Short Message Service Vol. XXIII - Weather
Summary: A recent study concluded that the United Kingdom is the most weather obsessed nation in Europe, so it's no wonder that even Sherlock and not!Anthea can't avoid talking about the weather from time to time (no matter how much they like to think of themselves as different to everyone else).
Notes: The same study stated that Sweden is the third most weather obsessed nation in Europe (Norway beats us!) so I think I might be qualified to write this. As all theme ones this take place in the obscure time span of "from before ASiP to last moments of HLV".
Apart from that, I've been a terrible mother to this installment, having it lying around my HD for months only to send it to zedille for betaing when her finals started. (So I've been bad there too... I'm sorry...) Thank you for all your help! I appreciate even the parts I ignore ;)
-x-
Nice weather today, don’t you
think?
Oh, god! Please don’t be one of
those people who makes small
talk about the weather.
SH
I’m not.
I hope so, because I was just
starting to like you.
SH
Oh, hush! You can’t help loving
me no matter what I talk about.
Yes, I can!
SH
No, I’m adorable.
You spelt “annoying” wrong.
SH
Pft.
The weather is really nice and hot
today, though. Just the type of
weather that makes former army
doctors walk around with almost
nothing on.
I will find the camera, and I
will destroy it.
SH
You say that every time, yet you
never have.
There’s always a first time.
SH
Please wait until after he puts his
clothes back on.
No.
SH
-x-
I’m thinking about creating a
new religion. It’s all about
worshipping the sun, and you
get the day off every time it’s
sunny outside.
Wouldn’t that require you to
change our state religion?
SH
Probably. But personally, I think
that Church of England is very
16th century.
If you involve human sacrifice,
I might actually help you.
SH
Tempting. I’ll think about it.
We can start with the really
stupid ones.
SH
We can start with you.
But then who would distract you from
work?
SH
I wouldn’t be at work. The sun is
shining, so I’d have the day off.
I’m not sure Mycroft would agree
to that.
SH
Well, let’s sacrifice him first, then.
Are you serious or did I just steal your
phone and text myself?
SH
What do you think?
That you’re cruelly playing with my
feelings.
SH
I’m sorry.
I’ll live.
SH
-x-
Random John fact: he’s scared
of thunder.
SH
Oh, poor baby.
It’s rather amusing to see how
twitchy he gets, pretending he’s
not bothered.
SH
Be nice.
I always am.
SH
You never are.
I am sometimes.
SH
Not now though, this is too
much fun.
SH
What if it’s a war thing?
It’s not, I’ve talked to Harry. She
was more than happy to tell me
he’s been scared of thunderstorms
since they were little.
SH
When did you talk to Harriet?
Last thunderstorm. I wondered if his
discomfort was linked to his time in
Afghanistan, so I thought it best
to investigate if this was a new
irrational fear or an old one in case
there was something I could do to
help.
SH
Wow, you actually are considerate
sometimes.
I’m always considerate. It’s just
that I consider things that other
people don’t.
SH
That’s because your priorities are
messed up.
My priorities are just fine, thank you.
SH
I don’t have time to explain to you
how wrong you are.
-x-
I’m feeling cheated out of the
awful British weather the world
thinks we have.
SH
You want to trade the best summer
we've had in a decade for rain?
I’ll settle for our everyday
dull, greyish weather.
SH
You can’t be serious.
It’s too hot!
SH
There is always the option of not
wearing a long black coat in July.
The world’s only consulting
detective can’t run around
London in Speedos.
SH
Yes, because there’s nothing
between “winter coat” and
“swimwear”.
I’m not giving up the coat!
SH
Then you’ll really have to suit
yourself.
I’m melting!
SH
You know what they say, you only
miss the sun when it starts to snow.
Only know you love him when you
let him go.
And you let him go.
Who?
SH
John.
What?
SH
Oh, it’s a song, Sherlock. Look it
up on Youtube.
Youtube, though not without its
uses, should not be used as a
music player since the sound
quality is really poor.
SH
It’s okay, it’s a crap song.
Then why should I even bother?
SH
Because you only know you've been
high when you're feeling low, and
only hate the road when you're
missing home.
And you only know you love him when
you let him go.
And you let him go, Sherlock.
You’ve turned off your mobile,
haven't you?
I’m sorry, I will never quote
bad pop songs again.
Sherlock?
If you wanna be my lover
You gotta get with my friends
Make it last forever
Friendship never ends
Now I’m turning it off.
SH
No! That’s a GOOD pop song!
-x-
God, I’m wet!
Do you want me to send John?
SH
Sherlock Holmes!
It’s your fault.
SH
I know, and I’m so proud!
Mycroft didn’t lend you his
umbrella?
SH
Are you talking about his actual
umbrella now, or…?
Obviously his actual umbrella!
SH
Then I really hope you’ve moved
away from innuendoes.
What?
SH
GOD!
YES!
Don’t explain!
SH
I wasn’t going to. God, that would
be painful!
Why did you have to go there?
SH
I didn’t! You did!
I didn’t think about that until
you said it!
SH
Should we just drop this?
Yes.
SH
It’s raining a lot.
Indeed.
SH
That’s good for the… crops?
So I’ve heard. Hopefully Sunday
will be better.
SH
I’m sorry, this isn’t working for me.
Me neither.
SH
Should we play Scrabble instead?
Yes, please.
SH
-x-
Why is it that I’m supposed to
fix everything when the weather
is terrible, but I get no credit
when it’s sunny and lovely?
Because our infrastructure
doesn’t break down when it’s
all sunny and lovely?
SH
Exactly!
What?
SH
It works! And no one ever says
thank you! All I ever get is “the
water isn’t draining fast enough”,
“the basements are flooded”,
“the wind causes chaos in the traffic
on the road when trees fall over
the bloody road”, “the water made
the river we rerouted 500.000 years ago
overflow” and it’s YOUR FAULT!
Thank you for the world working
as poorly as we expect it to, with
just the usual amount of disaster
when the weather is nice.
SH
Oh, shut up!
-x-
Today’s weather forecast: mild
and rather cloudy, with some
drizzle over central London, while a
considerable drop in temperature
has been reported in Hell as it
freezes over in response to consulting
detective Mr Sherlock Holmes actually
uttering the words “thank you” to
his brother.
You’re hilarious.
SH
I’ve also been asked to inquire
if you’re high.
I apologise, I will never be polite
ever again.
SH
Or, you know, be it more often so
it won’t make us fall off our chairs.
Go away.
SH
-x-
Make it stop raining!
SH
You’re confusing me with one
of the many weather gods I
cannot name.
I’m SO BORED!
SH
That’s not really dependent on the
weather. You’re always bored.
No one commits crimes in bad
weather.
SH
Not quite true, but sure.
I’ve been locked up in here forever!
SH
It’s only been raining for three days.
Are you sure that it’s not forever?
SH
Quite.
And you can go out in the rain.
You’re not made of sugar.
I might be.
SH
Trust me, you’re not.
I still don’t want to get wet.
SH
Do you want me to send over
your brother with his umbrella
so he can take you for a walk?
I’m not a dog.
SH
I know. Dogs can be trained.
I HATE RAIN!
SH
The rain hates you too.
Just make it stop!
SH
-x-
Chapped hands are the worst
thing about winter. By far!
That. Or, you know, the cold.
SH
Woolly knitted jumpers and
mugs of steaming tea.
What does John have to do
with this?
SH
That wasn’t at all what I was
saying, but your mind just
automatically goes there,
doesn’t it?
No, you’re the one with the
unhealthy obsession with
doctors in uniform.
SH
I wouldn’t call it “unhealthy”,
but I admit to the obsession.
Now it’s your turn.
I can’t admit to an obsession
I don’t have.
SH
Fine, keep living in denial.
Weren’t you going to complain
about something?
SH
Yes, but Dr John H Watson, formerly
of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers,
is always more relevant.
As I said, unhealthy obsession.
SH
Your adjective is wrong.
I don’t think it is.
SH
Let’s agree to disagree.
Isn’t that the basis of our
entire relationship?
SH
Yes. That, and my wit.
Right.
SH
Anyway, chapped hands! My
hand cream gets my poor phone
all sticky and fingerprinty!
”Fingerprinty” isn’t a word. I’m
telling Mycroft you’re trying to
modernise the language of
Shakespeare.
SH
Are you trying to get me fired?
It’s for your own good.
SH
And you did use a terrible word.
SH
And just don’t use lotion if it
bothers you.
SH
Cream. Not lotion.
My point still stands. Just don’t
use it if it bothers you.
SH
I thought you and your perfect
musician's hands would understand.
You mean my string-callused
hands with, currently, three
crushed nails?
SH
Exactly those.
What did you do to your nails?
Molly closed a body freezer
on them.
SH
Good girl!
You’re really not getting any
sympathy now.
SH
But I’ve got sticky fingerprints
on my phone! And it’s all
this stupid winter’s fault!
Woolly jumpers and tea.
SH
Thank you.
-x-
I made it snow, just for you.
I thought you said controlling the
weather wasn’t something you
could do.
SH
I took a crash course. From now
on, please refer to me as Snær.
That will be difficult, since I don’t
know how to pronounce
what I assume is the vowel.
SH
I’ll teach you later, heathen.
Lovely, now make it stop.
SH
The snow?
Yes.
SH
But you like the snow!
Not on crime scenes!
SH
It’s eloquent! Like icy dust!
It’s cold and wet and ruins
evidence!
SH
It gives you a reason to wear
your coat, though.
I don’t need a reason to
wear my coat.
SH
Oh, that much I know. The snow
makes you look less crazy, though.
I wear an ear hat in public.
SH
Do you mean your deerstalker, dear?
”Dear”?
SH
The deerstalker doesn’t make you
look less crazy.
I mean, I don’t care if I look
stupid.
SH
Clearly, Mr Wool-Coat-in-July.
Make the snow stop, Ms Snr.
SH
I haven’t got that far yet. We
cover that next semester.
Figures.
SH
-x-
Oh my god, you didn’t!
I did.
SH
I thought you were all talk!
I’ve told you, making an exploding
umbrella takes time.
SH
I also remember you said you’d use
one to assassinate him…
Too much work. I have the keys
to his flat.
SH
He puts too much trust in you.
I agree.
SH
Well?
SH
Well what?
What happened? What did
he say? When did it explode?
SH
Is there CCTV footage?
SH
Can I have it?
SH
Does he know it was me yet?
SH
You’re giggling like a little kid
now, aren’t you?
You’re not?
SH
We’re in lockdown, pending the outcome of
the investigation into a potential terrorist
threat.
It’s a lockdown, not a crime scene.
SH
I don’t follow.
It’s all right to giggle during lockdowns.
SH
I’m going to give it another ten minutes
before I tell him it was you and not
the IRA.
If he hasn’t figured that out in ten
minutes, you should take him to
hospital.
SH
Good point.
He’s not hurt, is he?
SH
Aw, the assassin is worried about
his target.
It was never my intention to kill him.
SH
How much would you pay for a photo
of him right after it went off?
I’ll give you John and Mary’s
firstborn child.
SH
Charming.
I’m sure you’ve said you’re
one of those irrational people
who finds children cute.
SH
I am one of those people, but I
don't want you to kidnap your
child for me.
I said “John and Mary’s”, not
mine.
SH
You’re so sweet when you think
you won’t become a parent.
What do you want for the
photo?
SH
A glow-in-the-dark kitten!
Are you planning a science fiction
petting zoo?
SH
Maybe.
I think you can make good
money off that.
SH
Now, this is only because I
love you.
[image sent]
And he said “shit”.
Quite loudly.
I’ll make you a glow-in-
the-dark elephant.
SH
Your immortal soul will do.
And a written confession. This
will eat all my time for a week
otherwise.
The confession will be in his
inbox within three minutes.
SH
And your immortal soul?
How about some pictures of
John in uniform?
SH
YES!!
I mean, that’s a reasonable
trade. I accept.
I thought so.
SH
Now THAT will eat all my time
for the next week.
…right. I’m going to pretend
I don’t understand what you
mean.
SH
Oh, just send me the pictures!
You’ll have them in about three
minutes as well.
SH
Thank you.
Now, tell me what CCTV I have to
hack for live footage of the explosion.
SH
You won’t tell your brother?
Of course not.
SH
It’s already on its way.
Notes: The same study stated that Sweden is the third most weather obsessed nation in Europe (Norway beats us!) so I think I might be qualified to write this. As all theme ones this take place in the obscure time span of "from before ASiP to last moments of HLV".
Apart from that, I've been a terrible mother to this installment, having it lying around my HD for months only to send it to zedille for betaing when her finals started. (So I've been bad there too... I'm sorry...) Thank you for all your help! I appreciate even the parts I ignore ;)
-x-
Nice weather today, don’t you
think?
Oh, god! Please don’t be one of
those people who makes small
talk about the weather.
SH
I’m not.
I hope so, because I was just
starting to like you.
SH
Oh, hush! You can’t help loving
me no matter what I talk about.
Yes, I can!
SH
No, I’m adorable.
You spelt “annoying” wrong.
SH
Pft.
The weather is really nice and hot
today, though. Just the type of
weather that makes former army
doctors walk around with almost
nothing on.
I will find the camera, and I
will destroy it.
SH
You say that every time, yet you
never have.
There’s always a first time.
SH
Please wait until after he puts his
clothes back on.
No.
SH
-x-
I’m thinking about creating a
new religion. It’s all about
worshipping the sun, and you
get the day off every time it’s
sunny outside.
Wouldn’t that require you to
change our state religion?
SH
Probably. But personally, I think
that Church of England is very
16th century.
If you involve human sacrifice,
I might actually help you.
SH
Tempting. I’ll think about it.
We can start with the really
stupid ones.
SH
We can start with you.
But then who would distract you from
work?
SH
I wouldn’t be at work. The sun is
shining, so I’d have the day off.
I’m not sure Mycroft would agree
to that.
SH
Well, let’s sacrifice him first, then.
Are you serious or did I just steal your
phone and text myself?
SH
What do you think?
That you’re cruelly playing with my
feelings.
SH
I’m sorry.
I’ll live.
SH
-x-
Random John fact: he’s scared
of thunder.
SH
Oh, poor baby.
It’s rather amusing to see how
twitchy he gets, pretending he’s
not bothered.
SH
Be nice.
I always am.
SH
You never are.
I am sometimes.
SH
Not now though, this is too
much fun.
SH
What if it’s a war thing?
It’s not, I’ve talked to Harry. She
was more than happy to tell me
he’s been scared of thunderstorms
since they were little.
SH
When did you talk to Harriet?
Last thunderstorm. I wondered if his
discomfort was linked to his time in
Afghanistan, so I thought it best
to investigate if this was a new
irrational fear or an old one in case
there was something I could do to
help.
SH
Wow, you actually are considerate
sometimes.
I’m always considerate. It’s just
that I consider things that other
people don’t.
SH
That’s because your priorities are
messed up.
My priorities are just fine, thank you.
SH
I don’t have time to explain to you
how wrong you are.
-x-
I’m feeling cheated out of the
awful British weather the world
thinks we have.
SH
You want to trade the best summer
we've had in a decade for rain?
I’ll settle for our everyday
dull, greyish weather.
SH
You can’t be serious.
It’s too hot!
SH
There is always the option of not
wearing a long black coat in July.
The world’s only consulting
detective can’t run around
London in Speedos.
SH
Yes, because there’s nothing
between “winter coat” and
“swimwear”.
I’m not giving up the coat!
SH
Then you’ll really have to suit
yourself.
I’m melting!
SH
You know what they say, you only
miss the sun when it starts to snow.
Only know you love him when you
let him go.
And you let him go.
Who?
SH
John.
What?
SH
Oh, it’s a song, Sherlock. Look it
up on Youtube.
Youtube, though not without its
uses, should not be used as a
music player since the sound
quality is really poor.
SH
It’s okay, it’s a crap song.
Then why should I even bother?
SH
Because you only know you've been
high when you're feeling low, and
only hate the road when you're
missing home.
And you only know you love him when
you let him go.
And you let him go, Sherlock.
You’ve turned off your mobile,
haven't you?
I’m sorry, I will never quote
bad pop songs again.
Sherlock?
If you wanna be my lover
You gotta get with my friends
Make it last forever
Friendship never ends
Now I’m turning it off.
SH
No! That’s a GOOD pop song!
-x-
God, I’m wet!
Do you want me to send John?
SH
Sherlock Holmes!
It’s your fault.
SH
I know, and I’m so proud!
Mycroft didn’t lend you his
umbrella?
SH
Are you talking about his actual
umbrella now, or…?
Obviously his actual umbrella!
SH
Then I really hope you’ve moved
away from innuendoes.
What?
SH
GOD!
YES!
Don’t explain!
SH
I wasn’t going to. God, that would
be painful!
Why did you have to go there?
SH
I didn’t! You did!
I didn’t think about that until
you said it!
SH
Should we just drop this?
Yes.
SH
It’s raining a lot.
Indeed.
SH
That’s good for the… crops?
So I’ve heard. Hopefully Sunday
will be better.
SH
I’m sorry, this isn’t working for me.
Me neither.
SH
Should we play Scrabble instead?
Yes, please.
SH
-x-
Why is it that I’m supposed to
fix everything when the weather
is terrible, but I get no credit
when it’s sunny and lovely?
Because our infrastructure
doesn’t break down when it’s
all sunny and lovely?
SH
Exactly!
What?
SH
It works! And no one ever says
thank you! All I ever get is “the
water isn’t draining fast enough”,
“the basements are flooded”,
“the wind causes chaos in the traffic
on the road when trees fall over
the bloody road”, “the water made
the river we rerouted 500.000 years ago
overflow” and it’s YOUR FAULT!
Thank you for the world working
as poorly as we expect it to, with
just the usual amount of disaster
when the weather is nice.
SH
Oh, shut up!
-x-
Today’s weather forecast: mild
and rather cloudy, with some
drizzle over central London, while a
considerable drop in temperature
has been reported in Hell as it
freezes over in response to consulting
detective Mr Sherlock Holmes actually
uttering the words “thank you” to
his brother.
You’re hilarious.
SH
I’ve also been asked to inquire
if you’re high.
I apologise, I will never be polite
ever again.
SH
Or, you know, be it more often so
it won’t make us fall off our chairs.
Go away.
SH
-x-
Make it stop raining!
SH
You’re confusing me with one
of the many weather gods I
cannot name.
I’m SO BORED!
SH
That’s not really dependent on the
weather. You’re always bored.
No one commits crimes in bad
weather.
SH
Not quite true, but sure.
I’ve been locked up in here forever!
SH
It’s only been raining for three days.
Are you sure that it’s not forever?
SH
Quite.
And you can go out in the rain.
You’re not made of sugar.
I might be.
SH
Trust me, you’re not.
I still don’t want to get wet.
SH
Do you want me to send over
your brother with his umbrella
so he can take you for a walk?
I’m not a dog.
SH
I know. Dogs can be trained.
I HATE RAIN!
SH
The rain hates you too.
Just make it stop!
SH
-x-
Chapped hands are the worst
thing about winter. By far!
That. Or, you know, the cold.
SH
Woolly knitted jumpers and
mugs of steaming tea.
What does John have to do
with this?
SH
That wasn’t at all what I was
saying, but your mind just
automatically goes there,
doesn’t it?
No, you’re the one with the
unhealthy obsession with
doctors in uniform.
SH
I wouldn’t call it “unhealthy”,
but I admit to the obsession.
Now it’s your turn.
I can’t admit to an obsession
I don’t have.
SH
Fine, keep living in denial.
Weren’t you going to complain
about something?
SH
Yes, but Dr John H Watson, formerly
of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers,
is always more relevant.
As I said, unhealthy obsession.
SH
Your adjective is wrong.
I don’t think it is.
SH
Let’s agree to disagree.
Isn’t that the basis of our
entire relationship?
SH
Yes. That, and my wit.
Right.
SH
Anyway, chapped hands! My
hand cream gets my poor phone
all sticky and fingerprinty!
”Fingerprinty” isn’t a word. I’m
telling Mycroft you’re trying to
modernise the language of
Shakespeare.
SH
Are you trying to get me fired?
It’s for your own good.
SH
And you did use a terrible word.
SH
And just don’t use lotion if it
bothers you.
SH
Cream. Not lotion.
My point still stands. Just don’t
use it if it bothers you.
SH
I thought you and your perfect
musician's hands would understand.
You mean my string-callused
hands with, currently, three
crushed nails?
SH
Exactly those.
What did you do to your nails?
Molly closed a body freezer
on them.
SH
Good girl!
You’re really not getting any
sympathy now.
SH
But I’ve got sticky fingerprints
on my phone! And it’s all
this stupid winter’s fault!
Woolly jumpers and tea.
SH
Thank you.
-x-
I made it snow, just for you.
I thought you said controlling the
weather wasn’t something you
could do.
SH
I took a crash course. From now
on, please refer to me as Snær.
That will be difficult, since I don’t
know how to pronounce
what I assume is the vowel.
SH
I’ll teach you later, heathen.
Lovely, now make it stop.
SH
The snow?
Yes.
SH
But you like the snow!
Not on crime scenes!
SH
It’s eloquent! Like icy dust!
It’s cold and wet and ruins
evidence!
SH
It gives you a reason to wear
your coat, though.
I don’t need a reason to
wear my coat.
SH
Oh, that much I know. The snow
makes you look less crazy, though.
I wear an ear hat in public.
SH
Do you mean your deerstalker, dear?
”Dear”?
SH
The deerstalker doesn’t make you
look less crazy.
I mean, I don’t care if I look
stupid.
SH
Clearly, Mr Wool-Coat-in-July.
Make the snow stop, Ms Snr.
SH
I haven’t got that far yet. We
cover that next semester.
Figures.
SH
-x-
Oh my god, you didn’t!
I did.
SH
I thought you were all talk!
I’ve told you, making an exploding
umbrella takes time.
SH
I also remember you said you’d use
one to assassinate him…
Too much work. I have the keys
to his flat.
SH
He puts too much trust in you.
I agree.
SH
Well?
SH
Well what?
What happened? What did
he say? When did it explode?
SH
Is there CCTV footage?
SH
Can I have it?
SH
Does he know it was me yet?
SH
You’re giggling like a little kid
now, aren’t you?
You’re not?
SH
We’re in lockdown, pending the outcome of
the investigation into a potential terrorist
threat.
It’s a lockdown, not a crime scene.
SH
I don’t follow.
It’s all right to giggle during lockdowns.
SH
I’m going to give it another ten minutes
before I tell him it was you and not
the IRA.
If he hasn’t figured that out in ten
minutes, you should take him to
hospital.
SH
Good point.
He’s not hurt, is he?
SH
Aw, the assassin is worried about
his target.
It was never my intention to kill him.
SH
How much would you pay for a photo
of him right after it went off?
I’ll give you John and Mary’s
firstborn child.
SH
Charming.
I’m sure you’ve said you’re
one of those irrational people
who finds children cute.
SH
I am one of those people, but I
don't want you to kidnap your
child for me.
I said “John and Mary’s”, not
mine.
SH
You’re so sweet when you think
you won’t become a parent.
What do you want for the
photo?
SH
A glow-in-the-dark kitten!
Are you planning a science fiction
petting zoo?
SH
Maybe.
I think you can make good
money off that.
SH
Now, this is only because I
love you.
[image sent]
And he said “shit”.
Quite loudly.
I’ll make you a glow-in-
the-dark elephant.
SH
Your immortal soul will do.
And a written confession. This
will eat all my time for a week
otherwise.
The confession will be in his
inbox within three minutes.
SH
And your immortal soul?
How about some pictures of
John in uniform?
SH
YES!!
I mean, that’s a reasonable
trade. I accept.
I thought so.
SH
Now THAT will eat all my time
for the next week.
…right. I’m going to pretend
I don’t understand what you
mean.
SH
Oh, just send me the pictures!
You’ll have them in about three
minutes as well.
SH
Thank you.
Now, tell me what CCTV I have to
hack for live footage of the explosion.
SH
You won’t tell your brother?
Of course not.
SH
It’s already on its way.