All We Are -- Chapter 6
When Jun realized that he actually considered Sho a friend, he panicked. Jun Matsumoto didn’t have friends, he had people who feared him and people who served him.
He never told Sho how he used to dream about the boy who saved him. How he used to wonder if that boy would’ve still saved him knowing what he was - what he would become. But by some unspoken rule, the two never talked about what happened 10 years ago. He had been so happy the past couple of months with Sho. Jun hadn’t even known such happiness was possible. But lately Sho was being even more evasive in answering his questions, and it frustrated Jun that he wasn’t being candid.
It didn’t help that Jun had a habit of protecting himself with anger and detachment. It was how he had survived for so long as a criminal. And he had to know; he just had to know. Jun would never admit it, but he’d been dying for someone to care about him, and if he was being completely honest, he’d wanted the boy who saved him to care for him the most.
Would Sho really accept him for who he is?
Jun was a ticking time bomb with all of these conflicting feelings, and it was just a question of when he would explode. Realizing the friendship he had with Sho was the fire that set him off.
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“Why did you save me?”
Sho froze, thankful for the newspaper that hid his face. He was reading up on the latest economic issues, and he had thought Jun was asleep. Obviously not.
“What kind of person would I be to just leave you in the street to die? Is that all you really think of me, Jun?” Sho lowered the newspaper so that he could look at Jun, and attempted a crooked smile.
Jun wasn’t looking at him, and instead stared at the wall. “You know that’s not what I was talking about.”
Sho’s smile faltered. He had tried not to bring this up. He was worried he would scare Jun away, and he was worried about the questions Jun would ask. But if Sho believed in anything, it was honesty.
“I saved you because you were a boy drowning in a pool. I saved you because…how could I not?”
Jun still wasn’t looking at him, and Sho realized that Jun honestly didn’t understand why Sho had even bothered all those years ago.
“I would have been considered your killer if I had left you. You fainted and hit your head, falling into the pool. You were alone and defenseless. How could I leave a boy to die?”
Jun looked at Sho then. “You think I fainted and that’s how I fell into the pool?”
Sho picked up on the disbelief in Jun’s voice. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t have a clue, do you?” Jun was clearly angry, but Sho couldn’t figure out why. “I didn’t faint and fall into the pool, you idiot.”
“Wh-wha...I don’t…b-but…you had a gash on your forehead.”
“Yeah, I did. Because two thugs hit me over the head and threw me in the pool! That’s the kind of world I’m a part of, in case you hadn't noticed!” Jun was shouting now.
Sho sucked in his breath. He recalled the two burly men he hid from, thinking they were just drunken Americans running around the hotel. They did it…
Sho felt a sudden surge of anger at the men who tried to kill a barely teenage Jun. But Jun apparently wasn’t done.
“You have no idea what happened to me after that, or even before that. My life has been hell. It would’ve been better if you hadn’t saved me. I doubt you would’ve saved me if you had known what I would become!” Jun looked livid and close to tears. He was standing over Sho now, and Sho could tell this was something he had been keeping inside for a long time.
“I would’ve still saved you.”
“No. No! No no no! Don’t you dare tell me that. Do you know what I’ve done? I steal, I lie, I cheat. I’ve killed countless people in cold blood. I’m a murderer. Can you really say you’d have saved me knowing I’d end up a murderer!?”
“Yes.”
“NO!” Jun pulled Sho up by the collar of his shirt. “No one saves a murderer! Don’t lie to me, Sho!”
“I would’ve still saved you, Jun.”
Jun punched Sho hard in the face, sending Sho sprawling to the floor. Sho lay there, wiping the blood from his mouth, as Jun continued yelling.
“You, living here in your nice little apartment…you have no idea what I’ve gone through. You think I like killing people? You think I like the looks of disgust from people on the street? You think I enjoy being alone? Here I am, laughing it up with you, but really, you don’t know the first thing about me.” Jun leaned down and put his face close to Sho’s, bringing his voice back to normal. “Stop pretending we’re friends. Stop pretending you care. Just stop.”
Sho let the metallic taste of blood linger on his tongue as he turned his bruised face to look at Jun, to seriously stare him in the eyes. He could see Jun was screaming for someone to love him, for someone to care, and it made Sho’s voice calm.
“This is how you’ve thought of yourself your whole life?” Sho’s eyes were sad. “I've learned a lot about you these past few weeks, and the biggest thing I've learned is that you are a good person, Jun Matsumoto. You just said it yourself - you don’t like killing people. That’s because you aren’t a killer, Jun. Yes, you’ve killed people, but it was because you had to, wasn’t it? You were forced to, by circumstances beyond your control. You had to keep yourself alive - that doesn’t make you a murderer. Not to me. Would you have killed people if you hadn’t been forced to? Would you have done all those things if the gangs didn’t make you?” Sho’s voice was rising now. “No. No, Jun. You wouldn’t have. So guess what? I still would’ve saved you. I wouldn’t let you die - not then, and not now. You’re a good person in a bad situation. Beat me up all you want. My answer won’t change. I won’t abandon you again.”
Sho closed his eyes, waiting to feel Jun’s decision.
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Jun couldn’t believe it. Sho was sitting in front of him, face slightly swollen, lips bleeding, waiting for Jun to hit him again. He said he would’ve done it again. He said… He could see the sincerity in Sho’s eyes and it overwhelmed him.
Everything Jun had said he had been feeling for the past 10 years. All that pent up anger was now released, and the outcome was something Jun hadn’t expected. Sho said all the words he had been wishing to hear but never dared to believe. He’d never known feelings like this because he’d never been shown any. Jun crumbled to his knees as tears began to fall. He had finally heard the genuine words he craved. He reached for Sho’s bruised face, gently stroking his fingers against the cheek he struck moments before. I did this…
Sho opened his eyes as Jun began to sob. The older man took Jun into his arms as Jun muttered, “I’m so sorry” over and over and over.
What a warm embrace these arms hold.