Nobody's Listening
Shooting from the hip.
I don't feel like issuing forth any great wisdom today, or writing from a prompt on a topic I have been meaning to express my thoughts about.
I mostly feel like talking about something that's bothering me today.
It's fortunate that my family doesn't really read or keep up with these blogs; I know my brother in law has a livejournal account, and if this comes back to bite me then so be it.
A few months ago my family and I began an undertaking with my house. My initial plan was to try and do some home maintenance while downsizing the hoard and squalor of the place where I live. As a result of severe depression, My mother and I both have serious self-neglect issues. Mine are possibly more serious than hers; If I lose momentum or break routine at all it can take ages for me to get rolling again. I mostly can't care that much for myself; unless it's on behalf of someone else about all I manage to do is eat, and even that only happens if there's something worth the trouble.
I had a plan. The only part of the plan anyone paid any attention to was " get a portable storage unit delivered so we can sort stuff." No attention at all on " paint, home repair supplies, cleaning materials, storage bins and labeling supplies, permanent solutions for improved storage in the overcrowded rooms."
I've also been asking for, pointing out the need of, and attempting to acquire the things needed for getting the yard straightened out and in a position to grow food in for actual years now. I have no significant income, but the longer I go without being able to buy, beg, or borrow the tools necessary to keep an acre of the real Florida from turning into a jungle, the greater the odds that someone will notice and call environmental enforcement on us.
Which is what's happened.
We're in this situation because we're poor. Because in this country it's not easy to break even much less get ahead. But we're also in this position because no one fucking listens to me. I know that sounds horrifically egotistical, but I'm going to make another egotistical sounding confession here: I'm brilliant. I'm not bragging. It's an objective statement of fact. I am consistently correct and normally able to be twenty steps ahead of everyone around me. I know what the hell I'm talking about and I prove it time and time again, so why does NO ONE LISTEN?
That used to be the title of this BLOG; " Nobody's Listening "
It can't be for no reason.
I bet it has to do with my confidence and manner. I'm too conciliatory, too willing to let things slide and clean up the mess later, for one. I don't think I respect myself all that much. I don't stand up for myself very strongly. I don't have anything to prove.
When I'm not listened to, nothing goes well. When I insist on my position everything goes smoothly. On the rare occasions that I stick to my guns and refuse to deviate from my insight, intuition, better judgement, any and all of the above?
I have, in my life, had two entirely perfect days. Every detail went off without a hitch. Because i listened and trusted without questioning.
Maybe that's what this is about. Maybe no one trusts my judgement because I don't even know how to trust someone else anymore.
I know how to predict their behavior much of the time. People can be irrational but are predictably so. But being able to count on someone acting a certain way ISN'T BEING ABLE TO TRUST THEM.
Is it?
Isn't trust the capacity to feel safe around someone, to feel confident that you'll be alright if you let them care for you? Isn't that what Faith is?
Am I consistently ignored because, just as I cannot trust someone else's judgement, no one else can trust mine?
Does it even matter that I have pretty good reasons?
Or do I just need to keep leaning harder and harder on that passage from the book of Romans, Chapter 8 verse 28.
I really wish I knew what this was about. It's very frustrating.
Honestly....
It's kind of killing me.
I don't feel like issuing forth any great wisdom today, or writing from a prompt on a topic I have been meaning to express my thoughts about.
I mostly feel like talking about something that's bothering me today.
It's fortunate that my family doesn't really read or keep up with these blogs; I know my brother in law has a livejournal account, and if this comes back to bite me then so be it.
A few months ago my family and I began an undertaking with my house. My initial plan was to try and do some home maintenance while downsizing the hoard and squalor of the place where I live. As a result of severe depression, My mother and I both have serious self-neglect issues. Mine are possibly more serious than hers; If I lose momentum or break routine at all it can take ages for me to get rolling again. I mostly can't care that much for myself; unless it's on behalf of someone else about all I manage to do is eat, and even that only happens if there's something worth the trouble.
I had a plan. The only part of the plan anyone paid any attention to was " get a portable storage unit delivered so we can sort stuff." No attention at all on " paint, home repair supplies, cleaning materials, storage bins and labeling supplies, permanent solutions for improved storage in the overcrowded rooms."
I've also been asking for, pointing out the need of, and attempting to acquire the things needed for getting the yard straightened out and in a position to grow food in for actual years now. I have no significant income, but the longer I go without being able to buy, beg, or borrow the tools necessary to keep an acre of the real Florida from turning into a jungle, the greater the odds that someone will notice and call environmental enforcement on us.
Which is what's happened.
We're in this situation because we're poor. Because in this country it's not easy to break even much less get ahead. But we're also in this position because no one fucking listens to me. I know that sounds horrifically egotistical, but I'm going to make another egotistical sounding confession here: I'm brilliant. I'm not bragging. It's an objective statement of fact. I am consistently correct and normally able to be twenty steps ahead of everyone around me. I know what the hell I'm talking about and I prove it time and time again, so why does NO ONE LISTEN?
That used to be the title of this BLOG; " Nobody's Listening "
It can't be for no reason.
I bet it has to do with my confidence and manner. I'm too conciliatory, too willing to let things slide and clean up the mess later, for one. I don't think I respect myself all that much. I don't stand up for myself very strongly. I don't have anything to prove.
When I'm not listened to, nothing goes well. When I insist on my position everything goes smoothly. On the rare occasions that I stick to my guns and refuse to deviate from my insight, intuition, better judgement, any and all of the above?
I have, in my life, had two entirely perfect days. Every detail went off without a hitch. Because i listened and trusted without questioning.
Maybe that's what this is about. Maybe no one trusts my judgement because I don't even know how to trust someone else anymore.
I know how to predict their behavior much of the time. People can be irrational but are predictably so. But being able to count on someone acting a certain way ISN'T BEING ABLE TO TRUST THEM.
Is it?
Isn't trust the capacity to feel safe around someone, to feel confident that you'll be alright if you let them care for you? Isn't that what Faith is?
Am I consistently ignored because, just as I cannot trust someone else's judgement, no one else can trust mine?
Does it even matter that I have pretty good reasons?
Or do I just need to keep leaning harder and harder on that passage from the book of Romans, Chapter 8 verse 28.
I really wish I knew what this was about. It's very frustrating.
Honestly....
It's kind of killing me.