifestation of impostor syndrome. Am I really qualified to teach undergrads? To write at the graduate level? To learn another language? I'm not sure, but Binghamton seems to think I am, and I am a stubbornly silly bitch. I'll keep trying to achieve, I'll keep on keepin' on, working 13 hour days and more sometimes, 80ish hours a week. Everything is just so different now that I'm actually moving in a month. What if my dream turns out to be a five year long nightmare? I suppose I'll cross that bridge if and when I come to it. It just sits there in the back of my mind though. I think it will get better once I have something to focus on other than working in a restaurant for 39 hours a week, and reading science fiction novels. We will see.