☠ hey look! a blog! ☠
so hi.
this is an actual blog.
idk.
so i'm probably bi-polar, fluctuating between hypo-manic and depressive cycles.... i think either my hypo-manic is at an and or i just need my meds.
the story with my meds: i can never schedule an appointment correctly, wait too long, and therefore fuck up when it's time to refill my dexedrine. i need an actual appointment to do this, since it's a controlled substance. i would give anything to change this, but whatever.
so tomorrow, i have to go out by myself, take two buses and go to my doctor's, where i don't want to be in the first place.
i'm terribly panicked by this... i can't think of anything else.
besides my dead cat and my dead mom and, well, all the other stressors in my life....
*stabs stuff*
so send me happy vibes at around 2:30pm, pst, so i can get out the door without crying, dying, or wanting to die in order to prevent having to go out on my own for the first time in like over two years, not counting the one time i went to get food stamps last year.
too many horrid things happen in the world, how are we all not agoraphobic? i mean, the things i hear from people i know... not to mention the goddamn news and fucking crime-scene tv shows....
idk how to get stronger other than facing this shit, but i really don't want to....
i mean, really really...
i don't know how many people have experienced panic attacks to the point where you'd really prefer death to facing the dreaded situation, but that's how i feel right now.... and how i will feel when i have to leave tomorrow afternoon... i'm not sure there's enough xanax in the world to help me get through this.
all i can do is try... and getting my dexedrine is a huge motivation,since i'm all out.... i have one left, and i'm going to have to halve it as it is (i've been taking half in the morning and 1/4 at night, or i wouldn't have made it at all.... but without it, i become a zombie with withdrawal.)
so that's it.
yes, more bitching. i can't help it. i'm dysfunctional, and i admit it. and then i look at all these people i know and models i admire and i'm like "fuck, how do they actually travel all over the country/world by themselves?" i can't even leave the house alone....
that's just me. that's why i don't succeed. maybe i should just accept that as my lot in life... and here, i always thought i was destined for something bigger. but i'm not. i'm just a tiny person with my tiny existence.... i mean, we all are, really. but at least some people have an impact on others. i have an impact on maybe... half a dozen people.
my neck and shoulders hurt....
i want my mom back. and all my kitties.
☠ ~soma~ ☠