(no subject)
Please, just make it stop.
I don't think i can go through this. I just can't. I feel alone, depressed and utterly uninspired. Oh, and there's also school... i feel like if i go back there (i'm currently on holidays) i'm going to choke or something. I can't breathe when i'm there, i... i can't.
People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, in all their ignorance, and quite off topic right now, the vast majority of them do not know that was said by Nietzche, fucking idiots.
Point is, he was wrong. Fuck, what doesn't kill you hurts you, it doesn't makes you stronger, that's bullshit. How can this... feeling make me any stronger??? IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY! IT'S KILLING ME! IT'S NOT MAKING ME FUCKING STONGER! I am weak. I cannot take this, i can't.
Have you ever got that feeling, when your eyes start to sting and there's this impossible knot in your chest and you feel like you could die from the pain? From the pure, utter agony? Like you can actually feel your heart and soul shatterning? That the pain is so fucking there that you can actually hear your heart's pieces clattering as they make contact with the floor? and you'r just too weak to pick them up, you can't... you've done it too many times? Yeah that's how i feel. And the fact that i am listening to NIN right now really doesn't help the situation.
I'm alone, now, you've heard me say this countless times before, and i really thought that i was over it, that i had finally accepted it... but truth is i haven't. I know one should not be affected by the company of others, or the lack of in any case, but right now i feel like my heart could break. Like i could break in any moment. It's just so cold, so... nothing.
And oh, i want to break. I want this fucking thing to stop. I cannot do this anymore. I want to scream, i want to ask for help, for someone to be with me, for someone to just... be there. But i'm weak and stupid and shy and insecure... and i want to end it all but i am too much of a fucking coward. I hate myself.. no, i LOATHE myself. For caring, for feeling, for giving a fuck. For not turning back... for wanting. And i really would love to say that i don't feel anything, that i am numb, but i am not. I hurt. So bad... and i feel like a fucking child, letting you know this. I feel like i am a whiner. and maybe i am... and i am really getting tired of just saying "and", like i had something to add. But i don't. And it won't ever stop. I am falling apart can't you see?! I CAN’T DO THIS!!!! NOT ANYMORE!!!! I WAN'T IT SO MUCH TO END!!!!!!!!!
I just want something... someone but i don't have anyone. And i am tired of feeling alone. I could say that i feel lonely, but i don't feel lonely. Loneliness is when you choose to be alone. But i feel trully and utterly alone. So very alone.
And it hurts so much, and sometimes the pain is so very raw that in its intensity it gives me the feeling that none of this is real. Maybe there is no purpose to this, maybe i should just let go.
Maybe i am meant to be alone. And i feel like i could just... fall apart. I want to fall apart, i cannot do this anymore. Not with this agony i'm feeling.
My heart is breaking i can hear it, i can feel it.
please just.. just make it stop..
... please...