Love, Need, Sacrifice
Title Love, Need, Sacrifice
Author somedayxxbway (Jess!)
Pairing Callie/Arizona
Rating PG (some mild violence and harsh words)
Summary Callie runs to escape the gunman and finds herself in the place she most desperately needs--and cannot--be. Please review! I actually wrote this based off of spoilers and speculations BEFORE the spoiler came out today... It's a coincidence that they're about the same thing. Keep in mind that this fic IS based off finale spoilers&speculations.
Disclaimer All television shows, books, movies, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Bang.
Callie was running.
Bang.
Is this what a gunshot sounded like? Callie had never heard a real gun go off. It was a lot quieter than she would have expected. But that did not take away from the tension of the situation. Rather, it added to it. Made it seem scarier.
Bang.
She heard screams. She did not dare turn around to see if it was someone she knew. She hoped against all hope that those she loved were safe.
Tears streamed down Callie’s cheeks. What had begun as a decision made by the Chief regarding a woman with minimal brain activity had now turned into warfare. Callie had heard rumors about it. A man suing Derek for declaring his wife brain-dead. But never would anyone have thought that the same man, having not found peace from this legal action, would come to get his revenge through blood.
Callie heard the gunshots getting farther away, but still she ran. She needed somewhere to go, to hide. She needed a place where she could think things out, call people she knew, warn those who had not come to work yet, find out if everyone was safe.
Callie did not scare easily. She had been through it all. She had seen people die in Botswana, seen people die under her own hand. She had given up her family, given up her heart to people who repeatedly crushed it. All the while, she wore her heart on her sleeve. She may have been worried for her sanity, and worried for others’ good health…but she was never afraid.
Now, Callie was afraid.
She was afraid of the man with the gun. She was afraid of getting shot. She was afraid that someone else would get shot. She was afraid because she knew by the blood-curdling screams of horror that someone already had. She was afraid that she was not doing enough because she was not back there, trying to help them. She was also afraid to go back and help them. She was afraid of tripping and falling and being caught by the gunman, as in a scary movie. She was afraid of dying before she had a chance to say goodbye to everyone.
She was afraid she would die without hearing the three words she most desperately needed to hear from the pink, pink lips of the one person she most desperately needed to be with again.
Callie wheeled around the corner, wheezing for breath. She knew this hospital inside and out, but now she was completely lost. She spotted a door on the side of the hall, marked Supplies. She opened it and flew inside, slamming and locking the door behind her without hesitation.
Her back to the door, she slid down, panting, letting tears fall. In the dark and through her blurred vision, she did not see who else was in the room with her for some time. Thinking she was alone, Callie sobbed to herself, emotions pulsing through every fiber of her being, all mixed up.
Suddenly she felt arms around her. Without looking, hearing, even smelling the person’s perfume, she knew who it was. The warmth and familiarity of the hold on her told her exactly who it was.
“Arizona,” cried Callie through choked tears. She felt dampness on her shoulder and knew that Arizona was crying, too. She did not know whether it was from relief, sadness, or fear. She did not know which emotion was causing her own tears. She wrapped her own arms around Arizona’s body, and stayed there for a long time, until tears subsided into sniffles.
“Calliope,” whispered Arizona. Callie gasped at the tenderness and raw emotion in Arizona’s quavering voice. “You’re safe.”
“Ari…I was so worried,” said Callie. She could feel her whole body shaking. Arizona, likewise, was trembling. She grabbed Callie’s hands to steady herself, and Callie held on, planning to never let go.
“You shouldn’t,” said Arizona softly. “You don’t need to worry about me. We’re…” She trailed off, not wanting to say it. After three weeks, she still could not say it. She did not want it to be over.
“I do need to worry about you,” said Callie. “It doesn’t matter if we’re not seeing each other. I still love you. I can’t stop worrying about you. I…” Now she broke off, not knowing how to continue.
“I love you, too, Calliope,” whispered Arizona. “I love you more than anything. But you still can’t worry about me. How can I get over you when you won’t let me?” The words went from gentle to admonishing quickly, leaving Callie taken aback.
“I haven’t seen you since the moment in the elevator,” said Callie. “I’m trying to let you get over me. But might I remind you, you’re the one who kissed me? I can’t get you out of my head, ‘Zona, and I don’t want to. I just wish it were easier.”
“Easier, how?” asked Arizona. “You mean you wish I wanted a baby, a family? I still don’t.”
“And I still do,” said Callie. She sighed. “I wish you did, or I wish I didn’t. But…” she tried to find the right words. A long silence hung over them until Callie spoke again. “I want kids. I always have. But when I met you…my kids became our kids. Now, they can’t exist unless they’re a part of both of us. I can’t raise a kid alone, and I can’t raise a kid with another person. I can’t raise a child without you there. I can’t… I can’t live without you.”
“That’s what makes it so hard.” Arizona’s face was blank, masking all her emotions. Callie wished that Arizona did not have such a fantastic poker face.
“No,” said Callie. She broke her hands free of Arizona’s, immediately feeling the loss of connection. “What makes it so hard, is you! You make it hard for me! You make it hard for me to be with you, and you make it hard to be without you. I can’t live without you. I just said that. Okay? I can’t LIVE without you! But I can’t bend for your every need, Arizona! I have sacrificed…so much…to be with you! And I don’t regret a bit of it. Every moment with you is a moment well-spent. I love you. I love you with everything I have. I love you enough to give up everything I’ve ever had before.”
Arizona stared at Callie in shock as Callie yelled at her. The words stung, but she could not brush them away. In them, were truths that Arizona had been trying to avoid but could not deny.
“I don’t regret anything, Arizona,” continued Callie. “You’re everything to me, you’re everything I ever want. But there’s this one thing I want, and you’re too selfish to see that it’s killing me. I need to have a child. I need to raise a child and give him or her everything I had when I was little.
“And I need you,” she said. “Forget breathing; forget my brain functioning correctly and my heart beating. Those are all scientific and don’t matter here. My brain is a mess without you. My heart beats when I am with you. You take my breath away, but you still manage to keep me more alive than I have ever been.
“So why won’t you sacrifice for me? Don’t you love me enough to bend for me? Isn’t being with me enough to make you want to risk everything? Because that is how I feel for you. And if that feeling isn’t mutual…Maybe I was right to leave you. Maybe I should leave right now. Because there is no good in being with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them. I’d rather live alone and miserable.”
Callie turned toward the door and put her hand on the knob, forgetting the danger that lay outside the safety of this closet. Arizona stood and put her hand on top of Callie’s.
“Don’t,” Arizona said. “Gunman.”
“Right.” Callie huffed and whirled around, strutting past Arizona. She stood, uncomfortable, against the cold metal shelves that held the medical supplies, and crossed her arms.
“Don’t be like that, Callie,” Arizona said, anger flaring in her. Maybe Callie felt that she had given up a lot, but it seemed that Arizona was not going to give Callie all the credit. “Don’t play the victim. You’re always blaming yourself when you should be blaming others, and blaming me when you’re at fault. Don’t tell me I haven’t sacrificed for this relationship because you know damn well that that isn’t true!”
Callie turned to Arizona with I-dare-you etched all over her face.
“Do tell,” she said coldly.
“Remember when George died? We had only been together for maybe three months, but did that stop me from holding you when you cried, bringing you donuts, saving you, easing the pain? What do you think that cost me? Do you think I like being the woman who is always there to catch you when you fall?” Arizona said, advancing on Callie. Callie remained motionless, her eyes boring into Arizona’s with intense rage.
“So am I in your debt for that, Arizona? Are we playing a game of I-owe-you-you-owe-me? I was under the impression that we were in a relationship, not a series of calculations! Were you only comforting me because you felt you owed something to me? Is that what it was?” Callie accused.
“I never said that,” said Arizona, heating up even more.
“Yes, you did,” said Callie. They silently glared at one another, the tension so thick it could have been sliced with a knife. Each woman’s intense stare matched the other’s. After several long minutes, Arizona broke the gaze and sighed, her voice returning to a softer, shakier tone as she spoke.
“I was only saying, Calliope,” she said, “I wish you would stop making me seem like the bad guy for every situation. Start thinking about what you can do to make it better.” She paused before adding quietly, “I want things to be better.”
Callie relaxed, not realizing how tense her muscles were until now.
“How can we make this better, Arizona?” Fresh tears sprang to her eyes. She felt like they were breaking up all over again. “I can’t give you what you want, and you can’t give me what I want.”
“I don’t know,” whispered Arizona. “I wish I knew…Anything. I just know that I need you.”
“You do?” asked Callie, feeling as vulnerable as she had when Arizona had first said I love you. She knew Arizona loved her, but she often insecurely wondered how much Arizona really needed her. “Do you need me as much as I need you?”
“I do,” said Arizona with a frustrated sigh. “I need you more. I just…I like my life how it is, without a child.”
“And here we are, back at square one,” Callie observed with an uncomfortable laugh. Arizona smiled weakly.
“Right,” she whispered, so quietly that Callie almost could not hear her.
“Can I ask you a question?” said Callie gently. She wanted to make this moment as little accusatory as she could.
“Of course,” Arizona replied.
Callie took a deep breath before saying, “Why are you so afraid of change?” Arizona narrowed her eyebrows and opened her mouth in defense. “No,” Callie said to stop Arizona from flaring up again, “I’m not trying to accuse you of anything. But you said you like the life the way it is. You also liked life how it was before you met me…but now, if I may say so myself… You’re miserable without me.” She stuck out her chest in a mock-smug pose, making Arizona laugh in spite of herself.
“It’s different, Calliope,” answered Arizona. “All my life I’ve wanted someone like you. Sure, I was happy without someone in my life, but I still wanted someone to be. But I have never wanted a child of my own.”
“Why not?” asked Callie. “Help me understand, please.”
“I don’t know,” said Arizona. “I love kids. But nothing about having one of my own clicks with me. I mean…as a peds surgeon, I get to hang out with kids without having to be the person they depend on most. No,” she interrupted herself. “They do depend on me. But I’m not their parent. I’m not their decision-maker or the person who sees every moment of joy and pain through their lives. And somehow, it’s not the same.”
Both Callie and Arizona let out a sigh together.
“We need to get past this,” said Arizona.
“We really do,” agreed Callie. They sat down on the floor side-by-side in silence, savoring the moment of shared sorrow and exasperation.
“Convince me,” said Arizona suddenly, causing Callie to start.
“What?” she said.
“I still don’t want kids,” said Arizona, looking pointedly right into Callie’s hopeful eyes. “But I want to know why I should.”
“Okay,” said Callie. She took a moment to gather her thoughts together. She needed to choose her words carefully. She knew that this could very well be her last chance. “Children. They’re not just adults in miniature. They are the tiny humans. They believe in magic and play pretend…Beyond the monsters in their closets, there are fairy dust and wishes and hopes. I cannot let go of that. You know who told these things about children to me?”
“Who?” asked Arizona, playing along.
“You did.” Callie paused to let these words sink in. “I don’t need a tiny human today or this year. I just need the knowledge that one day, you might be okay with having a tiny human with me. Because I can’t think of a person more fit to be a mother, ‘Zona…and I can’t think of anyone I want to mother a child more with. I can’t imagine there ever will be.” At these words, Callie’s eyes began to fill up with tears once more, and Arizona wrapped her arms around Callie. At that moment, they both knew that Arizona was done for.
“Okay,” whispered Arizona into Callie’s hair, locked in an embrace with her lover.
“Okay?” asked Callie for reassurance. It would not be the first time she had deluded herself into hearing what she wanted to hear. This could not happen now.
“I said okay, Calliope,” said Arizona. “I will make this sacrifice for you. I still don’t want a child, but maybe…I can get used to the idea…in time. Just don’t pressure me, okay?”
The still-building tension released between them, and they clung to each other tightly. Maybe the road would be bumpy and rough but they knew now that they were where they needed to be in life. Before, they could not get rid of their need for each other, try as they might to stop loving each other so bad. And now, they knew that despite the unknown that was ahead of them-Arizona getting used to a baby, whatever fights were still sure to be in store-as long as they still did love and need each other, everything would measure out in the end.
Author somedayxxbway (Jess!)
Pairing Callie/Arizona
Rating PG (some mild violence and harsh words)
Summary Callie runs to escape the gunman and finds herself in the place she most desperately needs--and cannot--be. Please review! I actually wrote this based off of spoilers and speculations BEFORE the spoiler came out today... It's a coincidence that they're about the same thing. Keep in mind that this fic IS based off finale spoilers&speculations.
Disclaimer All television shows, books, movies, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Bang.
Callie was running.
Bang.
Is this what a gunshot sounded like? Callie had never heard a real gun go off. It was a lot quieter than she would have expected. But that did not take away from the tension of the situation. Rather, it added to it. Made it seem scarier.
Bang.
She heard screams. She did not dare turn around to see if it was someone she knew. She hoped against all hope that those she loved were safe.
Tears streamed down Callie’s cheeks. What had begun as a decision made by the Chief regarding a woman with minimal brain activity had now turned into warfare. Callie had heard rumors about it. A man suing Derek for declaring his wife brain-dead. But never would anyone have thought that the same man, having not found peace from this legal action, would come to get his revenge through blood.
Callie heard the gunshots getting farther away, but still she ran. She needed somewhere to go, to hide. She needed a place where she could think things out, call people she knew, warn those who had not come to work yet, find out if everyone was safe.
Callie did not scare easily. She had been through it all. She had seen people die in Botswana, seen people die under her own hand. She had given up her family, given up her heart to people who repeatedly crushed it. All the while, she wore her heart on her sleeve. She may have been worried for her sanity, and worried for others’ good health…but she was never afraid.
Now, Callie was afraid.
She was afraid of the man with the gun. She was afraid of getting shot. She was afraid that someone else would get shot. She was afraid because she knew by the blood-curdling screams of horror that someone already had. She was afraid that she was not doing enough because she was not back there, trying to help them. She was also afraid to go back and help them. She was afraid of tripping and falling and being caught by the gunman, as in a scary movie. She was afraid of dying before she had a chance to say goodbye to everyone.
She was afraid she would die without hearing the three words she most desperately needed to hear from the pink, pink lips of the one person she most desperately needed to be with again.
Callie wheeled around the corner, wheezing for breath. She knew this hospital inside and out, but now she was completely lost. She spotted a door on the side of the hall, marked Supplies. She opened it and flew inside, slamming and locking the door behind her without hesitation.
Her back to the door, she slid down, panting, letting tears fall. In the dark and through her blurred vision, she did not see who else was in the room with her for some time. Thinking she was alone, Callie sobbed to herself, emotions pulsing through every fiber of her being, all mixed up.
Suddenly she felt arms around her. Without looking, hearing, even smelling the person’s perfume, she knew who it was. The warmth and familiarity of the hold on her told her exactly who it was.
“Arizona,” cried Callie through choked tears. She felt dampness on her shoulder and knew that Arizona was crying, too. She did not know whether it was from relief, sadness, or fear. She did not know which emotion was causing her own tears. She wrapped her own arms around Arizona’s body, and stayed there for a long time, until tears subsided into sniffles.
“Calliope,” whispered Arizona. Callie gasped at the tenderness and raw emotion in Arizona’s quavering voice. “You’re safe.”
“Ari…I was so worried,” said Callie. She could feel her whole body shaking. Arizona, likewise, was trembling. She grabbed Callie’s hands to steady herself, and Callie held on, planning to never let go.
“You shouldn’t,” said Arizona softly. “You don’t need to worry about me. We’re…” She trailed off, not wanting to say it. After three weeks, she still could not say it. She did not want it to be over.
“I do need to worry about you,” said Callie. “It doesn’t matter if we’re not seeing each other. I still love you. I can’t stop worrying about you. I…” Now she broke off, not knowing how to continue.
“I love you, too, Calliope,” whispered Arizona. “I love you more than anything. But you still can’t worry about me. How can I get over you when you won’t let me?” The words went from gentle to admonishing quickly, leaving Callie taken aback.
“I haven’t seen you since the moment in the elevator,” said Callie. “I’m trying to let you get over me. But might I remind you, you’re the one who kissed me? I can’t get you out of my head, ‘Zona, and I don’t want to. I just wish it were easier.”
“Easier, how?” asked Arizona. “You mean you wish I wanted a baby, a family? I still don’t.”
“And I still do,” said Callie. She sighed. “I wish you did, or I wish I didn’t. But…” she tried to find the right words. A long silence hung over them until Callie spoke again. “I want kids. I always have. But when I met you…my kids became our kids. Now, they can’t exist unless they’re a part of both of us. I can’t raise a kid alone, and I can’t raise a kid with another person. I can’t raise a child without you there. I can’t… I can’t live without you.”
“That’s what makes it so hard.” Arizona’s face was blank, masking all her emotions. Callie wished that Arizona did not have such a fantastic poker face.
“No,” said Callie. She broke her hands free of Arizona’s, immediately feeling the loss of connection. “What makes it so hard, is you! You make it hard for me! You make it hard for me to be with you, and you make it hard to be without you. I can’t live without you. I just said that. Okay? I can’t LIVE without you! But I can’t bend for your every need, Arizona! I have sacrificed…so much…to be with you! And I don’t regret a bit of it. Every moment with you is a moment well-spent. I love you. I love you with everything I have. I love you enough to give up everything I’ve ever had before.”
Arizona stared at Callie in shock as Callie yelled at her. The words stung, but she could not brush them away. In them, were truths that Arizona had been trying to avoid but could not deny.
“I don’t regret anything, Arizona,” continued Callie. “You’re everything to me, you’re everything I ever want. But there’s this one thing I want, and you’re too selfish to see that it’s killing me. I need to have a child. I need to raise a child and give him or her everything I had when I was little.
“And I need you,” she said. “Forget breathing; forget my brain functioning correctly and my heart beating. Those are all scientific and don’t matter here. My brain is a mess without you. My heart beats when I am with you. You take my breath away, but you still manage to keep me more alive than I have ever been.
“So why won’t you sacrifice for me? Don’t you love me enough to bend for me? Isn’t being with me enough to make you want to risk everything? Because that is how I feel for you. And if that feeling isn’t mutual…Maybe I was right to leave you. Maybe I should leave right now. Because there is no good in being with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them. I’d rather live alone and miserable.”
Callie turned toward the door and put her hand on the knob, forgetting the danger that lay outside the safety of this closet. Arizona stood and put her hand on top of Callie’s.
“Don’t,” Arizona said. “Gunman.”
“Right.” Callie huffed and whirled around, strutting past Arizona. She stood, uncomfortable, against the cold metal shelves that held the medical supplies, and crossed her arms.
“Don’t be like that, Callie,” Arizona said, anger flaring in her. Maybe Callie felt that she had given up a lot, but it seemed that Arizona was not going to give Callie all the credit. “Don’t play the victim. You’re always blaming yourself when you should be blaming others, and blaming me when you’re at fault. Don’t tell me I haven’t sacrificed for this relationship because you know damn well that that isn’t true!”
Callie turned to Arizona with I-dare-you etched all over her face.
“Do tell,” she said coldly.
“Remember when George died? We had only been together for maybe three months, but did that stop me from holding you when you cried, bringing you donuts, saving you, easing the pain? What do you think that cost me? Do you think I like being the woman who is always there to catch you when you fall?” Arizona said, advancing on Callie. Callie remained motionless, her eyes boring into Arizona’s with intense rage.
“So am I in your debt for that, Arizona? Are we playing a game of I-owe-you-you-owe-me? I was under the impression that we were in a relationship, not a series of calculations! Were you only comforting me because you felt you owed something to me? Is that what it was?” Callie accused.
“I never said that,” said Arizona, heating up even more.
“Yes, you did,” said Callie. They silently glared at one another, the tension so thick it could have been sliced with a knife. Each woman’s intense stare matched the other’s. After several long minutes, Arizona broke the gaze and sighed, her voice returning to a softer, shakier tone as she spoke.
“I was only saying, Calliope,” she said, “I wish you would stop making me seem like the bad guy for every situation. Start thinking about what you can do to make it better.” She paused before adding quietly, “I want things to be better.”
Callie relaxed, not realizing how tense her muscles were until now.
“How can we make this better, Arizona?” Fresh tears sprang to her eyes. She felt like they were breaking up all over again. “I can’t give you what you want, and you can’t give me what I want.”
“I don’t know,” whispered Arizona. “I wish I knew…Anything. I just know that I need you.”
“You do?” asked Callie, feeling as vulnerable as she had when Arizona had first said I love you. She knew Arizona loved her, but she often insecurely wondered how much Arizona really needed her. “Do you need me as much as I need you?”
“I do,” said Arizona with a frustrated sigh. “I need you more. I just…I like my life how it is, without a child.”
“And here we are, back at square one,” Callie observed with an uncomfortable laugh. Arizona smiled weakly.
“Right,” she whispered, so quietly that Callie almost could not hear her.
“Can I ask you a question?” said Callie gently. She wanted to make this moment as little accusatory as she could.
“Of course,” Arizona replied.
Callie took a deep breath before saying, “Why are you so afraid of change?” Arizona narrowed her eyebrows and opened her mouth in defense. “No,” Callie said to stop Arizona from flaring up again, “I’m not trying to accuse you of anything. But you said you like the life the way it is. You also liked life how it was before you met me…but now, if I may say so myself… You’re miserable without me.” She stuck out her chest in a mock-smug pose, making Arizona laugh in spite of herself.
“It’s different, Calliope,” answered Arizona. “All my life I’ve wanted someone like you. Sure, I was happy without someone in my life, but I still wanted someone to be. But I have never wanted a child of my own.”
“Why not?” asked Callie. “Help me understand, please.”
“I don’t know,” said Arizona. “I love kids. But nothing about having one of my own clicks with me. I mean…as a peds surgeon, I get to hang out with kids without having to be the person they depend on most. No,” she interrupted herself. “They do depend on me. But I’m not their parent. I’m not their decision-maker or the person who sees every moment of joy and pain through their lives. And somehow, it’s not the same.”
Both Callie and Arizona let out a sigh together.
“We need to get past this,” said Arizona.
“We really do,” agreed Callie. They sat down on the floor side-by-side in silence, savoring the moment of shared sorrow and exasperation.
“Convince me,” said Arizona suddenly, causing Callie to start.
“What?” she said.
“I still don’t want kids,” said Arizona, looking pointedly right into Callie’s hopeful eyes. “But I want to know why I should.”
“Okay,” said Callie. She took a moment to gather her thoughts together. She needed to choose her words carefully. She knew that this could very well be her last chance. “Children. They’re not just adults in miniature. They are the tiny humans. They believe in magic and play pretend…Beyond the monsters in their closets, there are fairy dust and wishes and hopes. I cannot let go of that. You know who told these things about children to me?”
“Who?” asked Arizona, playing along.
“You did.” Callie paused to let these words sink in. “I don’t need a tiny human today or this year. I just need the knowledge that one day, you might be okay with having a tiny human with me. Because I can’t think of a person more fit to be a mother, ‘Zona…and I can’t think of anyone I want to mother a child more with. I can’t imagine there ever will be.” At these words, Callie’s eyes began to fill up with tears once more, and Arizona wrapped her arms around Callie. At that moment, they both knew that Arizona was done for.
“Okay,” whispered Arizona into Callie’s hair, locked in an embrace with her lover.
“Okay?” asked Callie for reassurance. It would not be the first time she had deluded herself into hearing what she wanted to hear. This could not happen now.
“I said okay, Calliope,” said Arizona. “I will make this sacrifice for you. I still don’t want a child, but maybe…I can get used to the idea…in time. Just don’t pressure me, okay?”
The still-building tension released between them, and they clung to each other tightly. Maybe the road would be bumpy and rough but they knew now that they were where they needed to be in life. Before, they could not get rid of their need for each other, try as they might to stop loving each other so bad. And now, they knew that despite the unknown that was ahead of them-Arizona getting used to a baby, whatever fights were still sure to be in store-as long as they still did love and need each other, everything would measure out in the end.