dropping in from outer space. hang on.
I have that feeling right now, where i have a partial headache, and a woozy sickness going on and i think its because i need to eat something. But i dont feel hungry in my stomach at all. i drank too much coffee. maybe it's the caffeine? Most likely. Because this feeling is reminding me of when i worked at Its A Grind. I think i will get some food. its about that time anyways.
i really dont feel like i have anything to write about. ever.
I am in a strange place of life. Often i feel like---> ok, i am confused. here i am almost 25 yrs old, southern california, i know a zillion people (on aquaintance level, as in 'they know my name and i know theirs), i have a few skills, i am also willing to learn, i have a brain - that isnt really retarded it just comes off that way at times.. (ha), but in reality: i am pretty dang lucky to be Katie E Green, opportunity awaits,.... YET, here i sit. on my macbook at 1203pm, on friday, at downtown fullerton starbucks, writing in livejournal about needing to eat and having nothing to say. All the time i feel as if EVERYTHING is possible for a person in my shoes, yet at taht same moment i feel as if NOTHING is possible in my shoes.
Does that even make sense? Not really. But i understand myself. and i get what i am saying. i have a good life. i am sooooo blessed. and i am soo thankful. but i have hindrances. i want to complain about those problems. but then i feel guilty or selfish and a bunch of other crap that i DO NOT want to be. But i cannot keep it in. It eats me. haha, but it does. it pains me. it stops me from living. from being able to and ALLOWED to by others. my medical issues. my struggles. my battle that goes on daily in my mind between me and my other self that is slowly killing the real me. its an effing nightmare in my mind. it is babble babble talking conversations between katiegreen and the other katiegreen who has livved there for years. 12 yrs to be exact. and i hate it. i FLIPPIN HATE IT. hate is NOT a strong enough word. I fight it, i conquer, i fight it, i lose. Why do i have to struggle so badly with this. I wish i could just abstain like with substance abuse, or alcohol. that would be so much easier. I KNOW people in those situations, its a battle and a fight and its frickin terrible fighting it as well, a lifelong struggle, i am not saying it is easy at all, so PLEASE understand that......howerver, it is ABSTINENCE. stay away from it, and dont go near, and you have a much better chance of success. STAY AWAY, you CAN survive. But humans cannot abstain from FOOD. food is my problem. Abstaining from food IS my problem. Addicted to too much food IS my problem. Food IS a part of everyones life, social life, family life, daily living, school, work, parties, its on every street corner, its open for sale 24hrs of everyday of every year for different prices, for free, for stealing, for finding in a garbage can or street gutter, its offered as gifts. it is FUCKING EVERYWHERE and i cannot escape it..the second i do, i drive by a store or smell something or have a grumbly stomach adn 'oops! eff that, there's a reminder!' damn. There is NO abstinence. its like going to preschool all over again and starting from day one of life. Learning all new skills. all new subjects. a whole new way, of using my brain. and this time having to learn how to eat... and grow...and cope, and manage everything from a schedule, to school, to a job, to health, to relationships, to not isolating, to thought processes that are so distorted i could be staring at ANYTHING and ultimately in the end, my mind will come to food or body image. i am serious. every single thing on earth. AND i hate dealing with it. With all that. AND deaiing with it all while not acting out with food when uncomfortable. i cannot even explain to you my mind. you wouldnt understand. no one gets it. Well, some people get it. Professionals who've been in the field forever, and other people who struggle the same or similar to me.
Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other psychiatric disorder.
i am not part of that percentage. not yet. and i wont be. i cant be. i dont want to be. ( which is actually progress...for today) :)
i cant believe i am even writing this right now on this site and actually thinking i am going to post it public to all.
i know i am going to post it public. People need to know.
My frustration is so huge, and so bad, that i just have to. There are so few people who understand or even have .01% awareness of this issue.
America is on a diet. Yes, i know. and yes, i know - some people do need that.
But the part that i cannot stand, is when i hear phrases about "wanting ot be anorexic" or "i want to be bulimic" -- ha, "i could eat all i want and just barf it up. that would be great, no consequences."
Binge eating disorder, overwight, obesity, they are all eating disorders in different forms. But i have overheard, sat in groups and heard soooooo many times with the phrase "i wish i was anorexic" "i wanna throw up all my food, at least i'd be skinny"
eff that.
You have no fucking idea.
It is a fucking nightmare. a fucking nightmare.
good day to you all..... ciao.
i really dont feel like i have anything to write about. ever.
I am in a strange place of life. Often i feel like---> ok, i am confused. here i am almost 25 yrs old, southern california, i know a zillion people (on aquaintance level, as in 'they know my name and i know theirs), i have a few skills, i am also willing to learn, i have a brain - that isnt really retarded it just comes off that way at times.. (ha), but in reality: i am pretty dang lucky to be Katie E Green, opportunity awaits,.... YET, here i sit. on my macbook at 1203pm, on friday, at downtown fullerton starbucks, writing in livejournal about needing to eat and having nothing to say. All the time i feel as if EVERYTHING is possible for a person in my shoes, yet at taht same moment i feel as if NOTHING is possible in my shoes.
Does that even make sense? Not really. But i understand myself. and i get what i am saying. i have a good life. i am sooooo blessed. and i am soo thankful. but i have hindrances. i want to complain about those problems. but then i feel guilty or selfish and a bunch of other crap that i DO NOT want to be. But i cannot keep it in. It eats me. haha, but it does. it pains me. it stops me from living. from being able to and ALLOWED to by others. my medical issues. my struggles. my battle that goes on daily in my mind between me and my other self that is slowly killing the real me. its an effing nightmare in my mind. it is babble babble talking conversations between katiegreen and the other katiegreen who has livved there for years. 12 yrs to be exact. and i hate it. i FLIPPIN HATE IT. hate is NOT a strong enough word. I fight it, i conquer, i fight it, i lose. Why do i have to struggle so badly with this. I wish i could just abstain like with substance abuse, or alcohol. that would be so much easier. I KNOW people in those situations, its a battle and a fight and its frickin terrible fighting it as well, a lifelong struggle, i am not saying it is easy at all, so PLEASE understand that......howerver, it is ABSTINENCE. stay away from it, and dont go near, and you have a much better chance of success. STAY AWAY, you CAN survive. But humans cannot abstain from FOOD. food is my problem. Abstaining from food IS my problem. Addicted to too much food IS my problem. Food IS a part of everyones life, social life, family life, daily living, school, work, parties, its on every street corner, its open for sale 24hrs of everyday of every year for different prices, for free, for stealing, for finding in a garbage can or street gutter, its offered as gifts. it is FUCKING EVERYWHERE and i cannot escape it..the second i do, i drive by a store or smell something or have a grumbly stomach adn 'oops! eff that, there's a reminder!' damn. There is NO abstinence. its like going to preschool all over again and starting from day one of life. Learning all new skills. all new subjects. a whole new way, of using my brain. and this time having to learn how to eat... and grow...and cope, and manage everything from a schedule, to school, to a job, to health, to relationships, to not isolating, to thought processes that are so distorted i could be staring at ANYTHING and ultimately in the end, my mind will come to food or body image. i am serious. every single thing on earth. AND i hate dealing with it. With all that. AND deaiing with it all while not acting out with food when uncomfortable. i cannot even explain to you my mind. you wouldnt understand. no one gets it. Well, some people get it. Professionals who've been in the field forever, and other people who struggle the same or similar to me.
Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other psychiatric disorder.
i am not part of that percentage. not yet. and i wont be. i cant be. i dont want to be. ( which is actually progress...for today) :)
i cant believe i am even writing this right now on this site and actually thinking i am going to post it public to all.
i know i am going to post it public. People need to know.
My frustration is so huge, and so bad, that i just have to. There are so few people who understand or even have .01% awareness of this issue.
America is on a diet. Yes, i know. and yes, i know - some people do need that.
But the part that i cannot stand, is when i hear phrases about "wanting ot be anorexic" or "i want to be bulimic" -- ha, "i could eat all i want and just barf it up. that would be great, no consequences."
Binge eating disorder, overwight, obesity, they are all eating disorders in different forms. But i have overheard, sat in groups and heard soooooo many times with the phrase "i wish i was anorexic" "i wanna throw up all my food, at least i'd be skinny"
eff that.
You have no fucking idea.
It is a fucking nightmare. a fucking nightmare.
good day to you all..... ciao.