(no subject)
You know I wish I didn't feel this way.. and it's almost like I'm on the verge of not feeling this way but I can't stop myself from falling over.
As much as I know it's not true- it still feels this way, especially down here where being my age and single is almost unheard of- I feel like everyone else has found someone but me. Even if I wanted to look down here I can't, because well frankly there isn't anywhere to look. It just feels like things are working out for most of my friends and my ex's/ formers. and then there's me. Sometimes I feel like that lonely little unicorn who can't get on the Arc with everyone else.
yes I realize that feeling this way isn't attractive, and yes I realize that I will find love when I'm not looking for it...I'm not sure I believe in that last one anymore. Usually when I'm not looking for it I'm too busy for it, and that leads to problems.
My most recent ex told me that I was too negative on myself. Am I? Am I truely negative or do I play the martyr? And if I play the martyr- why?
I guess this just all boils down to I'm afraid people are going to forget about me down here. yes I went to school 45 minutes away, but most of my truely good friends are scattered.. kat's still down there, and Jeb, Dave when he talks to me, but who else? VKS- who I feel like I have failed to be a good friend to this past year... Aundrea and I have lost touch and drifted from where we used to be. There are times that I do wish I could go back to college, if I could just pick and choose which parts to re- live. I don't want to change the things I don't think, but just be back in those days... days when I wasn't so jaded about love... Back to friends from CCU- Adam is married and in NY, Kelly is in IN or OH, Brandy is in KY, Char is back home, Karen is in Flo-town, Will is in Baltimore, Mike is in Boston at last check.. And then you have my grad school friends- Angel Florida Josh and Gen are in Columbia and Steph is somewhere driving between Chester and Columbia probably. I miss them. I miss going to Yo Burrito about once a week and talking about nothing in particular, I miss sitting in my apt in the dark talking, I miss dancing around my apartment to cheesy 80's songs or Broadway songs...
I find myself fighting the urge to become friends with my students because I am craving friendship that much and I don't want to become friends with them.. it' not good.
oh well I need to go to bed
As much as I know it's not true- it still feels this way, especially down here where being my age and single is almost unheard of- I feel like everyone else has found someone but me. Even if I wanted to look down here I can't, because well frankly there isn't anywhere to look. It just feels like things are working out for most of my friends and my ex's/ formers. and then there's me. Sometimes I feel like that lonely little unicorn who can't get on the Arc with everyone else.
yes I realize that feeling this way isn't attractive, and yes I realize that I will find love when I'm not looking for it...I'm not sure I believe in that last one anymore. Usually when I'm not looking for it I'm too busy for it, and that leads to problems.
My most recent ex told me that I was too negative on myself. Am I? Am I truely negative or do I play the martyr? And if I play the martyr- why?
I guess this just all boils down to I'm afraid people are going to forget about me down here. yes I went to school 45 minutes away, but most of my truely good friends are scattered.. kat's still down there, and Jeb, Dave when he talks to me, but who else? VKS- who I feel like I have failed to be a good friend to this past year... Aundrea and I have lost touch and drifted from where we used to be. There are times that I do wish I could go back to college, if I could just pick and choose which parts to re- live. I don't want to change the things I don't think, but just be back in those days... days when I wasn't so jaded about love... Back to friends from CCU- Adam is married and in NY, Kelly is in IN or OH, Brandy is in KY, Char is back home, Karen is in Flo-town, Will is in Baltimore, Mike is in Boston at last check.. And then you have my grad school friends- Angel Florida Josh and Gen are in Columbia and Steph is somewhere driving between Chester and Columbia probably. I miss them. I miss going to Yo Burrito about once a week and talking about nothing in particular, I miss sitting in my apt in the dark talking, I miss dancing around my apartment to cheesy 80's songs or Broadway songs...
I find myself fighting the urge to become friends with my students because I am craving friendship that much and I don't want to become friends with them.. it' not good.
oh well I need to go to bed