Time Flies Like An Arrow (Fruit Flies Like A Banana)
Title: Time Flies Like An Arrow (Fruit Flies Like A Banana)
Rating: G
Characters: Clyde Langer, Rani Chandra
Words: ~1400
Beta: pocky_slash
Summary: In which there are giant spiders, hiding places and puns.
Note: If the jokes sound familiar, there is a reason.
hc_bingo prompt: arachnophobia
So. Giant Spider Invasion.
It wasn’t that surprising; an evil clown, a rhino-alien, big green things that can be dissolved with vinegar - how could any new monster be a surprise? But Luke and Sarah Jane were trapped on Bannerman Road, leaving Clyde and Rani alone on the school grounds, huddled behind a maintenance shed, unable to move for fear of being seen, and that made it a little worse.
All right. A lot worse.
Rani could hear the scuttling steps of the spiders as they crawled over the outside of the school; she’d seen pictures on the internet of spiders the size of clocks and dinner plates, spiders eating birds and spinning webs around bicycles, but these trumped all of that. They were the size of cars. And they were going to get bigger.
She turned back to Clyde, sitting next to her against the maintenance shed. “Clyde Langer, you’ve been cast in Honey, I Blew Up The Spiders. How do you feel?”
Clyde didn’t look like he felt all that great. He was pale, and his eyes shone in an altogether unpleasant way. It reminded her of someone with a fever, one of the really bad fevers they talked about in historical fiction where the person starts seeing dead relatives and talking about the sea. His hands were shaking, too. He was sitting on them, but she could still see it. And he shuddered, every few seconds. A deep, full-body shudder that he tried to hide. That made her stop for a moment. Made her really look at him.
Clyde was absolutely terrified.
“Clyde--” she started.
“Don’t,” he said. He wasn’t looking at her. He was very, very focused on the door of one of the classrooms across the grass. She thought he might be staring at the door number. “Don’t start.”
“I wasn’t going to--”
“Clyde’s afraid of spiders, it’s a big laugh, haha,” he said, with absolutely no modulation in his voice, no ups or downs or pauses. He spoke as if he couldn’t even hear her. “Have your joke, but please have it quietly, because if they see us I’m going to drop dead.”
Rani frowned at him. This was strange. They’d been in tight situations before, yeah - that thing in the mansion with all of the ghosts hadn’t been the best of experiences, particularly being stuck with Clyde in that cluttered little room on the grounds, but at least then he’d been joking. Punning and everything. Seeing Clyde this way - actually scared enough to take something seriously - was scaring her more than the spiders.
She folded herself out of her crouch and sat down on the asphalt next to Clyde, scooting maybe a little closer than usual, shoulder to shoulder. She bent her head to look at his face.
“There were two muffins in an oven,” she said. “One turns to the other and says, ‘Damn, it’s hot in here!’ And the other one says, ‘Oh my God, a talking muffin!’”
Clyde let out a shaky breath. Rani took it as what passed for a laugh when you’re fit to wet yourself.
“What do you get when you put a sheep on a trampoline?” Clyde asked, his voice only a little higher than usual, his eyes still pinned to the door across the way.
“What?”
“A wooly jumper.”
She laughed. She did it quietly, but she still did it. She thought for a moment. “What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?”
Clyde smiled, his eyes still a little hysterical, but getting better. “A-flat minor.”
Rani smirked. “It’s gonna be like that then, is it?”
Clyde dragged his eyes toward her, and Rani felt a rush of relief at that. The way he’d been staring was creepy, like he was trying to forget everything but what was directly in front of him. The number to that classroom, or the door, or the name next to it, or whatever. It was much better to have him looking at her. His smile widened, only slightly ill-looking. “What’s black and white and black and white and black and white and black and--”
Rani interrupted. “A penguin rolling down a hill. What’s black and white and laughing?”
“The penguin that pushed him.” Clyde paused for a second. “Why did the man driving the train get struck by lightning?”
“He was a good conductor. Why do seagulls live by the sea?”
“If they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels.”
Clyde was starting to get color back in his cheeks. His eyes were normal, too, shining with laughter instead of sick fear, and that was great. Rani could hardly hear the scurry of the giant spiders anymore; she’d almost forgotten about them, actually, trying to distract Clyde. She seemed to be doing a good job. “What do Christmas and a cat in the desert have in common?”
Clyde’s eyebrows lowered. He didn’t know that one. “What?”
“Sandy Claws.”
Clyde laughed. A real laugh. She pulled him closer to her to muffle it, but she could feel the laugh still bubbling in him, a giggle, the kind you get when you absolutely cannot laugh. She could feel one in her chest, too, listening to Clyde’s, and she tried to keep it down.
Clyde said into her shoulder, through his laughter, “How do you make a handkerchief dance?”
“How?” Rani managed, already feeling the laughter rising up in her throat, hysterical and forbidden and ridiculous.
“You put a little boogie in it.”
She lost it. She clutched at Clyde and buried her face in his shoulder, muting the sound of her voice. She didn’t know if spiders had good hearing (or if super spiders had super hearing), but she knew she didn’t want to find out. She could feel Clyde still laughing against her, his back shaking as he tried to find breath through the waves of hilarity that were gripping both of them.
“W-where,” Rani tried, before she had to stop for another tide. “Where does the king keep his armies?”
“Wh-where?”
Rani whispered, “In his sleevies!”
They fell apart, clutching their sides and rolling, unable to contain the built-up fear and mirth and anxiety, shaking with silent laughter. Rani could see Clyde beating the asphalt with his fist, howling noiselessly, and it sent her tumbling into another round of rough giggles.
“What on Earth could you two possibly be on about?”
They both looked up. Sarah Jane stood towering over them with her hands on her hips, Luke right behind her, looking confused and worried. The car was parked half on the grass beyond them, doors hanging open.
Sarah Jane had probably thought they were dying or something.
Rani caught Clyde’s eye, and they started again.
Rani made herself stand and offer a hand out to Clyde, wiping tears out of her eyes. He accepted it and she pulled him up, then brushed the dirt off of him. She looked at Sarah Jane. “Here to save us?” she asked, casual.
Sarah Jane threw her hands up, then turned and started back for the car. “I surround myself with madmen. I’m cursed. Giant spiders attacking the school, stuck behind a rickety tin shed, and my partners get a fit of giggles. Wonderful.” She slid into the car and shut the door.
Rani, Clyde and Luke hurried after her. Luke slid into the front seat, and Rani and Clyde tumbled into the back. As he was pulling his seatbelt across his chest, Clyde looked toward Luke in front of him. “Luke,” he said. “Why couldn’t the little pirate go to see the film?”
Luke turned in his seat as Sarah Jane bounced them across the school yard and toward the road. “I don’t know,” he said, smiling uncertainly. “Why couldn’t he?”
“Because it was rated ARR!” Rani crowed.
Rani and Clyde burst out once again into uncontrollable laughter.
Luke just stared, his head tilted slightly, smiling because they were crazy. Sarah Jane let out a put-upon sigh and pulled out onto the road, then put the pedal down.
Rating: G
Characters: Clyde Langer, Rani Chandra
Words: ~1400
Beta: pocky_slash
Summary: In which there are giant spiders, hiding places and puns.
Note: If the jokes sound familiar, there is a reason.
hc_bingo prompt: arachnophobia
So. Giant Spider Invasion.
It wasn’t that surprising; an evil clown, a rhino-alien, big green things that can be dissolved with vinegar - how could any new monster be a surprise? But Luke and Sarah Jane were trapped on Bannerman Road, leaving Clyde and Rani alone on the school grounds, huddled behind a maintenance shed, unable to move for fear of being seen, and that made it a little worse.
All right. A lot worse.
Rani could hear the scuttling steps of the spiders as they crawled over the outside of the school; she’d seen pictures on the internet of spiders the size of clocks and dinner plates, spiders eating birds and spinning webs around bicycles, but these trumped all of that. They were the size of cars. And they were going to get bigger.
She turned back to Clyde, sitting next to her against the maintenance shed. “Clyde Langer, you’ve been cast in Honey, I Blew Up The Spiders. How do you feel?”
Clyde didn’t look like he felt all that great. He was pale, and his eyes shone in an altogether unpleasant way. It reminded her of someone with a fever, one of the really bad fevers they talked about in historical fiction where the person starts seeing dead relatives and talking about the sea. His hands were shaking, too. He was sitting on them, but she could still see it. And he shuddered, every few seconds. A deep, full-body shudder that he tried to hide. That made her stop for a moment. Made her really look at him.
Clyde was absolutely terrified.
“Clyde--” she started.
“Don’t,” he said. He wasn’t looking at her. He was very, very focused on the door of one of the classrooms across the grass. She thought he might be staring at the door number. “Don’t start.”
“I wasn’t going to--”
“Clyde’s afraid of spiders, it’s a big laugh, haha,” he said, with absolutely no modulation in his voice, no ups or downs or pauses. He spoke as if he couldn’t even hear her. “Have your joke, but please have it quietly, because if they see us I’m going to drop dead.”
Rani frowned at him. This was strange. They’d been in tight situations before, yeah - that thing in the mansion with all of the ghosts hadn’t been the best of experiences, particularly being stuck with Clyde in that cluttered little room on the grounds, but at least then he’d been joking. Punning and everything. Seeing Clyde this way - actually scared enough to take something seriously - was scaring her more than the spiders.
She folded herself out of her crouch and sat down on the asphalt next to Clyde, scooting maybe a little closer than usual, shoulder to shoulder. She bent her head to look at his face.
“There were two muffins in an oven,” she said. “One turns to the other and says, ‘Damn, it’s hot in here!’ And the other one says, ‘Oh my God, a talking muffin!’”
Clyde let out a shaky breath. Rani took it as what passed for a laugh when you’re fit to wet yourself.
“What do you get when you put a sheep on a trampoline?” Clyde asked, his voice only a little higher than usual, his eyes still pinned to the door across the way.
“What?”
“A wooly jumper.”
She laughed. She did it quietly, but she still did it. She thought for a moment. “What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?”
Clyde smiled, his eyes still a little hysterical, but getting better. “A-flat minor.”
Rani smirked. “It’s gonna be like that then, is it?”
Clyde dragged his eyes toward her, and Rani felt a rush of relief at that. The way he’d been staring was creepy, like he was trying to forget everything but what was directly in front of him. The number to that classroom, or the door, or the name next to it, or whatever. It was much better to have him looking at her. His smile widened, only slightly ill-looking. “What’s black and white and black and white and black and white and black and--”
Rani interrupted. “A penguin rolling down a hill. What’s black and white and laughing?”
“The penguin that pushed him.” Clyde paused for a second. “Why did the man driving the train get struck by lightning?”
“He was a good conductor. Why do seagulls live by the sea?”
“If they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels.”
Clyde was starting to get color back in his cheeks. His eyes were normal, too, shining with laughter instead of sick fear, and that was great. Rani could hardly hear the scurry of the giant spiders anymore; she’d almost forgotten about them, actually, trying to distract Clyde. She seemed to be doing a good job. “What do Christmas and a cat in the desert have in common?”
Clyde’s eyebrows lowered. He didn’t know that one. “What?”
“Sandy Claws.”
Clyde laughed. A real laugh. She pulled him closer to her to muffle it, but she could feel the laugh still bubbling in him, a giggle, the kind you get when you absolutely cannot laugh. She could feel one in her chest, too, listening to Clyde’s, and she tried to keep it down.
Clyde said into her shoulder, through his laughter, “How do you make a handkerchief dance?”
“How?” Rani managed, already feeling the laughter rising up in her throat, hysterical and forbidden and ridiculous.
“You put a little boogie in it.”
She lost it. She clutched at Clyde and buried her face in his shoulder, muting the sound of her voice. She didn’t know if spiders had good hearing (or if super spiders had super hearing), but she knew she didn’t want to find out. She could feel Clyde still laughing against her, his back shaking as he tried to find breath through the waves of hilarity that were gripping both of them.
“W-where,” Rani tried, before she had to stop for another tide. “Where does the king keep his armies?”
“Wh-where?”
Rani whispered, “In his sleevies!”
They fell apart, clutching their sides and rolling, unable to contain the built-up fear and mirth and anxiety, shaking with silent laughter. Rani could see Clyde beating the asphalt with his fist, howling noiselessly, and it sent her tumbling into another round of rough giggles.
“What on Earth could you two possibly be on about?”
They both looked up. Sarah Jane stood towering over them with her hands on her hips, Luke right behind her, looking confused and worried. The car was parked half on the grass beyond them, doors hanging open.
Sarah Jane had probably thought they were dying or something.
Rani caught Clyde’s eye, and they started again.
Rani made herself stand and offer a hand out to Clyde, wiping tears out of her eyes. He accepted it and she pulled him up, then brushed the dirt off of him. She looked at Sarah Jane. “Here to save us?” she asked, casual.
Sarah Jane threw her hands up, then turned and started back for the car. “I surround myself with madmen. I’m cursed. Giant spiders attacking the school, stuck behind a rickety tin shed, and my partners get a fit of giggles. Wonderful.” She slid into the car and shut the door.
Rani, Clyde and Luke hurried after her. Luke slid into the front seat, and Rani and Clyde tumbled into the back. As he was pulling his seatbelt across his chest, Clyde looked toward Luke in front of him. “Luke,” he said. “Why couldn’t the little pirate go to see the film?”
Luke turned in his seat as Sarah Jane bounced them across the school yard and toward the road. “I don’t know,” he said, smiling uncertainly. “Why couldn’t he?”
“Because it was rated ARR!” Rani crowed.
Rani and Clyde burst out once again into uncontrollable laughter.
Luke just stared, his head tilted slightly, smiling because they were crazy. Sarah Jane let out a put-upon sigh and pulled out onto the road, then put the pedal down.