(no subject)
I haven't seen another human in over five days now.
Oddly enough, I'm okay with that. I don't think that's a bad thing at all.
It wasn't conscious at all - it's not like I'm actively avoiding anybody. But the fact of the matter is that I'm in small town Iowa, during the holidays, in a bitterly cold winter (though it's warmed up quite a bit). I stocked up on food while Bob was here, and I just haven't had any real reason to interact with Alex and Karin, though they're both great and fun people. And I've still been talking with people online a lot.
It's giving me a lot of time for introspection, expanding my taste in entertainment, and so on. I've been listening to a lot of music, something I almost never do when there's anyone around, because I'm horribly conscious of my musical tastes so quickly bouncing from one genre to another with wild abandon. I'm writing in here again, which is something that tends to be forgotten about pretty quickly when I'm dealing with the maelstrom of people that college and high school are. I think that says a lot - that I actually have enough I want to put down in words and share with people again, after so long of being self-absorbed. Mind you, everything I'm writing at this point is about myself, but I think that's set to change here soon. After all, there's a lot to talk about when we're in the middle of a recession that is causing states to defer loan payments, Israel and Hamas are at it again, and Robert Mugabe has single-handedly managed to successfully run Zimbabwe completely, utterly into the ground.
But for now, I'm going to continue to focus on myself, because after all, this is my journal and I haven't really talked about me much for a while lately. So, what have I been doing with this time alone? Well, unwinding, largely. There is this lack of pressure that I don't think I've ever really felt before in my life. For the time being, I'm comfortable, I'm alive, I'm warm. My only obligations at the current moment are keeping two cats alive, which I can do without any problem. And I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. There is no one pressuring me, no one whom I am trying to better myself for.
It's a nice change.
I've realized a few things - first of all, that I have developed a hard celebrity crush on Ingrid Michaelson. Seriously, she is gorgeous and her voice is as well, and the bits of personality I've gleaned from Twitter are utterly endearing. But second of all, and more importantly, how much of a social creature I really am, even with as introverted as I am. Most of my time spent at Bob and Hope's place has been spent with me being nocturnal. The fact that I'm still up at 6:30 writing this is proof of that. When Bob was here, though, it was like clockwork - I'd pass out at 11:00 and wake up at 7. PM and AM, respectively. Without problem. I tended to actually be able to fall asleep when I visited here, too, and tended to be sleepier. I think this is really telling - there's a level of comfort there that I just haven't gotten in so long. The only time I can ever remember sleeping so easily was on a trip to the Redwoods when I was sixteen or so, most of the travel time of which I spent asleep with my head resting on my mom's shoulder, back before we really started falling out.
Actually, I think that trip was when I lost a huge portion of respect and trust for my mom, now that I think about it. One event in particular, where she did something I never thought she'd be able to do, just shattered the ideal I'd held her to and made me stop thinking of her as someone whose morals I should aspire to. I also didn't sleep nearly so much after that.
What also comes to mind on the matter of my sleeping around people is the fact that whenever Katie came over to visit, I'd usually stay up talking to her until I literally passed out on the couch - and a few times, I even tried to get to bed and was just too anxious to sleep... and that passed /completely/ when I was around her. I had no real trouble sleeping at Josh and Liz's. Nor at Thom's. The summer of hell, a good part of what messed me up was that I was uncomfortable with my roommate and it affected my sleeping - except for when Jill came over, when I wanted to do nothing more but lay there with her and sleep.
Hm. I'm on to something there. Just not sure how to use it to actually fix things, or what it really means.
I'm also totally aware that I'm not sure where I am or where I'm going, but I also know I'm completely okay with that at this point. I feel like it took way too long, but my slate's finally been wiped completely clean. I'm unwound, I've dealt with things. I'm not gripped by anxiety constantly, I'm not suffering from depression - a little loneliness, a lot of nostalgia, sure. But I'm good with that. That's healthy, that's a sign I'm still alive.
People get back today. It's time to start life again.
But I need to remember how good this was for me and disappear for a while sometime in the future. Maybe go camping in the summer by myself. We'll see.
Oh, and watch The Fall. It's beautiful, brilliant, moving, and feels very, very real. I fully expect Lee Pace's career to skyrocket here soon.
And a final note: I apologize if I don't respond to your comments. I do read them, and do appreciate and consider them. I just have a hard time thinking up responses sometimes, especially on matters as personal as what I've been writing about lately.
Oddly enough, I'm okay with that. I don't think that's a bad thing at all.
It wasn't conscious at all - it's not like I'm actively avoiding anybody. But the fact of the matter is that I'm in small town Iowa, during the holidays, in a bitterly cold winter (though it's warmed up quite a bit). I stocked up on food while Bob was here, and I just haven't had any real reason to interact with Alex and Karin, though they're both great and fun people. And I've still been talking with people online a lot.
It's giving me a lot of time for introspection, expanding my taste in entertainment, and so on. I've been listening to a lot of music, something I almost never do when there's anyone around, because I'm horribly conscious of my musical tastes so quickly bouncing from one genre to another with wild abandon. I'm writing in here again, which is something that tends to be forgotten about pretty quickly when I'm dealing with the maelstrom of people that college and high school are. I think that says a lot - that I actually have enough I want to put down in words and share with people again, after so long of being self-absorbed. Mind you, everything I'm writing at this point is about myself, but I think that's set to change here soon. After all, there's a lot to talk about when we're in the middle of a recession that is causing states to defer loan payments, Israel and Hamas are at it again, and Robert Mugabe has single-handedly managed to successfully run Zimbabwe completely, utterly into the ground.
But for now, I'm going to continue to focus on myself, because after all, this is my journal and I haven't really talked about me much for a while lately. So, what have I been doing with this time alone? Well, unwinding, largely. There is this lack of pressure that I don't think I've ever really felt before in my life. For the time being, I'm comfortable, I'm alive, I'm warm. My only obligations at the current moment are keeping two cats alive, which I can do without any problem. And I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. There is no one pressuring me, no one whom I am trying to better myself for.
It's a nice change.
I've realized a few things - first of all, that I have developed a hard celebrity crush on Ingrid Michaelson. Seriously, she is gorgeous and her voice is as well, and the bits of personality I've gleaned from Twitter are utterly endearing. But second of all, and more importantly, how much of a social creature I really am, even with as introverted as I am. Most of my time spent at Bob and Hope's place has been spent with me being nocturnal. The fact that I'm still up at 6:30 writing this is proof of that. When Bob was here, though, it was like clockwork - I'd pass out at 11:00 and wake up at 7. PM and AM, respectively. Without problem. I tended to actually be able to fall asleep when I visited here, too, and tended to be sleepier. I think this is really telling - there's a level of comfort there that I just haven't gotten in so long. The only time I can ever remember sleeping so easily was on a trip to the Redwoods when I was sixteen or so, most of the travel time of which I spent asleep with my head resting on my mom's shoulder, back before we really started falling out.
Actually, I think that trip was when I lost a huge portion of respect and trust for my mom, now that I think about it. One event in particular, where she did something I never thought she'd be able to do, just shattered the ideal I'd held her to and made me stop thinking of her as someone whose morals I should aspire to. I also didn't sleep nearly so much after that.
What also comes to mind on the matter of my sleeping around people is the fact that whenever Katie came over to visit, I'd usually stay up talking to her until I literally passed out on the couch - and a few times, I even tried to get to bed and was just too anxious to sleep... and that passed /completely/ when I was around her. I had no real trouble sleeping at Josh and Liz's. Nor at Thom's. The summer of hell, a good part of what messed me up was that I was uncomfortable with my roommate and it affected my sleeping - except for when Jill came over, when I wanted to do nothing more but lay there with her and sleep.
Hm. I'm on to something there. Just not sure how to use it to actually fix things, or what it really means.
I'm also totally aware that I'm not sure where I am or where I'm going, but I also know I'm completely okay with that at this point. I feel like it took way too long, but my slate's finally been wiped completely clean. I'm unwound, I've dealt with things. I'm not gripped by anxiety constantly, I'm not suffering from depression - a little loneliness, a lot of nostalgia, sure. But I'm good with that. That's healthy, that's a sign I'm still alive.
People get back today. It's time to start life again.
But I need to remember how good this was for me and disappear for a while sometime in the future. Maybe go camping in the summer by myself. We'll see.
Oh, and watch The Fall. It's beautiful, brilliant, moving, and feels very, very real. I fully expect Lee Pace's career to skyrocket here soon.
And a final note: I apologize if I don't respond to your comments. I do read them, and do appreciate and consider them. I just have a hard time thinking up responses sometimes, especially on matters as personal as what I've been writing about lately.