(no subject)

[solusstella]

well a friday nightat 9:00 and i'm sitting here. bored out of my skull. but this gives me a chance to write and reflect on what has been happening to me these past few days and how i'm doing. Right now, not so good. Theres this guy, and i've been talking to him for these past few weeks and he's sooooo sweet in every aspect, and i thought that it was all going alright. i mean last friday he invited me to the movies with him and his frat bros. and we had an awesome time, we went back to the frat house after, and we had a good talk there and it was awesome. have talked to him every day (phone/online) since then and its alwasy so fun, he calls me sweetheart, or he always answers hey you. and i melt. so back back to why i'm not so good. but yet as i type this i'm alright with the not so good mixed in, its weird, conflicting emotions. so tonight i call him to ask him if he could be my date to Monte Carlo, which is a semi-formal dance coming up on the 6th. and he's all yeah, i'm free sounds like a good time, i'll go with you, but i'll have to check and see if is alright with the girl i'm seeing. my heart dropped right there, just dropped out of my ribcage onto the floor, and i stepped on it 10 times. i don't think it was that bad, but yeah it was bad, but i smile and put on a happy face and say okay no problem, and he said that he would let me know asap, cause in case its not good with this 'chick' then i would have to find another date, i dunno who that would be but yeah i hope he can be my date cuase that would be fun, we could go as friends, but i thought it was more than that, but i guess i was wrong about that. i tend to be wrong about alot of things lately. about every freaking thing that is happening in my life has gone wrong right at the same time and it has crushed me. i am a lump of quivering scardness. i don't kow whats going to happen next in my life, and that scares me. i'm the type of person that always has to know whats going to happen next cause i don't want to be scared. and i know that that is a bad way to view life, i need spontanaity in my life, i need excitement, cause right now its Boring with a captial B. i'm tired of always doing the same thing over and over, go to class come back do homework, all the time all the same damn time. i want a difference. right now i want someone in my life, i'm tired of being alone, i've been alone for along time 4 years and counting. i've never had a serious relationship, hell i've never been in a meaningful relationship. i want to experience what it'll be like, i want to have someoine that truly cares about me, that knows how to make me feel special when i'm down in the ground, and they know exactlly what to do to pull me out of that hole. hell, i'm in that hole right now, freaking suffering like whats her name in silence of the lambs, but without all the "it puts the lotion on its skin" serial killer stuff not cool. but anywho, my life sucks right now and last night was no piece of cake either. that didn't help me at all. i don't want to go into details about it cause its a little too personal for me to say right now, but i'm glad that a friend was there to help me through it cause otherwise i would have had the worst night ever, it was that bad. but on that issue i'm alright now, completely better.
i think i just want to be alone tonight to think things through, but at the same time i want to surround myself with people to so i won't be alone. i just don't want to be by myself anymore, i'm tired of it.