(no subject)

[somanytimes_]

sometimes i get sick of writing what i do for all to see. no one cares what i did today, nor do many even read it. i do things daily. i move, i speak, i sit, i listen. i think about the boy thats always on my mind. i think about why i'm always home instead of out enjoying my life to the fullest. i wonder why no one takes me seriously. it takes someone with alot of heart to truley enjoy life. i enjoy it, but not to the fullest. i want to get out there. i want to do something with my life. i dont want to sit at this keyboard for 5+ hours a day while all my other friends are out having a blast. my parents keep me in such close quaters. i've never rode the bus alone. i've never walked anywhere alone, besides a couple days ago when i shouldent have anyways. i got offered a job, and my mom wont let me take it. " its every single morning and you cant call in sick, theese kids are relying on you and if you wake up one morning and decide you dont want to go , then that could ruin alot" . its a baby sitting job, i dont know whats so wrong. i understand that i'm getting hired as a full time baby sitter. six AM to three PM every week day for a month and a half. no sick days. no 'im tired' days. no staying at someones house and not being able to make it. the kids will be alone if i'm not there. i understand that. i want to do it. i need to do it. i need to show that i'm responsible for something, and that i'm not just the fuck up that i seem to be. my grades were horrible. beyond horrible. i dont think i'm getting my camera, and i'm definatly not getting my phone. i've decided to change the way i live my life. its not going to be easy. i want to enjoy every second of it, but i dont mean by being the most annoying girl i can be and see how much it pisses people off. i mean i want to have fun. i want to make something out of myself, i want to be something big when i get older. not britney spears big, but i want to have a family. i want to not struggle like my family does. everything in my life i've gotten with whining and begging for it. i've realised that i probley shouldent do that anymore. i dont know who my true friends are , or even if i have any. i dont even think gabe is a true friend and i'm sure that if i was to leave that none of them would notice i was gone after a couple weeks. they might be all 'wheres kim' for a while but.. idk. i sure hope i'm wrong. lately i've been reconsidering my religion too, i had a nice long talk with my grandma on the way back from watertown about chruch. i kind of miss going. i belive in god, i belive in jesus and what he did for us. but i dont know if i want to be devoted. i want to belive in it all but not follow it strictly . i dont know what i mean really.

i'm sleep deprived and listening to emo lyrics. so .. i'm sry for this. belive me, tomorow i'll be re reading it all and thinking.. wtf was going thru my head? then i'll probley go jumping into walls and being crazy as hell like normal.

-xokim.