If there's no thinker, then what?
I feel like someone off-camera has secretly replaced my brain crystals with new Folger's Crystals, and we're waiting with bated breath to see if anyone notices.
I feel dumb, and I have for weeks. I know it's the meds, yes I'm still working with my doc, and I know it's going to change and maybe even get better. I think. I hope.
Sometimes I get mad and I wonder, "Is it just really so easy for the rest of you?" If it's easy to be you, just do me a favor right now and don't say so. Or lie. Best yet, consider it a rhetorical question.
When I'm mad about this, the small child in me wants it to be as hard for everyone else as it is for me--but that would mean that everything would grind to a screeching halt because people couldn't think. Or, even more frighteningly, nothing would appear to change becuase what I'm experiencing is actually normal for others. I don't know.
Who am I, if I can't think? Who am I, even if I can? I went to a talk at my zen center on Tuesday and it was a nice talk, but the five minutes of sitting before the talk began went on for absolutely ever. I can't meditate, don't want to even imagine meditating right now, and I don't know how that's supposed to be Okay. I guess I just keep waiting. I wish I could stop expecting so much from myself, like, you know, functionality.
I feel dumb, and I have for weeks. I know it's the meds, yes I'm still working with my doc, and I know it's going to change and maybe even get better. I think. I hope.
Sometimes I get mad and I wonder, "Is it just really so easy for the rest of you?" If it's easy to be you, just do me a favor right now and don't say so. Or lie. Best yet, consider it a rhetorical question.
When I'm mad about this, the small child in me wants it to be as hard for everyone else as it is for me--but that would mean that everything would grind to a screeching halt because people couldn't think. Or, even more frighteningly, nothing would appear to change becuase what I'm experiencing is actually normal for others. I don't know.
Who am I, if I can't think? Who am I, even if I can? I went to a talk at my zen center on Tuesday and it was a nice talk, but the five minutes of sitting before the talk began went on for absolutely ever. I can't meditate, don't want to even imagine meditating right now, and I don't know how that's supposed to be Okay. I guess I just keep waiting. I wish I could stop expecting so much from myself, like, you know, functionality.