i'm a charming nothing
i make myself physically ill. i never thought i could really proclaim this with such gusto, but motherfuck if it ain't true. for example-- yesterday was so downright rotten and terrible (because of my shit actions) that when i arrived at the juliette & the licks show at el corazon, i commenced puking repetitively in the goddamn bathroom for the first half. not because i was sick. not because i was drunk. because i am so fucking fed up with everything. so overwhelmed, and so terrified of a certain plasma-cutter wielding broad and her stupid stupid antics. i think that maybe what i had last night was a panic attack. that situation where you are walking into the bar and you feel like you can't go in, but you can't stay out on the sidewalk, and you can't be inside of your head, and you don't want to look at livia because she has such a torturous smug look on her horrifying face, and you can't call jace-pace because you just ruined everything, and you have few other friends (and you certainly can't contact them like this,) and you want to drink, and you want to avoid her, and you want to avoid the cigarette smoke but you also want it coming out of your mouth, and so you just look around real-quick-like and then run to the bathroom and throw up for a while. and maybe cry a little. and maybe shake and sweat and give livia the most gut-wrenchingly sad look when she finally comes looking for you. (you being me.)