scrambler
i have so much to write about but i don't even know where to start. my thoughts are actually a jumbled mess and everything is confused.
-i have the test to become an "immigration enforcement agent" coming up on the 9th. i'm going to take the practice test once i'm done here.
-i registered to take the test to become a mechanic at work, i have a 2-inch thick booklet thingy to study. and i don't even know when the test is going to be exactly.
-i also registered to take the test to become an electrical technician but i'm undesided on whether i want to go through with that one.
-i don't like adam anymore. he called me back one night and was just being a prick. he was defensive, accusational, beligerant and i hadn't said hardly a word to him but asked him about some ideas for over the summer that HE HIMSELF came up with. he hasn't called since so i guess thats it. it will be another long time before i search him out again. i feel like a fool for ever liking him to begin with. i thought maybe i hadn't ever given him a chance, but now i know why.
-jake and i are friends again, well sort of. i'll see if he actually gets around to calling me ever.
-i have been hanging out with brian and was going to see trysh and ed last night. its good to finally have people to hang out with. its still not enough though. still not much in the way of a reason to exist.
-this depression thing has gotten dangerous. i have developed these episodes of suicidel thoughts and despair. i almost called a suicide hotline a few nights ago. however i must say that just knowing there is someone i can call has helped a lot without even calling yet. the past few days i have been ok though. i know that this won't last however and eventually i'm going to call that hotline. maybe they can set me up with a therapist. i can't find one myself, no one is taking new patients.
-my old friend dave found my other friend, melanie's email for me. that was really cool of him. i was thinking that maybe after i get done taking these tests, i would go away. maybe visit melanie, maybe find a place and live down there until a new job calls me.
-my sister wrote me an email. she wants to amend things and be friends again. she was apologetic over past misdeeds. the whole thing was touching but i find myself aprehensive. i didn't really know what to say in response. she wanted to leave comments in my journal and maybe i'm just not ready to unblock her yet. i am certainly not ready to forgive anyone for crimes that went on when my mother was dying. will i ever be ready? i associate her with the same negative feelings that i do with my father. both of them spent many years trying to tear me down and make me out to be something i'm not. i'm not sure what to do now that she wants to open the lines of communication again.
-i need to find something to do today so as not to become depressed. i wish i had a better day off then wednesday. i'll probably take that test, run, and go read at borders. maybe i'll clean my apartment.
-i have the test to become an "immigration enforcement agent" coming up on the 9th. i'm going to take the practice test once i'm done here.
-i registered to take the test to become a mechanic at work, i have a 2-inch thick booklet thingy to study. and i don't even know when the test is going to be exactly.
-i also registered to take the test to become an electrical technician but i'm undesided on whether i want to go through with that one.
-i don't like adam anymore. he called me back one night and was just being a prick. he was defensive, accusational, beligerant and i hadn't said hardly a word to him but asked him about some ideas for over the summer that HE HIMSELF came up with. he hasn't called since so i guess thats it. it will be another long time before i search him out again. i feel like a fool for ever liking him to begin with. i thought maybe i hadn't ever given him a chance, but now i know why.
-jake and i are friends again, well sort of. i'll see if he actually gets around to calling me ever.
-i have been hanging out with brian and was going to see trysh and ed last night. its good to finally have people to hang out with. its still not enough though. still not much in the way of a reason to exist.
-this depression thing has gotten dangerous. i have developed these episodes of suicidel thoughts and despair. i almost called a suicide hotline a few nights ago. however i must say that just knowing there is someone i can call has helped a lot without even calling yet. the past few days i have been ok though. i know that this won't last however and eventually i'm going to call that hotline. maybe they can set me up with a therapist. i can't find one myself, no one is taking new patients.
-my old friend dave found my other friend, melanie's email for me. that was really cool of him. i was thinking that maybe after i get done taking these tests, i would go away. maybe visit melanie, maybe find a place and live down there until a new job calls me.
-my sister wrote me an email. she wants to amend things and be friends again. she was apologetic over past misdeeds. the whole thing was touching but i find myself aprehensive. i didn't really know what to say in response. she wanted to leave comments in my journal and maybe i'm just not ready to unblock her yet. i am certainly not ready to forgive anyone for crimes that went on when my mother was dying. will i ever be ready? i associate her with the same negative feelings that i do with my father. both of them spent many years trying to tear me down and make me out to be something i'm not. i'm not sure what to do now that she wants to open the lines of communication again.
-i need to find something to do today so as not to become depressed. i wish i had a better day off then wednesday. i'll probably take that test, run, and go read at borders. maybe i'll clean my apartment.