Short Message Service: Prologue
Summary: The prologue to Short Message Service, or the story of why Mycroft regrets getting a mobile phone.
Notes: Just for the record, zedille got the first version of this in the beginning of August and it has been a long - but not painful, this time - birth of this instalment. She’s a treasure and invaluable to this project, so it’s worth the wait.
Finally I want to apologise to Prince Charles and Prince Carl Philip.
-x-
Welcome 2 the 21st
century brother dear.
What does “only for
emergencies” mean,
Sherlock?
MH
I dont know if im
more impressed that
u can text or that
uve managed this
long without a proper
phone.
I must say I find
it more impressive
that you haven’t
lost or blown up any
of yours.
MH
Not 4 lack of trying.
i did put the 3210
in the microwave.
Please don’t remind
me.
MH
And do tell me, is
there a law against
using proper English
in text messages?
MH
Ud know that
better than i.
This conversation
is making me wish
there were one.
Seriously, Sherlock,
Mummy would weep
if she saw how you’re
writing.
MH
Theres a limit of 160
characters.
You’re nowhere close
to 160 characters. Your
argument makes no
sense.
MH
It does 2.
I seem to manage fine
with both limits and
grammar.
MH
But it takes u 30 min
2 write 1 text.
That’s a price I’m willing
to pay for the sake of the
English language.
MH
It makes u seem old.
It makes me seem
professional. You
should try it sometime.
MH
-x-
I need a new polarised
light microscope.
SH
That’s impossible. You
don't have an old one.
MH
I need a polarised
light microscope.
SH
I might get you one
just because you finally
started using proper
English.
MH
Shut up.
SH
Suddenly, I don’t feel
quite as generous.
MH
I want the microscope!
SH
-x-
What are you doing?
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
I’m bored.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
I’m going to keep texting
you until you answer me.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
The Prince of Wales says
hello.
MH
Don’t even try. I know
you’re in Manchester.
SH
So is he.
MH
Why on earth would
he be in Manchester?
SH
Perhaps he likes Queer
as Folk?
MH
No, that’s why you go
to Manchester.
SH
His Royal Highness and I
can have similar interests.
MH
You do know text messages
aren't encrypted, right?
SH
Mycroft, I’d get rich if I
showed these messages
to the tabloids.
SH
I won’t, but seriously,
shut up.
SH
Mycroft?
SH
Sherlock, be quiet. I’m
busy.
MH
-x-
What have you done to
the traffic? It’s impossible
to get around!
SH
I’m sorry. It’s an unforeseen
side effect of the war in Iraq.
MH
Does the flap of a
butterfly's wings in
Brazil set off a tornado
in Texas?
SH
Something like that, yes.
MH
You’re being ridiculous.
SH
Yes, Sherlock. I’m clearly
the one being ridiculous.
MH
-x-
I envy people.
SH
Imagine being able to find
fulfilment in something
as mundane as driving a
bus.
SH
I wonder what it would
be like to watch a sunset
and find it beautiful.
SH
Or a sunrise.
SH
Why so philosophical
all of a sudden?
MH
Or just anything.
SH
How do people stand
children and their
screaming, Mycroft?
SH
I can understand the
first child. It’s biology,
after all.
SH
No, I can’t understand
that either.
SH
Do you ever wonder
why our parents had
me after suffering
through nine months of
you having colic?
SH
Why didn’t your inability
to play with others scare
them from mixing their
genes any further?
SH
Are you all right?
MH
They did wait seven years,
so maybe they forgot?
SH
Did they even want
another child, Mycroft?
SH
I’m sure you wanted a
kitten instead.
SH
Sorry. You just got me.
SH
Maybe I could drive a bus.
SH
Or fly a plane.
SH
I want to see the midnight
sun.
SH
No, I don’t. It’s just the sun.
SH
I’ve seen the sun. It’s
boring.
SH
Mycroft, why can’t I
find it interesting?
SH
Open the door, I’m
downstairs.
MH
-x-
The church down the
street has just installed
a surveillance camera.
SH
That’s the fourth camera
in the last two weeks.
SH
It was a bit obvious when
the philanthropy club
installed one.
SH
Now it’s just
embarrassing.
SH
How can you ignore
me and keep me under
surveillance at the
same time?
SH
It’s one of my many
skills, Sherlock.
MH
Shut up!
SH
You do know that you're
the one initiating all our
conversations here,
don’t you?
MH
I hate you.
SH
-x-
You’re too good
for him, anyway.
SH
-x-
Fuck off.
SH
Eloquent as always.
MH
Fuck. Off.
SH
What do you want,
Sherlock?
MH
Leave me alone.
SH
Start acting like a
responsible human
being, and I’ll be
glad to.
MH
I’m not a child.
SH
You could have
fooled me.
MH
You’re an idiot.
SH
We both know that’s
not true.
MH
Fuck off.
SH
May I offer you some
soap and water for
that mouth of yours?
MH
-x-
I’m not going.
SH
Where are you not going?
MH
Christmas. I’m not
going home for
Christmas.
SH
Like you didn’t last year?
MH
Or the year before that?
MH
I’m busy. I have a case.
SH
If you haven’t figured
out that it was the
footballer’s wife by
Christmas, I’ll schedule
you for an MRI when
we return to London.
MH
Heartwarming.
SH
Do you want me to
pick you up on the 23rd?
MH
No.
SH
How’s 16:30? Then
we'll have time for a
drink with Daddy
before dinner.
MH
How about never?
SH
Let’s say 17:15.
MH
I’m not going, Mycroft.
SH
See you Wednesday.
MH
I hate you.
SH
-x-
Are you dead?
SH
Yes.
MH
Oh, ha ha.
SH
Stupid questions get
stupid answers.
MH
There are no stupid
questions, just stupid
people.
SH
Texting people to
ask if they’re dead
isn’t the most brilliant
way of finding out if
they’re still alive.
MH
It worked this time. Why
haven’t you answered
my texts all day?
SH
I turned my phone off. I
was with the Chancellor.
MH
Naughty.
SH
Sherlock, grow up. We
had a budget meeting.
MH
Pity. From what I
understand, he’s quite
handsome.
SH
Did you want something,
Sherlock?
MH
Yes. How much wood
could a woodchuck
chuck if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?
SH
I’m turning off my
phone again now.
MH
You’re so dull.
SH
-x-
Why are people
so stupid?
SH
Oh, I don’t know. Why
is the sky blue?
MH
Why would anyone
care about knowing
something like that?
SH
Why would anyone
deliberately and
repeatedly put
himself in mortal
danger?
MH
Perhaps he’s really,
really bored.
SH
Or perhaps you’re
an idiot, Sherlock.
MH
And the sky is blue due
to Rayleigh scattering.
MH
Stop trying to fill my
head with unnecessary
knowledge!
SH
-x-
Help
What did you do?
I’m sorry.
What did you take?
Where are you?
I don’t know.
Stay where you are,
I’ll find you.
-x-
I want a new phone.
SH
Buy a new one, then.
MH
I don’t have any money.
SH
Find a more suitable
occupation. There’s
an opening in my
department.
MH
There are no words in
the English language to
express how uninterested
I am.
SH
I want a new phone.
SH
Luckily for me, there
are words in the
English language to
express how interested
I am in giving you a new
phone. Those words are
“absolutely not.”
MH
You hate me.
SH
Only because I love you.
MH
-x-
What’s the catch?
SH
What are you talking
about this time?
MH
You know what I mean.
SH
No, I can’t keep up
with all your paranoid
ideas about how I’m
meddling in your life.
MH
The phone. Why did
you give me a new
phone?
SH
You said you wanted one.
MH
There has to be a catch.
SH
You got me there. The
phone is part of a
super-secret alien
cover-up.
MH
Have you been watching
The X-Files again?
SH
It’s just a phone,
Sherlock. I thought
you'd like it. It’s a
huge improvement
over your old one.
MH
It’s not even bugged.
MH
I’m not taking your
word on that.
SH
I didn’t expect you to.
MH
-x-
Happy birthday.
SH
Do you feel old?
SH
No. And thank you
for the umbrella.
MH
I’m sorry about what
happened with the
last one.
SH
No, you’re not.
You’re right. I’m not.
SH
-x-
Starting a new war,
brother dear?
SH
Not that I’m aware of.
MH
Then why can’t I get
a cab?
SH
Just take the Tube,
Sherlock. It won’t kill
you.
MH
It might, and then you'll
be sorry.
SH
Don’t die just to spite me.
MH
-x-
Stop it.
SH
Fine.
MH
Not that!
SH
All right. How’s this?
MH
You’re so not funny.
SH
But I’m having fun.
MH
Turn the power and the
Internet back on!
SH
I don’t want to.
MH
Grow up!
SH
You first.
MH
You’re older than
I am.
SH
Yes.
MH
Therefore you should
grow up first and turn
my power back on.
SH
Fine.
MH
Thank you.
SH
What was it you
really wanted me
to stop doing?
MH
You made me forget.
SH
I’m sure it’ll come back
to you.
MH
-x-
Kidnapping DI Lestrade
and offering him money
to spy on me was low,
even for you.
SH
Oh, so he told you about
that already?
MH
You thought he wouldn’t?
SH
I was sure he would.
I just didn’t think he’d
do it tonight.
MH
Seriously, Mycroft, do
you need to meddle
in everything?
SH
No. The Eurovision Song
Contest doesn’t interest
me that much. Sweden
always cheats, anyway.
MH
Stay out of my life!
SH
What did you tell the
Detective Inspector?
MH
That you were an escaped
mental patient.
SH
And he was satisfied
with that explanation?
MH
No. He insisted I was
in mortal danger and
wanted to put me
in protective custody.
SH
How precious of him.
MH
He didn’t stop until
I told him you were
my brother.
SH
How did he take that?
MH
He said that he should
have known. I took that
as an insult.
SH
Of course you did.
MH
Stay away from him.
SH
I’m not taking the
Detective Inspector
from you, Sherlock.
MH
You’re just placing him
on a high shelf so I can’t
reach him, like you did
with my scalpels.
SH
You were five. You
weren't supposed to have
scalpels. And you climbed
up and took them down
two days after I put them
there.
MH
If you ruin this for me,
I’ll never forgive you.
SH
Don’t worry, Sherlock.
I wouldn’t dream of it.
MH
-x-
Are you all right?
MH
I thought you said it
was stupid to ask
things like that over
text messages.
SH
Where are you?
MH
Russell Square.
SH
Come to my office.
MH
Are you insane? A
bomb just went off.
SH
Three bombs just went
off.
MH
What’s going on?
SH
I don’t know, but I need
to know you’re safe
before I can find out.
MH
I’ll be at your office
in half an hour.
SH
I’ll make sure they
let you in.
MH
-x-
Tell her thanks, but
no thanks.
SH
You’re not saying no
to an invitation from
the Queen, Sherlock.
MH
Then tell her I have a
cold.
SH
You’re not turning down
a royal decoration.
MH
I sat in your office for
sixteen hours straight.
There’s no honour in that.
SH
Your Queen and Country
are grateful you did.
MH
How did you even
convince them to give
me this?
SH
I’ll tell you if you come
and accept it.
MH
I’m not that interested.
SH
Just come and accept
the honour. It won’t
kill you.
MH
Why can’t you say
thank you like a
normal person?
SH
Thank you.
MH
You’re welcome.
SH
But I’m still not going to
Buckingham Palace.
SH
-x-
Did you find anything
interesting in Dublin?
SH
I might have.
MH
Did you bring me
anything?
SH
It wasn’t a vacation,
Sherlock.
MH
-x-
Lestrade’s wife is cheating
on him.
SH
Keep that to yourself.
MH
But he’s so oblivious.
SH
There are things
people know but
choose not to see.
MH
That’s stupid.
SH
It’s human.
MH
He has the right to know.
SH
Do you remember what
happen the last time
you didn’t keep this kind
of observation to yourself?
MH
That wasn’t my fault.
SH
Of course it wasn’t, you
were seven. But it didn’t
make anything better,
either.
MH
You really think I shouldn't
tell him?
SH
The fact that you asked
me first instead of just
telling him makes me
think you agree.
MH
You’re an idiot.
SH
That doesn’t mean I’m
not right.
MH
-x-
I’m not suicidal.
SH
So that was just, what,
a miscalculation?
MH
It was an unfortunate
incident. You don’t have
to make Lestrade babysit
me.
SH
That’s completely his doing,
though I must say that he
has my full support.
MH
Of course he does.
SH
Sherlock, please.
MH
I’m not suicidal.
SH
But are you clean?
MH
Is there an answer you'll
believe?
SH
No.
MH
It really was an accident.
SH
That I do believe.
MH
-x-
There’s a homeless shelter
on Roman Road that needs
money.
SH
Sadly, most shelters do.
MH
Then do something about it.
SH
From where do you suggest
we take the funds? Education?
Healthcare?
MH
I’m not talking about all
shelters. I’m just talking
about this one.
SH
Mycroft, please.
SH
It’s not within my power.
I’m sorry.
MH
I said please.
SH
Believe it or not, but the
state budget does not
depend on your diction.
MH
This is important to
me, Mycroft.
SH
Yes, I see that, but why?
MH
I spent three months
there in 1998.
SH
I’ll make a personal
donation.
MH
Thank you.
SH
-x-
Barts needs a new
atomic absorption
spectrometer.
SH
What did you do to
the one they had?
MH
I didn’t do anything. It’s
just old.
SH
I’m in a meeting, Sherlock.
Can we do this later?
MH
Then why haven’t you
turned your phone off?
SH
I’m waiting for a call.
MH
Interesting. Who besides
me has this number?
SH
I’m warning you. I won’t
stop texting you until you
tell me.
SH
Or until you promise me
a new atomic absorption
spectrometer.
SH
It’s not Freddie again, is it?
SH
Mycroft, you can do better
than him.
SH
And it’s true, because you
know I’d rather die than
compliment you.
SH
I heard James Dew has a
new lover. You do know he’s
bald, right?
SH
Or is it a woman?
SH
No, I suppose you would
have told Mummy at
Christmas if it was.
SH
I really think you should
tell her that little Mr Perfect
isn’t going to give her any
grandchildren.
SH
Please give me an atomic
absorption spectrometer!
SH
Mycroft!
SH
-x-
Ms Somers, please make
my brother stop texting me.
MH
How am I supposed to do
that, sir?
I don’t care. Just do it.
MH
Sir, you don’t pay me
enough to babysit.
If you can get Sherlock
to stop texting me, I’ll
get you Prince Carl
Philip’s phone number.
MH
Consider it done.
-x-
Mr Holmes, stop
texting your brother.
He is in a meeting.
The obnoxious bastard can
turn off his phone.
SH
He is waiting for a call.
Who are you?
SH
I’m sure you’ll figure
it out.
…
Notes: Just for the record, zedille got the first version of this in the beginning of August and it has been a long - but not painful, this time - birth of this instalment. She’s a treasure and invaluable to this project, so it’s worth the wait.
Finally I want to apologise to Prince Charles and Prince Carl Philip.
-x-
Welcome 2 the 21st
century brother dear.
What does “only for
emergencies” mean,
Sherlock?
MH
I dont know if im
more impressed that
u can text or that
uve managed this
long without a proper
phone.
I must say I find
it more impressive
that you haven’t
lost or blown up any
of yours.
MH
Not 4 lack of trying.
i did put the 3210
in the microwave.
Please don’t remind
me.
MH
And do tell me, is
there a law against
using proper English
in text messages?
MH
Ud know that
better than i.
This conversation
is making me wish
there were one.
Seriously, Sherlock,
Mummy would weep
if she saw how you’re
writing.
MH
Theres a limit of 160
characters.
You’re nowhere close
to 160 characters. Your
argument makes no
sense.
MH
It does 2.
I seem to manage fine
with both limits and
grammar.
MH
But it takes u 30 min
2 write 1 text.
That’s a price I’m willing
to pay for the sake of the
English language.
MH
It makes u seem old.
It makes me seem
professional. You
should try it sometime.
MH
-x-
I need a new polarised
light microscope.
SH
That’s impossible. You
don't have an old one.
MH
I need a polarised
light microscope.
SH
I might get you one
just because you finally
started using proper
English.
MH
Shut up.
SH
Suddenly, I don’t feel
quite as generous.
MH
I want the microscope!
SH
-x-
What are you doing?
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
I’m bored.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
I’m going to keep texting
you until you answer me.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
Mycroft.
SH
The Prince of Wales says
hello.
MH
Don’t even try. I know
you’re in Manchester.
SH
So is he.
MH
Why on earth would
he be in Manchester?
SH
Perhaps he likes Queer
as Folk?
MH
No, that’s why you go
to Manchester.
SH
His Royal Highness and I
can have similar interests.
MH
You do know text messages
aren't encrypted, right?
SH
Mycroft, I’d get rich if I
showed these messages
to the tabloids.
SH
I won’t, but seriously,
shut up.
SH
Mycroft?
SH
Sherlock, be quiet. I’m
busy.
MH
-x-
What have you done to
the traffic? It’s impossible
to get around!
SH
I’m sorry. It’s an unforeseen
side effect of the war in Iraq.
MH
Does the flap of a
butterfly's wings in
Brazil set off a tornado
in Texas?
SH
Something like that, yes.
MH
You’re being ridiculous.
SH
Yes, Sherlock. I’m clearly
the one being ridiculous.
MH
-x-
I envy people.
SH
Imagine being able to find
fulfilment in something
as mundane as driving a
bus.
SH
I wonder what it would
be like to watch a sunset
and find it beautiful.
SH
Or a sunrise.
SH
Why so philosophical
all of a sudden?
MH
Or just anything.
SH
How do people stand
children and their
screaming, Mycroft?
SH
I can understand the
first child. It’s biology,
after all.
SH
No, I can’t understand
that either.
SH
Do you ever wonder
why our parents had
me after suffering
through nine months of
you having colic?
SH
Why didn’t your inability
to play with others scare
them from mixing their
genes any further?
SH
Are you all right?
MH
They did wait seven years,
so maybe they forgot?
SH
Did they even want
another child, Mycroft?
SH
I’m sure you wanted a
kitten instead.
SH
Sorry. You just got me.
SH
Maybe I could drive a bus.
SH
Or fly a plane.
SH
I want to see the midnight
sun.
SH
No, I don’t. It’s just the sun.
SH
I’ve seen the sun. It’s
boring.
SH
Mycroft, why can’t I
find it interesting?
SH
Open the door, I’m
downstairs.
MH
-x-
The church down the
street has just installed
a surveillance camera.
SH
That’s the fourth camera
in the last two weeks.
SH
It was a bit obvious when
the philanthropy club
installed one.
SH
Now it’s just
embarrassing.
SH
How can you ignore
me and keep me under
surveillance at the
same time?
SH
It’s one of my many
skills, Sherlock.
MH
Shut up!
SH
You do know that you're
the one initiating all our
conversations here,
don’t you?
MH
I hate you.
SH
-x-
You’re too good
for him, anyway.
SH
-x-
Fuck off.
SH
Eloquent as always.
MH
Fuck. Off.
SH
What do you want,
Sherlock?
MH
Leave me alone.
SH
Start acting like a
responsible human
being, and I’ll be
glad to.
MH
I’m not a child.
SH
You could have
fooled me.
MH
You’re an idiot.
SH
We both know that’s
not true.
MH
Fuck off.
SH
May I offer you some
soap and water for
that mouth of yours?
MH
-x-
I’m not going.
SH
Where are you not going?
MH
Christmas. I’m not
going home for
Christmas.
SH
Like you didn’t last year?
MH
Or the year before that?
MH
I’m busy. I have a case.
SH
If you haven’t figured
out that it was the
footballer’s wife by
Christmas, I’ll schedule
you for an MRI when
we return to London.
MH
Heartwarming.
SH
Do you want me to
pick you up on the 23rd?
MH
No.
SH
How’s 16:30? Then
we'll have time for a
drink with Daddy
before dinner.
MH
How about never?
SH
Let’s say 17:15.
MH
I’m not going, Mycroft.
SH
See you Wednesday.
MH
I hate you.
SH
-x-
Are you dead?
SH
Yes.
MH
Oh, ha ha.
SH
Stupid questions get
stupid answers.
MH
There are no stupid
questions, just stupid
people.
SH
Texting people to
ask if they’re dead
isn’t the most brilliant
way of finding out if
they’re still alive.
MH
It worked this time. Why
haven’t you answered
my texts all day?
SH
I turned my phone off. I
was with the Chancellor.
MH
Naughty.
SH
Sherlock, grow up. We
had a budget meeting.
MH
Pity. From what I
understand, he’s quite
handsome.
SH
Did you want something,
Sherlock?
MH
Yes. How much wood
could a woodchuck
chuck if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?
SH
I’m turning off my
phone again now.
MH
You’re so dull.
SH
-x-
Why are people
so stupid?
SH
Oh, I don’t know. Why
is the sky blue?
MH
Why would anyone
care about knowing
something like that?
SH
Why would anyone
deliberately and
repeatedly put
himself in mortal
danger?
MH
Perhaps he’s really,
really bored.
SH
Or perhaps you’re
an idiot, Sherlock.
MH
And the sky is blue due
to Rayleigh scattering.
MH
Stop trying to fill my
head with unnecessary
knowledge!
SH
-x-
Help
What did you do?
I’m sorry.
What did you take?
Where are you?
I don’t know.
Stay where you are,
I’ll find you.
-x-
I want a new phone.
SH
Buy a new one, then.
MH
I don’t have any money.
SH
Find a more suitable
occupation. There’s
an opening in my
department.
MH
There are no words in
the English language to
express how uninterested
I am.
SH
I want a new phone.
SH
Luckily for me, there
are words in the
English language to
express how interested
I am in giving you a new
phone. Those words are
“absolutely not.”
MH
You hate me.
SH
Only because I love you.
MH
-x-
What’s the catch?
SH
What are you talking
about this time?
MH
You know what I mean.
SH
No, I can’t keep up
with all your paranoid
ideas about how I’m
meddling in your life.
MH
The phone. Why did
you give me a new
phone?
SH
You said you wanted one.
MH
There has to be a catch.
SH
You got me there. The
phone is part of a
super-secret alien
cover-up.
MH
Have you been watching
The X-Files again?
SH
It’s just a phone,
Sherlock. I thought
you'd like it. It’s a
huge improvement
over your old one.
MH
It’s not even bugged.
MH
I’m not taking your
word on that.
SH
I didn’t expect you to.
MH
-x-
Happy birthday.
SH
Do you feel old?
SH
No. And thank you
for the umbrella.
MH
I’m sorry about what
happened with the
last one.
SH
No, you’re not.
You’re right. I’m not.
SH
-x-
Starting a new war,
brother dear?
SH
Not that I’m aware of.
MH
Then why can’t I get
a cab?
SH
Just take the Tube,
Sherlock. It won’t kill
you.
MH
It might, and then you'll
be sorry.
SH
Don’t die just to spite me.
MH
-x-
Stop it.
SH
Fine.
MH
Not that!
SH
All right. How’s this?
MH
You’re so not funny.
SH
But I’m having fun.
MH
Turn the power and the
Internet back on!
SH
I don’t want to.
MH
Grow up!
SH
You first.
MH
You’re older than
I am.
SH
Yes.
MH
Therefore you should
grow up first and turn
my power back on.
SH
Fine.
MH
Thank you.
SH
What was it you
really wanted me
to stop doing?
MH
You made me forget.
SH
I’m sure it’ll come back
to you.
MH
-x-
Kidnapping DI Lestrade
and offering him money
to spy on me was low,
even for you.
SH
Oh, so he told you about
that already?
MH
You thought he wouldn’t?
SH
I was sure he would.
I just didn’t think he’d
do it tonight.
MH
Seriously, Mycroft, do
you need to meddle
in everything?
SH
No. The Eurovision Song
Contest doesn’t interest
me that much. Sweden
always cheats, anyway.
MH
Stay out of my life!
SH
What did you tell the
Detective Inspector?
MH
That you were an escaped
mental patient.
SH
And he was satisfied
with that explanation?
MH
No. He insisted I was
in mortal danger and
wanted to put me
in protective custody.
SH
How precious of him.
MH
He didn’t stop until
I told him you were
my brother.
SH
How did he take that?
MH
He said that he should
have known. I took that
as an insult.
SH
Of course you did.
MH
Stay away from him.
SH
I’m not taking the
Detective Inspector
from you, Sherlock.
MH
You’re just placing him
on a high shelf so I can’t
reach him, like you did
with my scalpels.
SH
You were five. You
weren't supposed to have
scalpels. And you climbed
up and took them down
two days after I put them
there.
MH
If you ruin this for me,
I’ll never forgive you.
SH
Don’t worry, Sherlock.
I wouldn’t dream of it.
MH
-x-
Are you all right?
MH
I thought you said it
was stupid to ask
things like that over
text messages.
SH
Where are you?
MH
Russell Square.
SH
Come to my office.
MH
Are you insane? A
bomb just went off.
SH
Three bombs just went
off.
MH
What’s going on?
SH
I don’t know, but I need
to know you’re safe
before I can find out.
MH
I’ll be at your office
in half an hour.
SH
I’ll make sure they
let you in.
MH
-x-
Tell her thanks, but
no thanks.
SH
You’re not saying no
to an invitation from
the Queen, Sherlock.
MH
Then tell her I have a
cold.
SH
You’re not turning down
a royal decoration.
MH
I sat in your office for
sixteen hours straight.
There’s no honour in that.
SH
Your Queen and Country
are grateful you did.
MH
How did you even
convince them to give
me this?
SH
I’ll tell you if you come
and accept it.
MH
I’m not that interested.
SH
Just come and accept
the honour. It won’t
kill you.
MH
Why can’t you say
thank you like a
normal person?
SH
Thank you.
MH
You’re welcome.
SH
But I’m still not going to
Buckingham Palace.
SH
-x-
Did you find anything
interesting in Dublin?
SH
I might have.
MH
Did you bring me
anything?
SH
It wasn’t a vacation,
Sherlock.
MH
-x-
Lestrade’s wife is cheating
on him.
SH
Keep that to yourself.
MH
But he’s so oblivious.
SH
There are things
people know but
choose not to see.
MH
That’s stupid.
SH
It’s human.
MH
He has the right to know.
SH
Do you remember what
happen the last time
you didn’t keep this kind
of observation to yourself?
MH
That wasn’t my fault.
SH
Of course it wasn’t, you
were seven. But it didn’t
make anything better,
either.
MH
You really think I shouldn't
tell him?
SH
The fact that you asked
me first instead of just
telling him makes me
think you agree.
MH
You’re an idiot.
SH
That doesn’t mean I’m
not right.
MH
-x-
I’m not suicidal.
SH
So that was just, what,
a miscalculation?
MH
It was an unfortunate
incident. You don’t have
to make Lestrade babysit
me.
SH
That’s completely his doing,
though I must say that he
has my full support.
MH
Of course he does.
SH
Sherlock, please.
MH
I’m not suicidal.
SH
But are you clean?
MH
Is there an answer you'll
believe?
SH
No.
MH
It really was an accident.
SH
That I do believe.
MH
-x-
There’s a homeless shelter
on Roman Road that needs
money.
SH
Sadly, most shelters do.
MH
Then do something about it.
SH
From where do you suggest
we take the funds? Education?
Healthcare?
MH
I’m not talking about all
shelters. I’m just talking
about this one.
SH
Mycroft, please.
SH
It’s not within my power.
I’m sorry.
MH
I said please.
SH
Believe it or not, but the
state budget does not
depend on your diction.
MH
This is important to
me, Mycroft.
SH
Yes, I see that, but why?
MH
I spent three months
there in 1998.
SH
I’ll make a personal
donation.
MH
Thank you.
SH
-x-
Barts needs a new
atomic absorption
spectrometer.
SH
What did you do to
the one they had?
MH
I didn’t do anything. It’s
just old.
SH
I’m in a meeting, Sherlock.
Can we do this later?
MH
Then why haven’t you
turned your phone off?
SH
I’m waiting for a call.
MH
Interesting. Who besides
me has this number?
SH
I’m warning you. I won’t
stop texting you until you
tell me.
SH
Or until you promise me
a new atomic absorption
spectrometer.
SH
It’s not Freddie again, is it?
SH
Mycroft, you can do better
than him.
SH
And it’s true, because you
know I’d rather die than
compliment you.
SH
I heard James Dew has a
new lover. You do know he’s
bald, right?
SH
Or is it a woman?
SH
No, I suppose you would
have told Mummy at
Christmas if it was.
SH
I really think you should
tell her that little Mr Perfect
isn’t going to give her any
grandchildren.
SH
Please give me an atomic
absorption spectrometer!
SH
Mycroft!
SH
-x-
Ms Somers, please make
my brother stop texting me.
MH
How am I supposed to do
that, sir?
I don’t care. Just do it.
MH
Sir, you don’t pay me
enough to babysit.
If you can get Sherlock
to stop texting me, I’ll
get you Prince Carl
Philip’s phone number.
MH
Consider it done.
-x-
Mr Holmes, stop
texting your brother.
He is in a meeting.
The obnoxious bastard can
turn off his phone.
SH
He is waiting for a call.
Who are you?
SH
I’m sure you’ll figure
it out.
…