(no subject)
* Some comes looking for Jon.
* Jonathan spent the day with Norman, and then with Bram and
Norman. He's set on the task of working through this drug, but
he needed a break, and to wait for some tests to be completed.
Now, he's working again, going over the day's data, in his room.
* Some lets himself in, shutting the door quietly behind him, and
creeps over to sit on the floor near Jon's feet.
* Jonathan smiles over at Some. He's had a wonderful day, honestly.
* Some is pretty sure he's about to ruin it, and is quiet and
serious. "Was Norman good today?"
* Jonathan nods, shifting to lean his legs against Some. "He was.
They were both very good."
* Some puts his chin on Jon's knee. "That's good. M'glad. You had
fun?"
* Jonathan puts his hand on Some's head. "I did. It was so nice
out, today, and I've been working very hard."
* Some smiles a bit. "You're wonderful. I love you so much."
* Jonathan smiles back, openly pleased. "I love you -and- I think
I almost have it."
"Oh, great!" Some has to get up to see the notes and stuff,
now.
* Jonathan shows him the latest developments, proudly.
* Some smiles, though he doesn't understand most of them. "Oh, this
is great..."
* Jonathan puts his arm around Some. "So, I think, if this
indicates what I believe it does, I can try to neutralize what's
left of the drug out of their systems tomorrow or Tuesday, I
think."
"That's really good. Maybe Kurt will be willing to eat
again."
* Jonathan stacks all the notes together, again, neatly. "And
then, then, like I said, earlier, we can look for side effects."
* Some will sit in his lap, then, and lean on him. "Are you done
tonight, then?"
"I can be, if you want me to be."
"Yeah... I need to... to ask you something."
* Jonathan hugs him, after setting the notes neatly aside. "What
is it?"
* Some is so guilty, unable to meet his eyes. "I- I'm an idiot, you
know?"
"That isn't really a question.... w-well, you made it a
question. What's wrong?"
"I thought I'd be able to just... I didn't... I'minlovewithhim."
"... wait, who, what?"
* Some meets his eyes. "Kurt."
"He is very young..."
* Some nods. "But he's been through too much to be a child."
"I don't understand what you're saying, really..."
"... No?"
"I don't. What do you mean?"
"I thought he was just my friend. That that was all I
wanted. But... Jon, I fell in love with him and I'm a perfect
/idiot/ and I'm so sorry."
"You told me that he was your best friend."
* Some nods, dropping his gaze.
"S-so now you love him, and he's your best friend."
* Jonathan picks at Some's sleeve.
Hearing Jon stammer makes him want to cry. "I- I- I didn't-
Jon, I'm sorry."
"I-i-it's okay..."
"I don't want to be friends with him. I see him with Savvy
and I get so -jealous- and it's wrong, and I have more than any
man deserves already..."
"It feels terrible, to be jealous, because it turns
people you care about against you, in your mind."
* Some nods.
"When the people you care about don't feel the same
way... Sometimes that's how it is, and sometimes that's fine."
"I don't know if he would. Sometimes I think... but he
likes Savvy, and not boys. We had a huge fight when he found out
I slept with men. Bigger than when he found out I ate them."
"I really can't... I want to be able to give you advice,
Some. I c-can't, I can't."
"You're not angry?"
"I might become angry, if that's your only concern."
"It's not, but it was... a big one. I'm sorry, Jon."
"Well. You have to make certain he's going to be safe,
I'd imagine."
* Some shrinks a bit. "I haven't told him anything."
"I wouldn't."
"I wasn't worried about you hurting him. But I had to tell
you first. It wouldn't be fair, I couldn't hide this from you."
"So I wouldn't be angry."
"If I'd hid it, you'd be right to be angry."
"I'm not angry."
"I love you. I love you as much as ever."
"I don't have to be your favorite."
"I don't want to have a favorite."
"Well, he's your best friend, and you love him."
"They don't stack. He doesn't get more of me because he was
my best friend before I fell in love like an idiot."
"I know what it's like to feel as if you're my best
friend, and I love you."
* Some curls a hand around the back of Jon's neck, forehead to
forehead. "I love you. So much. And I know /you/ love me."
* Jonathan sighs, and shuts his eyes. "I love you very much. When
Iearn that I'm not your favorite, or your best friend, and know
how much you love me... we'll all do better. It will be fine."
*when I learn, even
* Some sighs. "You are second to no one, Jon."
"I-I think... I think it's difficult for me to
understand, because I know what I want, what I think I want,
a-a-and think 'if I had this, I would feel better', and I'm not
even certain what's wrong could be fixed by having exactly what I
want from you. I want very badly to be second to no one.
"
"I've never ranked the people I love. It's like loving
violins and ginger and the color red."
"I want to feel -better-, Some. That's why I want them
to do what we talked about, so, some day, I might actually be
better. It all hurts me. Just help me, and I want you to be
able to love whoever you... love."
"I will do anything to help you, Jon. You really want them
to do it?"
"I'm very frightened. It's going to be very difficult."
"And it's not going to fix this, just keep me from
hurting you while I try to... to fix this. I don't know."
where were we?
"I've never ranked the people I love. It's like loving
violins and ginger and the color red."
"I want to feel -better-, Some. That's why I
want them to do what we talked about, so, some day, I might
actually be better. It all hurts me. Just help me, and I want
you to be able to love whoever you... love."
"I will do anything to help you, Jon. You really
want them to do it?"
"I'm very frightened. It's going to be very
difficult."
"And it's not going to fix this, just keep me
from hurting you while I try to... to fix this. I don't know."
* Some leans against him. "We haven't talked about what exactly
you're going to do. You said when they were rescued we would."
"They're going to implant a... a restriction, in my
mind, so that when I move toward the thought patterns or actions
we're trying to correct... I'll be corrected..."
* Some frowns, then tries to make an expression a little less...
horrified. "... Corrected how?"
"Pain will eventually cause me to break out of those
patterns."
"No. This is a stupid idea."
* Jonathan sighs, quietly.
"You- you're not an animal, to be trained with an electric
collar, this is cruel!"
"Some, my first impulse on you telling me what you did
was to take the boys and run."
"My second was to kill Kurt."
And you're not doing any of those things, without some
stupid brainwashing thing.
"I don't always make the right decision."
"But- Whose idea was this?"
"The older Kurt and Rassilon."
"My first impulse is to punch their noses in." >:( "I
thought better of both of them."
* Jonathan shuts his eyes again, and huddles against the chair.
* Some is doing a good job not going with his first impulse. "...
You want to go through with this?"
"I want my family to be safe."
"I can't really have... what I want, and I need to
learn.... need to learn and have to be punished to learn..."
"You've never even... Jon, /punishment/ shouldn't be a part
of learning at all!"
"You've been an amazing father, and I've never feared for
the boys' safety around you. You're doing so well!"
"They told me if I didn't agree to it, now, that others
in the Nexus would do it without allowing me any of my work at
all."
"Did they say who?"
"No."
* Some scowls. "This is wrong."
"Is any of it right? If anything could be right,
wouldn't I have what I need?"
* Some hugs him. Very hard.
"Some, I can't stand it, I can't. The world is
-terrible-, terrible, people are terrible..."
"I'm sorry."
"-I- want to be happy! I didn't do... didn't do
anything -to anyone-, and -she did this-. She did!'
* Some blinks, and takes his best guess. "... Your grandmother?"
"Yet I must be punished."
* Some sighs, and kisses his shoulder. "Jon, I know. If I could go
back in time, and take you away from her, I would. Anyone would.
If one good person had seen what she was doing to you, it would
have stopped right then."
"I must be punished in order to become good."
"That's not how it works... That's what -she- taught you,
and she was an evil old hag."
"Yet she was right..." His voice is getting quieter,
and no chance of him opening his eyes, now.
"No."
* Jonathan doesn't say anything.
"She was -wrong.- I'm not teaching Bram to speak by
slapping his hand when he signs, am I?"
* Jonathan makes a sharp, wounded sound.
* Some holds him, rubbing his shoulder. "Jon..."
* Jonathan almost shrieks. He hasn't been like this in a while,
but... sometimes he still gets like this.
* Some doesn't let go, hooking his chin over Jon's shoulder,
holding him close.
* Jonathan squeezes him, wordlessly.
"I -should- go back in time and eat her face."
"No, no, no, don't go."
* Some can move him to the bed? "I'm not going to."
* Jonathan is moved. He's rather passive, right now. "We could
keep them all away."
"No one comes here without our say-so. No one we don't
trust."
"I want them to stay away."
"Why can't you and I stay away?"
"I- Us?"
"You and me, and the boys."
"This -is- away, isn't it?"
"Never anyone else."
"But people are like books to you, and you would never
be happy, alone, and then I would be sad..."
"... I'm sorry, Jon."
"Perhaps I should go away."
"I don't want you too."
"There are others, though, Some. I'm only one person,
not much to anyone, nothing that can't be replaced. I could go
away, and read, and it would be quiet."
"... I could never replace you, Jon."
"So many people care about you."
"What does that mean? I love you."
"You love many people."
"That doesn't /matter/. I couldn't love you any more if I
loved only you, or any less if I loved a million people."
"I believe you, but I feel sick to my stomach."
* Jonathan mumbles this.
* Some kisses his forehead. "Oh Jon... I'm so sorry.
Jonathan "I don't really know, Some."
Jonathan "Will you help me find out what to do?"
"I'll help. I'll talk to them."
"You should talk to them."
"Because I'm not okay with punishment being hardwired into
your head.
"I feel sick."
"Do you want to sleep?"
"No, I don't want to sleep."
"Do you want anything to drink? Eat?"
"N-no, I'm sorry."
* Some kisses him. "It's okay."
* Jonathan inches closer.
* Some hugs him again. "Love you."
"Thank you so much, Some."
"Even though I'm an idiot?"
"You're very bright."
"I'm a moron who can't keep his heart in his pants."
"Your heart isn't supposed to be in your pants..."
* Some half-laughs. "I was mixing metaphors..."
"If you think they're one and the same, maybe th-that's
the problem."
"No, it was supposed to be a joke... sorry. I know the
difference.
"Okay.... it was a funny joke..."
"Six months ago, you'd have been very angry at me, I think."
"Probably I would have been."
"Kurt is a good man. Very young, but a good man. He calls
you friend."
"Well, Some... he's very, very young. Do you understand
that humans at that age are -not- the same as an adult."
?
"Yes, I know. And he does not think things through like a
child, for all he tries to act young."
"Physiologically and mentally, he is not an adult."
* Some sighs. "I'm not into children."
"I don't want to argue with you, Some. I really
wouldn't be able to, right now."
"I'm sorry."
"I wish I could be inside your mind, again."
"What for?"
"Then there's nothing in the way, between us."
"I wish that too."
"But then that isn't always true, either. I don't know. I feel like everything I've said to you, I've said to Isobel."
"I'm still not her."
"No, but I loved her."
"Is that all I did? Did I just replace her?"
"Am I anything like her?"
"In some ways."
* Some frowns. "I'm not a stand-in, Jon. You love me."
"I remember, I was able to see into her mind, and show her -everything-. Everything, Some! And I wouldn't have -dreamed-, then, that what happened between us would happen."
Some nuzzles him, unable to think of something to say.
"It happened because I have an illness, and I destroyed how close we were, by hurting her, when she trusted me, and when, really, she needed me to be strong."
"We've been together more than a year, and we have sons, and you are doing so well. You /are/ strong."