day 139
you know, i know that there are a lot of people that have huge struggles going on, and i deeply sympathize with them. but right now, today especially, i just feel like my life is forever doomed to be one step short of what i want it to be. today is the day where my life feels like it's falling apart at the seams, and then the personified life f'ing kicks me when i'm down. seriously, just when i think i am starting to get a handle of something, treading water, keeping my head above water, i get sideswiped and dragged down.
the plus side is that i recogize this battle in my heart, so i can make steps to fight against it. but today, damn, i just feel like i've been fighting so long that i'm running out of energy to fight.
and i know all the theological answers, and i know that God is continuing to provide for me and protect me. but there are just some days where i feel like psalm 42. i'm trying to find God, i so desperately want to see Him and be refreshed by His Spirit. and i can't. i can't find the streams of living water. i'm dying of thirst and starting to convulse and all i want to know is that God is there and that He loves me. but i feel nothing but abandonment.
but then the psalmist goes on to say "why are you cast down, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? hope in God; for i shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
this, too, shall pass. but tonight? tonight just hurts.
the plus side is that i recogize this battle in my heart, so i can make steps to fight against it. but today, damn, i just feel like i've been fighting so long that i'm running out of energy to fight.
and i know all the theological answers, and i know that God is continuing to provide for me and protect me. but there are just some days where i feel like psalm 42. i'm trying to find God, i so desperately want to see Him and be refreshed by His Spirit. and i can't. i can't find the streams of living water. i'm dying of thirst and starting to convulse and all i want to know is that God is there and that He loves me. but i feel nothing but abandonment.
but then the psalmist goes on to say "why are you cast down, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? hope in God; for i shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."
this, too, shall pass. but tonight? tonight just hurts.