some free-flowing thought...
People always walk away from me.. always.
And I always let myself hurt.. and get bitter...
I let it stain me, and I let it rise out of proportion.
Ive never been able to understand how people get so attached, and throw around words like "need" and "want" and "love".
Then, it is so easy for you to just turn your back or turn off your heart at the first sign of trouble or weakness.
You never see it through.. you lack your own convictions.
You own words become meaningless under their own weight.
I am in such a strange place these days.
I am questioning everything... I hate a lot, I love a lot.
Unfortunately, I regret a lot.
There are these bruises on my heart that I cannot heal from.
Like.. my little lost girl.... I was SO in love with her.
But I fucked it up... I made a foolish mistake.
And then, she took her chance... with major overkill...
she destroyed everything we had. Everything.
She left my life, forever it seems.
And I crumbled.
I was so desperate for any consolation.. I would have sold my soul.
I turned to mutilation, drugs, isolation.
I turned on those around me...
as I slowly decayed morally, I lashed out and pushed away anyone close to me, any remaining threat to my dying heart.
I became a monster. I was a daemon that could only consume, destroy.. hate.
Inside I was actually suffering, more than I know how to describe.
My world without her arms was so cold and gray and bleak.. I would scream in my sleep and awake crying, every fucking day.
my only respite was heroin intoxication. More and more.. more consuming, the daemon raged onward.
And the dope was rotting me alive. The more I used, the more I decayed and the emptier I became.
I dissolved my connections with those that loved me, those with actual souls.
My only remaining acquaintances (for the most part) were other lost ones..
I sought only those that would keep me at arms length, or lie, or steal, or hurt me.
I even buried myself into a relationship with a girl that lied to me, who used me, who even beat on me physically.
The loss of my greatest love had made me a loveless, shattered mess.
Then, hell itself.
The illusions that I held about my stupid little life began to unravel themselves.
My so-called friends began to show what they were.. when I stopped selling drugs, most of them shunned me.
Others only sought my attention if we were shooting up.
And then there was the woman.. this is cute...
... she ended up seducing and fucking one of my closer friends form the time.. behind my back.
And then, they both had the gaul to lie to my face about it.
I guess hurting me and watching me cry over her wasn't good enough for her.. she needed to violate my heart, too.
And thus, my life burned down.
I would hit bottom.. kicking and screaming.
I had made my own little nightmare to live in.
It was the desperation of sheer misery that forced me to consider detox.
On October 5, I entered rehab.
The twisted effects of the multi-narcotic detox gave me a heart attack.
I was "lifeless" for four minutes.
And I struggled into my "rehab". Blindly and painfully.
I did the NA thing, I did the Psych thing.
When I came back to this world, when I sobered up... woke up...
I came back to a life that was once so fucking beautiful.
When I faded out I had a budding career, great health, a future, a few REAL friends.. I had a great little life.
As I earned my awareness back.. I came to see that it was all destroyed.
I was out of school, no job, absolutely no sincere friends, no love for me of any sort, legal problems, and my health was toast.
Naturally, my mental health rapidly dissolved.
I was so lonely, so confused.. and unspeakably terrified of the future.
I did the worst possible thing.. I cut myself off.
I was totally isolated, totally.
In my darkness and solitude, my emotions and psyche ran around in circles...slowly falling apart.
I could not bare what had become of me.. I was ruined with guilt for the way I had treated some of you, and enraged with hatred for the way some of you had used or abandoned me.
I just could not abide.
When rarely i managed to write in a blog or an email, it somehow always crumbled into some pshychotic rant or angry dismissal.
As much as I tried, I could not manage my own pain.
Of course, it never helped that I am bound to such an unforgiving lot.
Those I cared for the most seemed to be the ones that had grown the sharpest tongues.
You will never know how bad what you said hurt me.. when I needed you most my arms were totally empty.
And yet, there was so much contempt for myself.
I was in constant conflict with my own mind.
I hated a thousand things about myself. Maybe more.
I hated how I had mistreated some of you, and how I had fawned over the worst of you.
I hated how I had let everything just slip away.. I let my entire life drown.
I hated that I had lied to you.. it was eating me alive.
I hated that I had grown such a shell that noone would ever again see how loving I actually, how beautiful I can be.. had i the chance again.
I hated that my body had turned on me.. I wasn't healthy anymore. I had gained so much weight, I was weak, always tired. I felt and looked toxic... I was so ugly.
I disgusted myself more than anyone else i knew. I hated who I was so much that I almost agreed with what 'she' had done.
Strange isn't it.. all of this horrid agony over her?
Again, I could not live in that state.
In my isolation, I again began to consider leaving your world. No cry for help, no sympathy.
At times, I smiled just thinking about my very last thought.
...I knew exactly what that final little thought would be of. A secret.
Of course, in this myriad of self destruction and sadness I could not maintain.
Naturally, I relapsed. I was unwanted, unsupported.. even I was disgusted by me.
I went back to my needle, the only thing in this world that needed me.
And so, this was my life.
In terror and lonliness, I would cry myself to sleep at night, if i slept at all.
I was using again, randomly.
Mine was borrowed time, quickly running out.
And then.. something somewhere stepped in.
Perhaps it was just her. I don't know, and it doesn't much matter.
Point is, someone took a notice that I was going to die. And then, they gave a shit.
What she said and who she is will go unsaid.
What she did might be a miracle, if not that.. it has given me a little time before i rid you all of myself.
For the first time in so long, someone was actually willing to look me right in the heart.
She told me about love, and she wanted NOTHING from me.
When she looked at me, she did not see a junkie or a liar or a criminal or a fatass or a villain or the dead.
She saw a frightened little boy, angry and sad and misled.
She called me out, in the kindest way ever done.
And after all of the fuss in the world.. I responded.
I put down the needle, I fell to my knees and I screamed away an æons worth of fear an loathing.
Whatever she is.. maybe an angel, maybe my next great undoing.. certainly my friend...
She has not left my side, and still she demands nothing.
It was her word that opened my eyes.
I am not cured, I am not better.
But now, I am fighting.. I am at war.
I will not lie down quietly and let your rejection and an old heartbreak kill me.
I don't care of your opinion over me.. call me what you will; weak, vamp, diseased, bitter, insane.
I haven't use for your judgments.. i have too much to do.
I am struggling now.. but gaining ground slowly.
I don't use H like that anymore. But every day is new and terribly hard.
My health is returning, slowly. Ive lst most of the gross extra weight, and I can run over a mile straight now.
Ive signed up for classes again. I am returning to school.
I still keep my distance from most of you.. I have to be careful.
Some of you will not be welcome close to me.
Some of you are missed so fucking badly.
But, I am not well yet emotionally.
I am doing my best with the anger thing.. some of you totally fucked me. Im doing what I can to just get over it and forget your names.
And the whole empty, broken heart... well, healing still hurts.
I never pray for her to come back anymore, I wouldn't hold her if I had the choice.. but I still hurt.
I am sad always.. but I dont intend to put that on anyone I might allow into my environment.
Sorrow is what I am right now.
It is my motivation, and my reservation.
I have a lot to be sad for.
I still struggle with so much regret, longing and confusion.
My loves are unreturned, and my hates are unresolved.
One day I will look for the key I need, the sacred little thing that will unlock my heart and let me out from this place...
It has got to come, if I keep my eye open.
Until that moment, I will struggle to look into the mirror.
My words have so often been those of rage and resentment.
You know if it was deserved. For the rest of you, I am so deeply sorry.
I will back that up by not attacking you anymore.. should I have anger to address, I should do so in the most respectful deserved manner.
Please understand why I will be going about this life in solitary from here.
I am looking for an answer that cannot exist.
And I always let myself hurt.. and get bitter...
I let it stain me, and I let it rise out of proportion.
Ive never been able to understand how people get so attached, and throw around words like "need" and "want" and "love".
Then, it is so easy for you to just turn your back or turn off your heart at the first sign of trouble or weakness.
You never see it through.. you lack your own convictions.
You own words become meaningless under their own weight.
I am in such a strange place these days.
I am questioning everything... I hate a lot, I love a lot.
Unfortunately, I regret a lot.
There are these bruises on my heart that I cannot heal from.
Like.. my little lost girl.... I was SO in love with her.
But I fucked it up... I made a foolish mistake.
And then, she took her chance... with major overkill...
she destroyed everything we had. Everything.
She left my life, forever it seems.
And I crumbled.
I was so desperate for any consolation.. I would have sold my soul.
I turned to mutilation, drugs, isolation.
I turned on those around me...
as I slowly decayed morally, I lashed out and pushed away anyone close to me, any remaining threat to my dying heart.
I became a monster. I was a daemon that could only consume, destroy.. hate.
Inside I was actually suffering, more than I know how to describe.
My world without her arms was so cold and gray and bleak.. I would scream in my sleep and awake crying, every fucking day.
my only respite was heroin intoxication. More and more.. more consuming, the daemon raged onward.
And the dope was rotting me alive. The more I used, the more I decayed and the emptier I became.
I dissolved my connections with those that loved me, those with actual souls.
My only remaining acquaintances (for the most part) were other lost ones..
I sought only those that would keep me at arms length, or lie, or steal, or hurt me.
I even buried myself into a relationship with a girl that lied to me, who used me, who even beat on me physically.
The loss of my greatest love had made me a loveless, shattered mess.
Then, hell itself.
The illusions that I held about my stupid little life began to unravel themselves.
My so-called friends began to show what they were.. when I stopped selling drugs, most of them shunned me.
Others only sought my attention if we were shooting up.
And then there was the woman.. this is cute...
... she ended up seducing and fucking one of my closer friends form the time.. behind my back.
And then, they both had the gaul to lie to my face about it.
I guess hurting me and watching me cry over her wasn't good enough for her.. she needed to violate my heart, too.
And thus, my life burned down.
I would hit bottom.. kicking and screaming.
I had made my own little nightmare to live in.
It was the desperation of sheer misery that forced me to consider detox.
On October 5, I entered rehab.
The twisted effects of the multi-narcotic detox gave me a heart attack.
I was "lifeless" for four minutes.
And I struggled into my "rehab". Blindly and painfully.
I did the NA thing, I did the Psych thing.
When I came back to this world, when I sobered up... woke up...
I came back to a life that was once so fucking beautiful.
When I faded out I had a budding career, great health, a future, a few REAL friends.. I had a great little life.
As I earned my awareness back.. I came to see that it was all destroyed.
I was out of school, no job, absolutely no sincere friends, no love for me of any sort, legal problems, and my health was toast.
Naturally, my mental health rapidly dissolved.
I was so lonely, so confused.. and unspeakably terrified of the future.
I did the worst possible thing.. I cut myself off.
I was totally isolated, totally.
In my darkness and solitude, my emotions and psyche ran around in circles...slowly falling apart.
I could not bare what had become of me.. I was ruined with guilt for the way I had treated some of you, and enraged with hatred for the way some of you had used or abandoned me.
I just could not abide.
When rarely i managed to write in a blog or an email, it somehow always crumbled into some pshychotic rant or angry dismissal.
As much as I tried, I could not manage my own pain.
Of course, it never helped that I am bound to such an unforgiving lot.
Those I cared for the most seemed to be the ones that had grown the sharpest tongues.
You will never know how bad what you said hurt me.. when I needed you most my arms were totally empty.
And yet, there was so much contempt for myself.
I was in constant conflict with my own mind.
I hated a thousand things about myself. Maybe more.
I hated how I had mistreated some of you, and how I had fawned over the worst of you.
I hated how I had let everything just slip away.. I let my entire life drown.
I hated that I had lied to you.. it was eating me alive.
I hated that I had grown such a shell that noone would ever again see how loving I actually, how beautiful I can be.. had i the chance again.
I hated that my body had turned on me.. I wasn't healthy anymore. I had gained so much weight, I was weak, always tired. I felt and looked toxic... I was so ugly.
I disgusted myself more than anyone else i knew. I hated who I was so much that I almost agreed with what 'she' had done.
Strange isn't it.. all of this horrid agony over her?
Again, I could not live in that state.
In my isolation, I again began to consider leaving your world. No cry for help, no sympathy.
At times, I smiled just thinking about my very last thought.
...I knew exactly what that final little thought would be of. A secret.
Of course, in this myriad of self destruction and sadness I could not maintain.
Naturally, I relapsed. I was unwanted, unsupported.. even I was disgusted by me.
I went back to my needle, the only thing in this world that needed me.
And so, this was my life.
In terror and lonliness, I would cry myself to sleep at night, if i slept at all.
I was using again, randomly.
Mine was borrowed time, quickly running out.
And then.. something somewhere stepped in.
Perhaps it was just her. I don't know, and it doesn't much matter.
Point is, someone took a notice that I was going to die. And then, they gave a shit.
What she said and who she is will go unsaid.
What she did might be a miracle, if not that.. it has given me a little time before i rid you all of myself.
For the first time in so long, someone was actually willing to look me right in the heart.
She told me about love, and she wanted NOTHING from me.
When she looked at me, she did not see a junkie or a liar or a criminal or a fatass or a villain or the dead.
She saw a frightened little boy, angry and sad and misled.
She called me out, in the kindest way ever done.
And after all of the fuss in the world.. I responded.
I put down the needle, I fell to my knees and I screamed away an æons worth of fear an loathing.
Whatever she is.. maybe an angel, maybe my next great undoing.. certainly my friend...
She has not left my side, and still she demands nothing.
It was her word that opened my eyes.
I am not cured, I am not better.
But now, I am fighting.. I am at war.
I will not lie down quietly and let your rejection and an old heartbreak kill me.
I don't care of your opinion over me.. call me what you will; weak, vamp, diseased, bitter, insane.
I haven't use for your judgments.. i have too much to do.
I am struggling now.. but gaining ground slowly.
I don't use H like that anymore. But every day is new and terribly hard.
My health is returning, slowly. Ive lst most of the gross extra weight, and I can run over a mile straight now.
Ive signed up for classes again. I am returning to school.
I still keep my distance from most of you.. I have to be careful.
Some of you will not be welcome close to me.
Some of you are missed so fucking badly.
But, I am not well yet emotionally.
I am doing my best with the anger thing.. some of you totally fucked me. Im doing what I can to just get over it and forget your names.
And the whole empty, broken heart... well, healing still hurts.
I never pray for her to come back anymore, I wouldn't hold her if I had the choice.. but I still hurt.
I am sad always.. but I dont intend to put that on anyone I might allow into my environment.
Sorrow is what I am right now.
It is my motivation, and my reservation.
I have a lot to be sad for.
I still struggle with so much regret, longing and confusion.
My loves are unreturned, and my hates are unresolved.
One day I will look for the key I need, the sacred little thing that will unlock my heart and let me out from this place...
It has got to come, if I keep my eye open.
Until that moment, I will struggle to look into the mirror.
My words have so often been those of rage and resentment.
You know if it was deserved. For the rest of you, I am so deeply sorry.
I will back that up by not attacking you anymore.. should I have anger to address, I should do so in the most respectful deserved manner.
Please understand why I will be going about this life in solitary from here.
I am looking for an answer that cannot exist.