GROWTH!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why is it that I can say anything I need to say when it is written/typed? But when it comes to SPEAKING I can't seem to find the words? What is it exactly about speaking that makes me feel so rediculiously vulnerable? What is it about the questions people throw at me because they don't understand what it is that I am saying that takes me to a place of insecurity? Why do I let the fact that some people just don't get my way of thinking/processing/conveying weigh on how I view myself?...and it's not just that, or rather that isn't really the issue. The issue is all in me. It has nothing to do 'them' and has everything to do with me and my issues regarding time, my voice, and organized thoughts...here's what I've just realized due to an encounter today. I, in the past, haven't been able to react in situations where I feel my words are being challenged. Normally my brain freezes up and nothing happens in my head, I just sit there...air...but now, because I've been tested and I have been working on this daily I have reached a place where I can think in situations where I'm being called to explain in greater detail the things I say. This is HUGE for me, it may not sound like a big thing, but trust me, my voice is my number one test coming this far after battling and dealing with different layers of this onion my whole life is a very big deal. So, today, I thought that my slowness in responding to questions, and my unsatisfactory answers were due to how i tend to not analyze my feelings, I just am aware of them, they just are...but for someone who is very logical and can't understand how that is possible it is very difficult to express why it is I am like this. So after the conversation, that lasted 2 hours, not only was it difficult because I was having to explain myself the whole time, but I was doing so at work so everyone around could hear what I was talking about on the phone, I am a private person, and besides the fact that it's difficult to explain myself, having my co-workers listening to only one side of a very difficult conversation was HELL...but good, because it was a challenge that really helped me...because after I cried a little and prayed a little I realized that I actually am slow in responding, and have a hard time because there is SOOO much I want to say that I pick and choose pieces of the information in a very scatterbrained way, so it comes across messy and incomplete, while in my head it makes perfect sense...SO...this is what I am working on...being organized in my delivery of thoughts...taking the time to really say all that it is that I have to say. (Before I wouldn't allow myself time to talk, now I am making myself take as much time as necessary, GROWTH IS GREAT!!)
Anywho...this test was very difficult, but well worth the pain to realize, and focus my energy to where it needs to be.
LOVE LOVE LOVE
Anywho...this test was very difficult, but well worth the pain to realize, and focus my energy to where it needs to be.
LOVE LOVE LOVE