twice as hard as it was the first time i said goodbye
aaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
now that that's out. jesus im going insane..i have no money, my roomate is..i dont know i dont know if i love her or hate her, its a weird thing we've got. she pisses me off to no end and then we talk and it's fine. we don't see each other for days at a time because she's off tweakin' with her married boyfriend or something...nah its not that bad. yeah..yeah it is. its okay though he leaves stuff for me all the time..its awesome.
i had an epiphone..saturday night i was so fucked up i dont know how i did anything, i dont even remember most of it..i remember laying on the couch looking at this guy with a funny look on my face then laughing..then i woke up naked in my bed. i don't like that and i need to stop so im going to. i stopped drinking just like i said i would im proud of myself. so last night was boring..austin kissed me :) not a real kiss just a hug and a kiss kind of above my eye but anyhow it was nice. someone tried to break into his truck and they broke the lock so he couldn't get into it, so i called AAA and pretended that it was my truck and it was cute..and i hung out with h im and he sat on my lap just cute little things like that, which was good becaues he treated me like shit all day until he got off...i came out of the break room and he was at the office and he told me and he was so mad i could see it it was bad and he's like "will you hang out with me until i can leave?" so i did and we just chilled because AAA took forever.
austin is a crush..just a crush. then there's androo..there is no attraction whatsoever to androo, none..but i love him to death. he's like my best friend..everyone thinks he's a horrible influence on me though. nobody realizes that i'm 19, almost 20, i'm going to do what i want, it wouldn't be his influence. he tried to get me to snort xanax the other night but i didnt do it because why? i didn't want to. i'm sick of everyone bitching at me and acting like my god damn mother, i never had this much problem when i was 12. i mean, i'll admit i have become quite the pothead, but why quit? what reason do i have? i love being high, and nobody i hang out with seems to have a problem with it except austin and i dont hang out with h im that often and he has a girlfriend and my mom's talking to me and im pretending i can't hear her because im in deep thought right now, she ruined my zen! jesus.
okay..where was i? back to austin, yeah i'd quit for austin..i havn't had a crush like this since david. he's just so..i dont know and nobody likes me liking him but i don't care. he calls me mary had a little lamb..or mary jane. i went to a party at his house and he started calling me that, then when he called me mary had a little lamb his cousin asked me if i had a lamb or something and i said no austin killed it..and they laughed and im dumb because i pay attention to stupid little shit like that but i can't help it, i've got it bad.
i have a song..this is my favorite song in the entire world, and i'm going to post it. whoever reads this entire entry and comments on it i'll be amazed by you, and you will forever have my love.
I find it hard to shed a tear
You brought it all on yourself my dear
Wrong, yes I may be
Don't leave a light on for me
'Cause I an't comin' home
It hurts me baby to be alone
Yes, it hurts me baby
A hundred years will never ease
Hearing things I won't believe
I saw it with my own two eyes
All the pain that I can't hide
And this pain starts in my heart
And this love tears us apart
You won't find me bent down on my knees
Ain't bendin' over backwards baby
Not to please
'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time, oh yeah
I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life
I used to dream
Of better days that never came
Sorry ain't nothin' to me
I'm gone and that's the way it must be
So please I've done my time
Lovin' you is such a crime
You won't fine me down on, on my knees
Won't fine me over backwards baby
Just to please
'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I"m seeing things for the first time
Seeing things for the first time
Oh I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life
im all about the black crowes..seriously. i miss my ericpoo so much! i never get to talk to him anymore and i dont have a phone. i'm caught between happy and sad..its so strange. like, i go from one extreme to the other so incredibly easily..i quit taking my meds..oh well..i havn't tried to kill myself in awhile, i think im doing fine. my dad still bothers me, like yesterday austin was calling me psycho. it pissed me off, like..it hit deep because my dad really was fucking crazy and my mom's all the time telling me how im just like him and it just pissed me off, maybe i overreacted. i told him though and he said he was sorry he didnt know. i was freaking out at work yesterday i was fucked up. when i said "i was fucked up" i don't say it to brag, i just say it because i was. i know some people are like "dood i was so fucked up blah blah blah" thinking that they're cool, but not me, i mena i know it doesn't make me cool and i know people thi nk that im stupid and maybe bad but i dont give a shit, i dont like being sober, seriously its overrated. i went and saw becky at work last night and played chess. it was fun, i beat her ass though ;) i told buddy about how nicole nad i had a fight over him, it was weird im not really sure why i told him and im sti ll unsure of why we even had the fight, i just dont think anyone understands me so they make stupid assumptions and that's how things get fucked up. somteimes i love myself so much, like when im high i feel so intelligent (i know that sounds stupid as hell) but serioulsy, i think of some shit. yesterday dj and i got into it at work because apparently he told his brother that i was a coke addict and something about being raped or something, it pissed me off. he doesn't need to be running his mouth, he's the most judgemental person i've ever met and he has absolutely no room. he acts like he's fucking god and he isn't.
i wonder how dave's doing..i havn't talked to him in awhile..its weird. i'm not sure how i feel about the subject, i fucked up, i know it..but i think..i dont know what i think. i kind of like being single, but i get lonely. ::shrug:: maybe i have no feelings..i was once told that lol anyhow.
i watched how to lose a guy, and during it sometime ben says that the girl is amazing, i want someone to think i'm amazing. like i've been told that there are people that do, but i want someone that i think is just as amazing to think so you know? i want it to be equal..if it isn't it doesn't work. well, i have bills to pay and people to bitch at so i'm running.
now that that's out. jesus im going insane..i have no money, my roomate is..i dont know i dont know if i love her or hate her, its a weird thing we've got. she pisses me off to no end and then we talk and it's fine. we don't see each other for days at a time because she's off tweakin' with her married boyfriend or something...nah its not that bad. yeah..yeah it is. its okay though he leaves stuff for me all the time..its awesome.
i had an epiphone..saturday night i was so fucked up i dont know how i did anything, i dont even remember most of it..i remember laying on the couch looking at this guy with a funny look on my face then laughing..then i woke up naked in my bed. i don't like that and i need to stop so im going to. i stopped drinking just like i said i would im proud of myself. so last night was boring..austin kissed me :) not a real kiss just a hug and a kiss kind of above my eye but anyhow it was nice. someone tried to break into his truck and they broke the lock so he couldn't get into it, so i called AAA and pretended that it was my truck and it was cute..and i hung out with h im and he sat on my lap just cute little things like that, which was good becaues he treated me like shit all day until he got off...i came out of the break room and he was at the office and he told me and he was so mad i could see it it was bad and he's like "will you hang out with me until i can leave?" so i did and we just chilled because AAA took forever.
austin is a crush..just a crush. then there's androo..there is no attraction whatsoever to androo, none..but i love him to death. he's like my best friend..everyone thinks he's a horrible influence on me though. nobody realizes that i'm 19, almost 20, i'm going to do what i want, it wouldn't be his influence. he tried to get me to snort xanax the other night but i didnt do it because why? i didn't want to. i'm sick of everyone bitching at me and acting like my god damn mother, i never had this much problem when i was 12. i mean, i'll admit i have become quite the pothead, but why quit? what reason do i have? i love being high, and nobody i hang out with seems to have a problem with it except austin and i dont hang out with h im that often and he has a girlfriend and my mom's talking to me and im pretending i can't hear her because im in deep thought right now, she ruined my zen! jesus.
okay..where was i? back to austin, yeah i'd quit for austin..i havn't had a crush like this since david. he's just so..i dont know and nobody likes me liking him but i don't care. he calls me mary had a little lamb..or mary jane. i went to a party at his house and he started calling me that, then when he called me mary had a little lamb his cousin asked me if i had a lamb or something and i said no austin killed it..and they laughed and im dumb because i pay attention to stupid little shit like that but i can't help it, i've got it bad.
i have a song..this is my favorite song in the entire world, and i'm going to post it. whoever reads this entire entry and comments on it i'll be amazed by you, and you will forever have my love.
I find it hard to shed a tear
You brought it all on yourself my dear
Wrong, yes I may be
Don't leave a light on for me
'Cause I an't comin' home
It hurts me baby to be alone
Yes, it hurts me baby
A hundred years will never ease
Hearing things I won't believe
I saw it with my own two eyes
All the pain that I can't hide
And this pain starts in my heart
And this love tears us apart
You won't find me bent down on my knees
Ain't bendin' over backwards baby
Not to please
'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time, oh yeah
I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life
I used to dream
Of better days that never came
Sorry ain't nothin' to me
I'm gone and that's the way it must be
So please I've done my time
Lovin' you is such a crime
You won't fine me down on, on my knees
Won't fine me over backwards baby
Just to please
'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I"m seeing things for the first time
Seeing things for the first time
Oh I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life
im all about the black crowes..seriously. i miss my ericpoo so much! i never get to talk to him anymore and i dont have a phone. i'm caught between happy and sad..its so strange. like, i go from one extreme to the other so incredibly easily..i quit taking my meds..oh well..i havn't tried to kill myself in awhile, i think im doing fine. my dad still bothers me, like yesterday austin was calling me psycho. it pissed me off, like..it hit deep because my dad really was fucking crazy and my mom's all the time telling me how im just like him and it just pissed me off, maybe i overreacted. i told him though and he said he was sorry he didnt know. i was freaking out at work yesterday i was fucked up. when i said "i was fucked up" i don't say it to brag, i just say it because i was. i know some people are like "dood i was so fucked up blah blah blah" thinking that they're cool, but not me, i mena i know it doesn't make me cool and i know people thi nk that im stupid and maybe bad but i dont give a shit, i dont like being sober, seriously its overrated. i went and saw becky at work last night and played chess. it was fun, i beat her ass though ;) i told buddy about how nicole nad i had a fight over him, it was weird im not really sure why i told him and im sti ll unsure of why we even had the fight, i just dont think anyone understands me so they make stupid assumptions and that's how things get fucked up. somteimes i love myself so much, like when im high i feel so intelligent (i know that sounds stupid as hell) but serioulsy, i think of some shit. yesterday dj and i got into it at work because apparently he told his brother that i was a coke addict and something about being raped or something, it pissed me off. he doesn't need to be running his mouth, he's the most judgemental person i've ever met and he has absolutely no room. he acts like he's fucking god and he isn't.
i wonder how dave's doing..i havn't talked to him in awhile..its weird. i'm not sure how i feel about the subject, i fucked up, i know it..but i think..i dont know what i think. i kind of like being single, but i get lonely. ::shrug:: maybe i have no feelings..i was once told that lol anyhow.
i watched how to lose a guy, and during it sometime ben says that the girl is amazing, i want someone to think i'm amazing. like i've been told that there are people that do, but i want someone that i think is just as amazing to think so you know? i want it to be equal..if it isn't it doesn't work. well, i have bills to pay and people to bitch at so i'm running.