Lockon made a move as though he was going to edge closer, but decided against it. He looked clearly pained, his jaw set in a hard way, making it obvious that if he wasn't clenching his teeth he'd be shaking. "I-I-" But he couldn't think of anything to say, and that was impossibly frustrating. This wasn't him. This wasn't Lockon Stratos. Lockon Stratos would know exactly what to say, and it'd probably be something nonchalant, but it would make the situation better, at least temporarily.
Neil Dylandy, on the other hand. Neil Dylandy was the emotional one, the side Lockon only carefully brought out now and then. Neil had no place in Celestial Being. It was Neil that visited Ireland and the graves. It was Neil that locked himself in his room on the Ptolemaios and pounded the window glass with angry fists because this fucking world was a disgusting place, and despite how hard he tried to change it, it never seemed to move...
I'm not that guy any more. I'm not that kid who cried and I'm not that orphan. So why did he feel so alone? ...No, that wasn't quite right. He wasn't alone. Tieria. Tieria knew pain, knew it to the point that it tortured Lockon to inadvertantly cause him any more of it. The Gundam Meister who pretended not to feel anything actually felt more than Lockon would ever allow himself to show on the outside.
Not quite crying. He hadn't cried in years. But his shoulders shook, his throat strained, and he closed his visible eye because his vision was swimming. His head hung towards the ground. "Damn it... T-Tieria..."
"I just... I..." His voice was thick with restrained emotion. Lockon looked up and was pained to see Tieria still sobbing. He didn't pause to think about it. He shoved a pile of books to the side with one strong arm and crawled close to him.
"Please-" His injured eye throbbed, some kind of reminder- "-just-" But what could he say? What was he to ask? He wanted to tell Tieria to stop crying. He wanted to apologize for dying on him. He wanted to just remind Tieria that he was alive now, and that he wasn't going to leave again. That it was nobody's fault. He wasn't dead, and he was here, and God damn it he wished he knew the right thing to say.
Tieria could feel the heat next to his body as Lockon suddenly moved very close, almost touching. Tieria couldn't bear this. He couldn't bear to be this close to this man, physically or emotionally. He didn't want to open his heart, he didn't want to let this man inside... he was DEAD. When... If Tieria returned to his world, to the Ptolemaios, to his beloved Space - he would be forced to face reality again. There would be no connection to Veda and his most beloved colleague would still be dead. And these thoughts killed him.
Tieria folded further into his shell the more he thought. The more the thoughts ran rampant through his mind, the more he closed everybody off from reaching deep inside.
"L-Lockon Stratos, what do you want from me?" he snapped as he tried to stop tears from spilling onto his cheeks.
"I want you to stop hiding. I want you to... talk to me. While I'm here. I'm going to be here, Tieria. Things can... Things can change. And if you're going to hide from me, I..." Lockon's voice trailed off. He just didn't know what to say.
He hesitated, swallowed. And then he reached his hand out. It rested gently on Tieria's forearm, and he kept it there, looking him right in the face. "I... need you." And his vision was swimming again. "That's what I want from you." And whatever Tieria did with those words was up to him. But something like a great weight left his shoulders once he'd said it. Like a strong exhale after minutes spent underwater, staring at the surface.
Tieria sighed, looking up at Lockon. He looked down at Lockon's hand resting on his arm and, under normal circumstances, he would have jerked his arm away instantly... but right now, he just couldn't.
"Lockon, we have had a conversation like this before. Y-You told me that Celestial Being's plans could work without Veda, and I still struggle with that. My whole existence at this point has been dictated by Veda... And what you said about making mistakes and being human... I just don't know..."
Tieria took a few minutes to slowly breathe in an attempt to calm himself down a little. He looked at Lockon once more, "I was injured. I ejected my GN drive. I left myself for dead in Nadleeh so I could go to where you were..."
With this last statement, Tieria hung his head in humiliation. He wasn't the kind of being to say such things and have such feelings.
They can work without Veda, Lockon was about to say. Everybody makes mistakes. Shit happens, but we pull through. We keep struggling. That's what Celestial Being is fighting for, and as long as we have the will... That's what he was about to say. Something inspiring, something encouraging. It was Tieria's next words that took them straight out of his mouth and brain.
His breath came in a disbelieving little hiss. "No..." he murmured.
Left myself dead in Nadleeh so I could go to where you are. That was it, wasn't it? That sealed it. This went so much deeper than Lockon was prepared for. And the guilt- the guilt was still there for dying a death he hadn't even experienced himself yet. The guilt for the choice he would have eventually made. But now that he knew- now that he had the knowledge- if he ever went back, couldn't things be changed...?
He worded none of this. He had no idea why he was thinking it. I just don't want to hurt him again. What Tieria had just said was horrible, and yet... He was filled with a kind of warmth at hearing it.
It was an entirely impulsive move. He placed his hand upon Tieria's head and drew him close- not quite holding him, just keeping him near. "I..." He swallowed. His throat was dry. "...Thank you."
Lockon said nothing more. His hand stroked the top iof Tieria's head reflexively, almost idly. Tieria's breath was warm through his shirt. His breathing grew somewhat shaky- relieved, somehow, but still wary.
"L-Lockon Stratos, why are you thanking me? I did nothing deserving of your thanks."
Tieria didn't move.
He was highly uncomfortable at the moment due to the proximity of Lockon's body to his own. He wasn't one for physical contact - he never had been and, frankly, couldn't ever see himself in a position to enjoy it. But, he realized that Lockon needed him close... and that he, too, needed Lockon.
"No, you... You make me feel less like I'm... alone." The word took great effort to admit. Alone. Nobody expected Lockon Stratos to feel that way. He was popular, confident, a leader. And he was also an orphan. He had no close friends but for the family Celestial Being was. There was no time for anything else- not relaxing and certainly not dating. A personal life? The closest he came to that was lamenting it to Haro. Not that he had ever cared... Loneliness was easily staved off in the daytime and then completely forgotten in the cockpit.
But he was still lonely. Lockon Stratos was alone. He had been for years. There was Lyle... Fuck. No. I'm not going to think about Lyle. His twin might as well be dead, too. For all it was worth, Lockon was completely alone. And yet... Tieria. Somehow, he had Tieria. Tieria somehow cared. Tieria needed him, and he needed that. He'd needed it even when he hadn't realized it. "...So thank you," he muttered.
Tieria struggled a little to free himself from Lockon's hold. He needed his space, but something in the back of his mind told him not to move. Tieria, however, ignored that part of his mind and wriggled free from Lockon anyway. Tieria glanced at his fellow Gundam Meister, but quickly returned his gaze to the floor.
"Lockon, I apologize for my display earlier. It was very uncharacteristic of me and I am ashamed at my behavior. I would ask that you please remove this entire incidence from your mind; but, knowing you, that is asking far too much."
Tieria was embarrassed at everything right now. He had trashed his row in the library, broken his glasses (or so he thought, he didn't even know where the were...), cried (and in front of Lockon), and probably said some things he would end up regretting.
He continued to look down at the floor as he sat with his arms wrapped around his knees.
"Yeah, I'm not going to forget it." But his tone was gentle as he willingly but somewhat hesitantly let Tieria go. He drew in his breath and glanced about the aisle, and chose not to comment upon it. Suddenly he gave a half-smile, noting that it was Lockon Tieria had said and not the whole Lockon Stratos. He felt warmth for a few moments, opening his mouth to say something else but then shutting it and just smiling instead. He liked that.
He held his hand out to Tieria. "Won't you stand up out of this mess? We can head back hom..." He realized the slip of his tongue a beat too late, but corrected it anyway: "To the apartment."
Tieria sighed, "Lockon Stratos, I thought I clearly expressed to you that I was going to stay here. There is not enough room for me in the apartment you chose. There is only one bed."
Tieria did not accept Lockon's hand. Instead, he started trying to pick up some of the books he had thrown in his fit of rage earlier. He began stacking the books next to where he was seated and noticed a crushed pair of glasses underneath one... Tieria sighed again.
Neil Dylandy, on the other hand. Neil Dylandy was the emotional one, the side Lockon only carefully brought out now and then. Neil had no place in Celestial Being. It was Neil that visited Ireland and the graves. It was Neil that locked himself in his room on the Ptolemaios and pounded the window glass with angry fists because this fucking world was a disgusting place, and despite how hard he tried to change it, it never seemed to move...
I'm not that guy any more. I'm not that kid who cried and I'm not that orphan. So why did he feel so alone? ...No, that wasn't quite right. He wasn't alone. Tieria. Tieria knew pain, knew it to the point that it tortured Lockon to inadvertantly cause him any more of it. The Gundam Meister who pretended not to feel anything actually felt more than Lockon would ever allow himself to show on the outside.
Not quite crying. He hadn't cried in years. But his shoulders shook, his throat strained, and he closed his visible eye because his vision was swimming. His head hung towards the ground. "Damn it... T-Tieria..."
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"Please-" His injured eye throbbed, some kind of reminder- "-just-" But what could he say? What was he to ask? He wanted to tell Tieria to stop crying. He wanted to apologize for dying on him. He wanted to just remind Tieria that he was alive now, and that he wasn't going to leave again. That it was nobody's fault. He wasn't dead, and he was here, and God damn it he wished he knew the right thing to say.
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Tieria folded further into his shell the more he thought. The more the thoughts ran rampant through his mind, the more he closed everybody off from reaching deep inside.
"L-Lockon Stratos, what do you want from me?" he snapped as he tried to stop tears from spilling onto his cheeks.
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He hesitated, swallowed. And then he reached his hand out. It rested gently on Tieria's forearm, and he kept it there, looking him right in the face. "I... need you." And his vision was swimming again. "That's what I want from you." And whatever Tieria did with those words was up to him. But something like a great weight left his shoulders once he'd said it. Like a strong exhale after minutes spent underwater, staring at the surface.
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"Lockon, we have had a conversation like this before. Y-You told me that Celestial Being's plans could work without Veda, and I still struggle with that. My whole existence at this point has been dictated by Veda... And what you said about making mistakes and being human... I just don't know..."
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With this last statement, Tieria hung his head in humiliation. He wasn't the kind of being to say such things and have such feelings.
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His breath came in a disbelieving little hiss. "No..." he murmured.
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He worded none of this. He had no idea why he was thinking it. I just don't want to hurt him again. What Tieria had just said was horrible, and yet... He was filled with a kind of warmth at hearing it.
It was an entirely impulsive move. He placed his hand upon Tieria's head and drew him close- not quite holding him, just keeping him near. "I..." He swallowed. His throat was dry. "...Thank you."
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He just sat with his head against his fellow Gundam Meister.
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Tieria didn't move.
He was highly uncomfortable at the moment due to the proximity of Lockon's body to his own. He wasn't one for physical contact - he never had been and, frankly, couldn't ever see himself in a position to enjoy it. But, he realized that Lockon needed him close... and that he, too, needed Lockon.
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But he was still lonely. Lockon Stratos was alone. He had been for years. There was Lyle... Fuck. No. I'm not going to think about Lyle. His twin might as well be dead, too. For all it was worth, Lockon was completely alone. And yet... Tieria. Somehow, he had Tieria. Tieria somehow cared. Tieria needed him, and he needed that. He'd needed it even when he hadn't realized it. "...So thank you," he muttered.
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"Lockon, I apologize for my display earlier. It was very uncharacteristic of me and I am ashamed at my behavior. I would ask that you please remove this entire incidence from your mind; but, knowing you, that is asking far too much."
Tieria was embarrassed at everything right now. He had trashed his row in the library, broken his glasses (or so he thought, he didn't even know where the were...), cried (and in front of Lockon), and probably said some things he would end up regretting.
He continued to look down at the floor as he sat with his arms wrapped around his knees.
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He held his hand out to Tieria. "Won't you stand up out of this mess? We can head back hom..." He realized the slip of his tongue a beat too late, but corrected it anyway: "To the apartment."
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Tieria did not accept Lockon's hand. Instead, he started trying to pick up some of the books he had thrown in his fit of rage earlier. He began stacking the books next to where he was seated and noticed a crushed pair of glasses underneath one... Tieria sighed again.
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