How to cook forty humans.

[soma_dzayin]

The Hills Have Eyes (the new one) disturbed me on a very deep level. Watching your family get murdered because some asshole wants to eat them is just depraved.

I decided to make a list of the best and worst ways to hit a mutant hillbilly if you want to kill him and rescue your baby.

• Throat/neck : bar none the best spot to hit somebody. It's full of important nerves, arteries, it's got the windpipe, it's completely unarmored, and doesn't have a lot of mobility. No fancy arm locks and eye gouges necessary if you can just choke someone out or crush his throat with all your might. I'm pretty sure all your might is enough to render someone's throat lethally fucked up. Beware the body's natural reflex to tuck the chin when the throat is threatened. Luckily, a standard hillbilly maladaptation is underbite and small chin. You can stop reading now, but I know you won't.
  
• Eye : seems like a good idea, but you're throwing your life away if you try for a lucky eye gouge. Most obviously, it's a very small target. And it's surrounded by thick skull, which hurts if you hit it. Not to mention the fact that people have great reflexes on their heads. If they see something is coming for the eye (which is likely, since eyes are the best thing to see with), they are going to jerk their head in pretty much any direction and ruin your shot. If you are grappling, the eye becomes a much better choice, since their head is going to be relatively still. Pull a 28 Days/The Descent and gouge away in that case.
  
• Face : don't punch someone in the face if you are trying to kill them. Faces are very hard and bony, and it will hurt your hand, and most of the time not hurt them too badly.
  
• Back/side of the head : a much better place to punch somebody. They don't see it coming, so the neck muscles can't tense to soften the blow as well. A shot to the back of the head can knock someone out, and will almost certainly make them disoriented for long enough to get in another good punch. The side of the head just hurts a lot to get punched in, and might cause blindness. If you're behind them, you're better off with a choke.
  
• Knees : the knees are a good spot to hit someone because they are an inflexible joint, but the entirety of body weight is on them helping you to do some damage. The front of the knee is not the best. The calf, shin, hamstring, and quad muscle groups all help to strengthen the knee from the front and back. Plus the kneecap has a little bit of give to it. Hitting someone in the side of the knee will fuck up that knee, though. There is no muscle reinforcement. You have to hit someone pretty hard to made them do anything but yell at you and then kill you with a fire axe.
  
• Chest : are you kidding me? It's all full of armor and not a lot of critical organs. When's the last time someone got their heart punched out besides Steve Irwin?
  
• Back : seriously, don't. The back is just a big lump of muscle without a lot of nerve endings, so it won't do any damage and won't hurt.
  
• Fingers : probably not a bad last ditch option. Lots of takedown holds involve grabbing the fingers or hands and twisting up against the shoulder and locking the elbow. If you don't know any of those, just break the fingers.
  
• Elbows : I doubt you can hurt someone's elbows without a crowbar. Especially somebody bigger and stronger than you are.
  
• Blunt weapons : If you have some sort of heavy weapon like a bat or a club, do anything you can to avoid hitting someone sideways. Their arms block the ribcage and abdomen. That bat won't break someone's humerus, but I bet it would break his collarbone. A head shot will also fuck someone up if you don't miss and overextend yourself. A bat is basically the opposite of a fist, the more bone you can hit, the better. Top/back of the head, kneecap, hip.
  
• Sharp weapons : Don't pretend you can hack anything off or cut someone's chest open. A butcher knife or a screwdriver is a pretty crappy weapon because it hurts a little and might kill someone later, but probably won't stop them now, and you'll have to do something more dangerous to end the fight. Try and hit the same spots as if you were unarmed, but remember that a light weapon doesn't have as much weight behind it as a punch or kick, and a heavy one will throw you off balance.
  
• Stabby weapons : I don't mean a switchblade, I mean like a broken piece of pipe or rebar or something like that. I don't really know what you should do with that, probably just stab at the chest, but don't assume anything you stab or cut is lethal. If you get him once, don't hesitate to pull it out and stab him again. Don't stop until he falls down and you can bash his goddamn head off.
  
• Guns : If they don't have a gun, and you have some distance, stand still and take your time to shoot them.
  

Also, press the advantage when your seriously awesome killer dog jumps the dude. Instead of locking yourself in the bathroom with a baseball bat, bash the sumbitch's head in.

If there are a lot of them and one of you, you got to set some traps. If you see him before he sees you, that's like win doubleplus. This is lifeboat ethics, buddy. Kill that asshole sitting in his rocking chair watching Divorce Court. If you don't he'll crack you one and stick you in some weird unrefrigerated hillbilly refrigerator.

I hope that covers that. Don't get stuck in a horror movie massacre scenario. If newer slashers have taught me anything, it's that even if you win, you will get some fingers chopped off.