the day i got alien implant
So six years ago, when the X-Files ended, Dawn and I promised each other that when the second movie came out we would have to see it together. Knowing Chris Carter it was safe to commit to that, what were the odds that the man would actually sit down and write something? That wasn't addressed to his pot dealer? None to none, I said.
Flash forward to 2008 - oh shit, there's a movie coming out! Uh... crap. Now we have to see it together. But this was going to be hard. How could the laziest girls on the planet manage to meet up to see this movie? Put the two of us together and we don't even make half a functioning human being. This was looking bleak. Two weeks ago:
"You come to LA."
"No, you come to Seattle."
"I can't, I'm broke."
"Well, fuck it, let's just go to Vegas."
"Let's see it in Roswell!"
"This is pathetic enough... if we're gonna geek out, might as well be in a cool place. Vegas!"
"VEGASOMGTHISMOVIEISGOINGTOKICKASS!"
So it was fun. I drove from Los Angeles on Thursday and we went to the midnight showing. I brought the action figures, of course. Dawn and I can't go anywhere without them. There were about maybe 20 people in the theater, which is okay because who goes to the movies in Las Vegas? Oh yeah, Dawn and I do. We felt like complete dorks sitting there while everyone else in the town was getting a life. The movie... kinda sucked. I knew it was gonna be a MOTW but still... whatever Chris Carter was smoking when he wrote that, he needs to hook me up with his dealer.
The fun came afterwards, of course. We woke up the next day, not knowing what to do. We've both been to Vegas already, so we've seen everything there. We were kinda bored. And then it happened.
"What do you wanna do now?"
"I don't know, what do you wanna do now?"
"There's a bunch of people out there drinking, dancing, gambling, getting laid and having fun."
"I know... let's go to Area 51!"
And so it began. Dawn and Carolina's journey to uncover Area 51. This wasn't thought out, we didn't plan it, hell I don't even remember who came up with the idea. It was just a random thought and for some reason we decided to go along with it because... I don't know. Because otherwise it wouldn't be us. Every time we get together we come up with the most random, impulsive shit that we end up doing because we're just Dawn and Caro (we once spent half a day looking for the Seinfeld cafe in uptown New York. We still don't know why).
We went online on our Blackberries and did some research and found out it's north of Vegas, near a town called Rachel. That was all we knew. Some reports said it was 4 hours away. Some said 2. Some said 200 miles. Some said 140. It's just somewhere up north in the middle of the desert. Great... let's do it! We got in my Jeep, filled the tank, and with little directions and no idea what we were going to find, we started our drive up North. Halfway there, we lost our cell phone receptions. Uh oh. If some shit went down, we were screwed. There was nothing up there. Nothing. Just desert, a few trucks here and there, and us in the Jeep, lacking food and sanity. There were cows.
Like I said we didn't really know where we were going. All we knew was to take the I-15, which turned into the 98, and then find the intersection of the 375, and there we were supposed to find the Extraterrestrial Highway, named that because apparently there's a lot of UFO sightings there. Dawn said all we'd see was a sign marked Extraterrestrial Highway. That's right, we were driving up north to see a sign. Go us!
We got to the intersection. Where's the Extraterrestrial Highway? All we saw was this:
Was that it? No, that couldn't be it. I didn't drive 150 miles up to Middle of Fucking Nowhere, Nevada, to get alien jerky. Besides, there was nobody around. Who exactly was selling this jerky? We don't know. We'll never know. Maybe there was no jerky. Maybe this was the government playing their games again. THE GOVERNMENT!
We decided to make a left, and strangely, my GPS informed us that we were, in fact, on the Extraterrestrial Highway. Spooky? Yes, we thought so. And it got weirder after that. We couldn't find the godforsaken sign. There was nobody around. NOBODY. Just us with no cell phone reception and very little gas (way to go, Caro and Dawn!). We were about to give up and just head back when... one of us spotted this from the road:
HOLY SHIT! Of course I drove straight to it! There was a truck parked outside that read Alien Research Center. Turned out, of course, that it was just kinda like a mini souvenir shop. A really sketchy one. Also, there was surveillance. Dawn and I parked outside and took some pictures with the action figures and the whole time we were being watched (which was awesome). Some of the pictures of the bunkers they had outside. The action figures came out to play. Mulder was so excited he started whacking off to the signs. Scully was just embarrassed:
So we decided to go in. A really overweight, nerdy guy answered. He recognized the Scully action figure right away and asked us if we'd seen the movie. We told him we had. It was a neat little store with a bunch of alien, X-Files, Star Trek, Star Wars, etc, paraphernalia. He told us that the Extraterrestrial Highway sign had been taken down, but he had it in the store:
But that couldn't be it, could it? Did we drive all the way out there for nothing? Finding Area 51 is one of the things in my list of 100 things I need to do before I die. Would I not be able to cross it? I asked the guy if there was something else to see there. He said we could go to Rachel, Nevada, a tiny little town that has an Alien Inn with alien burgers, etc. LAME! I'm not going to a place called Rachel, I'm sorry. If that was the best name the residents could come up with for their town, it was probably just some ghetto Wal-Mart. And a Starbucks. Eh, this really sucked. All that driving just to buy an alien key chain. And then he said:
"You can also try to find Area 51."
OMGYES! How do we get there? Where is it? WHAT HAPPENS IF WE FIND IT?! DO YOU HAVE ANY ALIEN IMPLANTS IN YOUR BODY? DID YOU CHECK EVERYWHERE? The guy was kinda vague. He told us to keep driving along the Extraterrestrial Highway and look left the whole time. Eventually we would find a dirt road. There were apparently many of them, but only one would lead to the mountains. Go off road and follow along, and eventually we'd get there. Creepy. CREEPY! It was scary, but of course we HAD to do it. So we paid for our souvenirs and headed off. I'd like to say that at this point we only had a quarter of a tank of gas, and we were in the middle of nowhere. We went off in search of this elusive dirt road. We drove for a long time. There were a few dirt roads, but most of them looked tiny. Drive, drive, drive. Gas gauge going down. Running out of hope. More cows. This is stupid. Why do we have to be such geeks? Let's just turn around and go...
"Um, is that it?"
"Holy crap, that's it!"
It came up to our left suddenly, and it had to be one of the scariest things in the world:
That was it. The dirt road that lead to Area 51. I swear I got goosebumps just looking at it. It's creepy in pictures, and it's even creepier in real life. It's just a dirt road that goes on forever and into the mountains. No signs, nothing. Just dirt. We sucked it up and started driving. I was really scared that we were gonna run out of gas. Or worse: abducted and anal probed. The whole thing was slightly reminiscent of the scene in FTF where Mulder and Scully are driving through the desert looking for those tankers. That didn't go unnoticed.
"Dawn, this is it. This is the reason why we don't have boyfriends."
"Shut up, I know."
We drove for miles. I think somewhere around 15 and we had very VERY little gas. WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE DOING?! It was like a real scary movie and you're terrified and want to turn off the tv and get in your parents' bed, only we couldn't turn off the tv cause once you start doing something crazy you HAVE to go all the way. We drove forever and the mountains were getting closer. Our GPS read:
Fucking creepy. We decided to just go a few more minutes and head back because we had no gas, and then suddenly I saw some sign. Was that it? Yes, that was it! I pulled over and took out my camera, and took a picture of the famous Area 51 sign. The action figures got in on it, too:
We did it! We did it! Mission accomplished! We may even be able to drive in further and see what's beyond this point! Whoo! ... And then one of the scariest fucking things that's ever happened to me happened. As Dawn was fiddling with her camera I looked around the area, and up on a hill, I saw this:
My heart sank to my fucking knees.
"Um, Dawn?"
"Yes?"
"There's a black car atop that hill. It's parked there. And they're looking at us."
FUCKING. TERRIFYING. I. SHIT. MY. PANTS. It was some random black car and it was just parked there, overlooking the valley where we were, and they'd been looking at us the whole time. Holy shit. HOLY. SHIT. I took a picture quickly (all overexposed and out of focused) and we BOOKED out of there so fast I don't know what the fuck. We were freaking out. What if they follow us? What if they wrote down my license plate number? What if they took pictures and are now doing a background check on us? Of course we were being dorks and it was probably nothing, but at that moment we were just freaked out and trying to drive out of that fucking place and WE HAD NO GAS AND NO CELL PHONE RECEPTION WE SHOULD'VE JUST GONE TO CIRQUE DU SOLEIL LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE WTF IS WRONG WITH US! My GPS said:
What does my GPS know that I don't know? IS IT IN ON THE CONSPIRACY?
Eventually we made it back to the road, me looking through the rear view mirror the whole time like some paranoid schizo. We went back to the souvenir shop because I accidentally left one of my lenses behind (ugh), and even though the truck was still there, nobody answered. The nerdy fatty was gone, and there was nobody around. I put a second layer on my tinfoil hat and we decided to head back to Vegas. We found a gas station. My Jeep was a mess. We were just happy to see human beings.
In conclusion: we had tons of fun, got to geek out, eat crap, had many adventures, and somewhere in DC there's a couple of FBI agents now working on the DeSimone/Rivera file.
Trust no one.
p.s. If I suddenly stop posting, please send a search party to Antarctica!
Flash forward to 2008 - oh shit, there's a movie coming out! Uh... crap. Now we have to see it together. But this was going to be hard. How could the laziest girls on the planet manage to meet up to see this movie? Put the two of us together and we don't even make half a functioning human being. This was looking bleak. Two weeks ago:
"You come to LA."
"No, you come to Seattle."
"I can't, I'm broke."
"Well, fuck it, let's just go to Vegas."
"Let's see it in Roswell!"
"This is pathetic enough... if we're gonna geek out, might as well be in a cool place. Vegas!"
"VEGASOMGTHISMOVIEISGOINGTOKICKASS!"
So it was fun. I drove from Los Angeles on Thursday and we went to the midnight showing. I brought the action figures, of course. Dawn and I can't go anywhere without them. There were about maybe 20 people in the theater, which is okay because who goes to the movies in Las Vegas? Oh yeah, Dawn and I do. We felt like complete dorks sitting there while everyone else in the town was getting a life. The movie... kinda sucked. I knew it was gonna be a MOTW but still... whatever Chris Carter was smoking when he wrote that, he needs to hook me up with his dealer.
The fun came afterwards, of course. We woke up the next day, not knowing what to do. We've both been to Vegas already, so we've seen everything there. We were kinda bored. And then it happened.
"What do you wanna do now?"
"I don't know, what do you wanna do now?"
"There's a bunch of people out there drinking, dancing, gambling, getting laid and having fun."
"I know... let's go to Area 51!"
And so it began. Dawn and Carolina's journey to uncover Area 51. This wasn't thought out, we didn't plan it, hell I don't even remember who came up with the idea. It was just a random thought and for some reason we decided to go along with it because... I don't know. Because otherwise it wouldn't be us. Every time we get together we come up with the most random, impulsive shit that we end up doing because we're just Dawn and Caro (we once spent half a day looking for the Seinfeld cafe in uptown New York. We still don't know why).
We went online on our Blackberries and did some research and found out it's north of Vegas, near a town called Rachel. That was all we knew. Some reports said it was 4 hours away. Some said 2. Some said 200 miles. Some said 140. It's just somewhere up north in the middle of the desert. Great... let's do it! We got in my Jeep, filled the tank, and with little directions and no idea what we were going to find, we started our drive up North. Halfway there, we lost our cell phone receptions. Uh oh. If some shit went down, we were screwed. There was nothing up there. Nothing. Just desert, a few trucks here and there, and us in the Jeep, lacking food and sanity. There were cows.
Like I said we didn't really know where we were going. All we knew was to take the I-15, which turned into the 98, and then find the intersection of the 375, and there we were supposed to find the Extraterrestrial Highway, named that because apparently there's a lot of UFO sightings there. Dawn said all we'd see was a sign marked Extraterrestrial Highway. That's right, we were driving up north to see a sign. Go us!
We got to the intersection. Where's the Extraterrestrial Highway? All we saw was this:
Was that it? No, that couldn't be it. I didn't drive 150 miles up to Middle of Fucking Nowhere, Nevada, to get alien jerky. Besides, there was nobody around. Who exactly was selling this jerky? We don't know. We'll never know. Maybe there was no jerky. Maybe this was the government playing their games again. THE GOVERNMENT!
We decided to make a left, and strangely, my GPS informed us that we were, in fact, on the Extraterrestrial Highway. Spooky? Yes, we thought so. And it got weirder after that. We couldn't find the godforsaken sign. There was nobody around. NOBODY. Just us with no cell phone reception and very little gas (way to go, Caro and Dawn!). We were about to give up and just head back when... one of us spotted this from the road:
HOLY SHIT! Of course I drove straight to it! There was a truck parked outside that read Alien Research Center. Turned out, of course, that it was just kinda like a mini souvenir shop. A really sketchy one. Also, there was surveillance. Dawn and I parked outside and took some pictures with the action figures and the whole time we were being watched (which was awesome). Some of the pictures of the bunkers they had outside. The action figures came out to play. Mulder was so excited he started whacking off to the signs. Scully was just embarrassed:
So we decided to go in. A really overweight, nerdy guy answered. He recognized the Scully action figure right away and asked us if we'd seen the movie. We told him we had. It was a neat little store with a bunch of alien, X-Files, Star Trek, Star Wars, etc, paraphernalia. He told us that the Extraterrestrial Highway sign had been taken down, but he had it in the store:
But that couldn't be it, could it? Did we drive all the way out there for nothing? Finding Area 51 is one of the things in my list of 100 things I need to do before I die. Would I not be able to cross it? I asked the guy if there was something else to see there. He said we could go to Rachel, Nevada, a tiny little town that has an Alien Inn with alien burgers, etc. LAME! I'm not going to a place called Rachel, I'm sorry. If that was the best name the residents could come up with for their town, it was probably just some ghetto Wal-Mart. And a Starbucks. Eh, this really sucked. All that driving just to buy an alien key chain. And then he said:
"You can also try to find Area 51."
OMGYES! How do we get there? Where is it? WHAT HAPPENS IF WE FIND IT?! DO YOU HAVE ANY ALIEN IMPLANTS IN YOUR BODY? DID YOU CHECK EVERYWHERE? The guy was kinda vague. He told us to keep driving along the Extraterrestrial Highway and look left the whole time. Eventually we would find a dirt road. There were apparently many of them, but only one would lead to the mountains. Go off road and follow along, and eventually we'd get there. Creepy. CREEPY! It was scary, but of course we HAD to do it. So we paid for our souvenirs and headed off. I'd like to say that at this point we only had a quarter of a tank of gas, and we were in the middle of nowhere. We went off in search of this elusive dirt road. We drove for a long time. There were a few dirt roads, but most of them looked tiny. Drive, drive, drive. Gas gauge going down. Running out of hope. More cows. This is stupid. Why do we have to be such geeks? Let's just turn around and go...
"Um, is that it?"
"Holy crap, that's it!"
It came up to our left suddenly, and it had to be one of the scariest things in the world:
That was it. The dirt road that lead to Area 51. I swear I got goosebumps just looking at it. It's creepy in pictures, and it's even creepier in real life. It's just a dirt road that goes on forever and into the mountains. No signs, nothing. Just dirt. We sucked it up and started driving. I was really scared that we were gonna run out of gas. Or worse: abducted and anal probed. The whole thing was slightly reminiscent of the scene in FTF where Mulder and Scully are driving through the desert looking for those tankers. That didn't go unnoticed.
"Dawn, this is it. This is the reason why we don't have boyfriends."
"Shut up, I know."
We drove for miles. I think somewhere around 15 and we had very VERY little gas. WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE DOING?! It was like a real scary movie and you're terrified and want to turn off the tv and get in your parents' bed, only we couldn't turn off the tv cause once you start doing something crazy you HAVE to go all the way. We drove forever and the mountains were getting closer. Our GPS read:
Fucking creepy. We decided to just go a few more minutes and head back because we had no gas, and then suddenly I saw some sign. Was that it? Yes, that was it! I pulled over and took out my camera, and took a picture of the famous Area 51 sign. The action figures got in on it, too:
We did it! We did it! Mission accomplished! We may even be able to drive in further and see what's beyond this point! Whoo! ... And then one of the scariest fucking things that's ever happened to me happened. As Dawn was fiddling with her camera I looked around the area, and up on a hill, I saw this:
My heart sank to my fucking knees.
"Um, Dawn?"
"Yes?"
"There's a black car atop that hill. It's parked there. And they're looking at us."
FUCKING. TERRIFYING. I. SHIT. MY. PANTS. It was some random black car and it was just parked there, overlooking the valley where we were, and they'd been looking at us the whole time. Holy shit. HOLY. SHIT. I took a picture quickly (all overexposed and out of focused) and we BOOKED out of there so fast I don't know what the fuck. We were freaking out. What if they follow us? What if they wrote down my license plate number? What if they took pictures and are now doing a background check on us? Of course we were being dorks and it was probably nothing, but at that moment we were just freaked out and trying to drive out of that fucking place and WE HAD NO GAS AND NO CELL PHONE RECEPTION WE SHOULD'VE JUST GONE TO CIRQUE DU SOLEIL LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE WTF IS WRONG WITH US! My GPS said:
What does my GPS know that I don't know? IS IT IN ON THE CONSPIRACY?
Eventually we made it back to the road, me looking through the rear view mirror the whole time like some paranoid schizo. We went back to the souvenir shop because I accidentally left one of my lenses behind (ugh), and even though the truck was still there, nobody answered. The nerdy fatty was gone, and there was nobody around. I put a second layer on my tinfoil hat and we decided to head back to Vegas. We found a gas station. My Jeep was a mess. We were just happy to see human beings.
In conclusion: we had tons of fun, got to geek out, eat crap, had many adventures, and somewhere in DC there's a couple of FBI agents now working on the DeSimone/Rivera file.
Trust no one.
p.s. If I suddenly stop posting, please send a search party to Antarctica!