(no subject)
Lily Evans had the most beautiful smile Severus had ever seen, and he was certain there was nothing more painful then watching her smile at James. It was in the way she turned her head just enough to catch Severus in the corner of her eye, and let her half-gaze linger before turning her full attention back to James. He watched her loop her arm around James’ waist, watched the way James turned and drew her impossibly close. She laughed then, turning red. Sirius, Remus and Peter flocked around her and James, laughing and taking her from view. He heard her joyous shriek…
Severus felt his stomach turn, and he bowed his head to continue to sketch. He could ignore the laughter, the joy, that didn’t faze him. He spent most of his school career right behind the action. Watching. It was knowing that she had chosen them over him that hurt. Or worst yet, knowing she had chosen them because of him that made him sick.
And it was her eyes looking at him still that burned.
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
to save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he comes
Severus became aware of Italian leather shoes not two inches from his knee. As a rule, Severus was ignorant of clothes (one of the few things he didn’t spend hours researching about the “haves”) but he knew quality. He knew what he didn’t have. He knew what he wanted, and while it wasn’t tailored Italian leather oxfords, it was usually in the possession of men who wore them and smelled of Cuban tobacco. Severus looked up, slowly and felt his back stiffen at as he stared up at Abraxas Malfoy.
The first thing he noticed was Abraxas played with his hands. He kept palming a gold pocket watch, and let his thumb and forefinger trace the chain to where it connected with the watch and then continued upward to his vest, while keeping the timepiece in his palm. After memorizing that motion, Severus ventured a look up at his face. Fathomless gray eyes were boring into him, causing Severus to shift nervously.
“Let lose on such a pretty day?” Abraxas drawled, his voice rich with a special brand of mirth that made Severus think he was about to be strangled again. “Where’s your handler, boy?” Severus swallowed down the desire to glower. He couldn’t stop the quick eye dart, however and Abraxas followed his gaze. The older man seemed to consider Lily with the Marauders for a long moment before musing. “Ah…” He turned and studied Severus once more before moving to walk away. “Follow.”
Snape had no intention of doing so. “Another interview, Governor?”
“Another lesson, Mr. Snape.”
Severus blinked, and followed.
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young
Severus’ scores were better then James Potter’s, but his popularity was not. He continued to remain under the radar, for the rest of his career. After his mother died the year of the Audit, Severus began to spend more time with Avery and Rosier. He would spend every free moment he could at their houses over the summer, when he wasn’t working for Tobias. And occasionally, just occasionally, Abraxas would pay a call on their fathers.
The Malfoy lord, with his fine shoes and sweet smelling tobacco, never seemed surprised to find Severus there. Nor did he hesitate to pluck the boy away from his friends, demanding the boy “run errands for him.” Severus took to these impromptu kidnappings hungrily, and continued to watch him.
Abraxas noted the hunger and indulged it at a distance.
Can we climb this mountain
I don’t know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now
Watch it go
Severus began to hate Abraxas very soon after their ‘walks’ began. He hated the way Abraxas almost smiled at him, or would at times study him with those cold eyes, and then would dismiss him just quickly. He hated the way the man walked: not strutting like his son, but merely existing. Abraxas had a way of capturing the attention and holding it. And he was greedy, unwilling to release it. He found himself vying for the man’s attention, impatiently demanding it at once and then falling over himself to continue to prove ‘entertaining.’
That’s what Abraxas called it too. Entertainment. It made Severus feel like a dog performing his tricks.
We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane
That started turning
When you were young
When you were young
Abraxas touched him once in public, and only once. Severus remembered it well. He was sitting in the Manor, talking with Lucius, Narcissa and Bellatrix, sharing dinner. It was early enough on in the war, that names like Death Eater and Dark Mark had not yet entered the common vernacular but it was already clear that Lucius and Bellatrix was posed to become the Dark Lord’s most beloved lieutenants. Lucius was proud to be in such a position.
The Mark had burned, and oblivious to the dangers, one by one they began to Apparate away. Abraxas reached out to grab Severus’ arm.
“Sir, I have to go…” Severus began, staring at the hand and surprised at the openness of the display. He looked up, catching those eyes. It was the first time he ever saw that expression in anyone’s eyes. For a long time, Severus was pinned under it. He nodded then, without Abraxas having to speak. “I’ll protect him. I promise. He’ll always come home.”
Then, and only then, did Abraxas release his arm.
And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live
When you were young
Abraxas looked at him in disgust once, and only once. Severus was washing the blood off his hands, when he felt the presence. He jumped and spun about. He was not surprised to see Abraxas in his apartment. Nor was he surprised to see him making himself comfortable. Severus was surprised however, to see Abraxas take off his glove and draw a finger across the edge of the blade Alecto had given him. Severus felt his stomach twist, and looked away. It was one of only a handful of times Severus couldn’t find the gall to meet Abraxas’ eyes.
“So,” Abraxas said, softly in a voice that could have been a curse and caress. “You’ve traded one leash for another.”
They say the devil's water
It ain't so sweet
You don’t have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while
After that moment in his kitchen, despite every intention and desire to gain the heart that the Carrows demanded and wished him to have, Severus could never quite grasp the beauty of their work. It became ash. He could perform the actions well enough, could still obey and get the information needed. He could do all the terrible things that were needed. But he could never enjoy it.
It destroyed him.
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he comes
Severus was asleep when the Dark Lord vanished. He felt the Mark burn. He woke up, howling in pain. For a long time, he was aware only of the pain that came scorching through his body in waves, blinding him and blocking out oxygen and Abraxas’ cool arms wrapped around him, the man’s chest pressed against his back. Everything was blackness, and pain with the only comfort coming from the older man’s strong grip on him, and a low almost fevered litany in his ear.
Abraxas didn’t release him until his breathing had slowed to match his own. His had brushed back Severus’ hair, in steady even rhythm with their pounding hearts. It was Severus who retreated first, pulling free.
“You should go.” Severus whispered. He didn’t want to look up. Didn’t want to see his face. He couldn’t bear to see Abraxas at this moment. “Your son is going to need you. You should go…”
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
like you imagined
when you were young
(talks like a gentleman)
(like you imagined)
when you were young
There was one more memory, just as vivid, and it’s really the only one that burns. Severus had been called in to testify before the Wizengamot. The chair was the most disturbing thing he had ever seen, rivaling any of the tools he had been given in Amycus and Alecto’s workshop. The Dementors that lingered nearby scared him even more. The four hours he sat there, stammering out answers, and looking around the room for familiar faces. He caught Albus, and kept his eyes glued on the older man.
He realized Abraxas had been there only as he was being led out. It was the first time they had seen each other since that night. As Severus began to walk forward, he became aware of Albus’ hand on his wrist. Their eyes met.
And then Severus followed the Headmaster out of the courtroom.
I said he doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know