my grandmother
I posted a reply to Hotcoco not long ago and erased it out of shame. I am shamed by my fucked up family history and no matter how freeing it might feel to write about it in the moment, rereading later never feels anything, but bad. My Grandfather was a monster, part of his Monster DNA runs in me, no matter how much I wish it weren't true. I have no clue what my Grandmother was like. I know she was beautiful from looking at photos. My own mother has dementia now and the stories from her own childhood memories with her are slim to none now and yet the history stands via family gossip and cold hard facts. Her life must have been incredibly scary at times, probably a good dose of shame and most likely exhilarating too, living on the edge of lie that predicates your entire existance. Had she been born today, some 73 odd years later, none of it would have mattered. Life is so aribtrary.
