I may not have a full pallete to use, but I'm gonna paint with the colors I've got...
There are numerous reasons that this should have been a bad day. Lots of people trying to bring me down. Lots of situations reminding me I'm far from being settled. But something has changed. I've been doing a lot better for the last two weeks I think. I've noticed a huge change in my attitude and my outlook. Although the shadows still find me, they're not as dark. Night doesn't last as long. The unsettling pain at the base of my stomach is nearly gone. I still hurt. But for the first time I'm seeing and feeling real progress.
This weekend was crazy. But in between meetings, drinks, doctor's appointments, and visits to the financial aid office, I got to meet someone really special. Andra and I were supposed to get together Saturday for a show at DePaul but I slept right through it (!). So I went to go see her at her dorm on Sunday instead. I think I stayed close to six hours there just talking with her. She's incredible. I already feel extremely connected to her and find myself craving another chat session. She's also an admirer of Johnny Depp, but has missed a few of his more important movies. Essential viewing material for any self respecting fan. Fortunately I own most of them so I'm going to bring her up to speed on all things Depp. There was no better way to spend Sunday. Andra, you absolutely rule. I look forward to becoming great friends.
Today was sort of stressful. The weekend left me with very little free time. Not to mention I lost my phone for half of it. I had told Lana I would call her but it just didn't happen. I was feeling under the weather and my free moments at home were spent lying down and trying to sleep. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. There have been numerous times she hasn't called me or has just plain ignored my messages. I never said a word about it. But apparently she was really upset that I hadn't gotten in touch. I'm not bitching. I can certainly understand why she's mad. But she didn't even bother to find out why I hadn't called before getting upset with me and making sure there was some sort of consequence for my behavior. THAT's unfair. You know what? She knows I love her. She knows I've always been here for her. And she knows I've done everything that was within my power to do. So I have nothing to feel ashamed or bad about. I don't appreciate being made out to look like a bad guy. Not after all I've done.
But it didn't bring me down. Not because I didn't care. I do care. I'll always care. But I had a realization last week about the whole situation and I'm looking at things a bit differently now. She was going to come up and see me this weekend. I would love that. I miss her terribly. But she's making me feel like I have to earn it and I'd rather her just come because she wants to.
Here's what's changed: I have spent my life being validated by other people. I was only as good as they said I was. What a depressing and futile way to live. I know who I am. I'm not perfect. Far from it. I am what I am. Nothing more.
But nothing less.
I know my value. I know what I have to offer. I'm through wasting time trying to prove it to people. You either see me or you don't. There's too many other things to put my energy into instead of worrying about the people who don't.
I met Laura for coffee tonight. Really sweet girl. Smart, insightful, and wise beyond her years. She also introduced me to a kick ass cafe called Filter. There will definitely be a return visit. It was probably the best hot chocolate I've ever had. Better than Long Branch. After we parted ways I put my head phones on and headed home. I stepped off the EL and the skyline was lit up in front of me. I forgot how unbelivably beautiful it is. Then I'm going down the street and looking around and realizing I fucking adore my neighborhood. What was foreign three weeks ago is now comfortably familiar. This is my home. And I could not be happier. I felt so content and so blessed. I came in, gave Liz a hug, walked into my room, and knew that I was going to be okay.
Transitions are hard. I've still got a lot of work to do. But I'm off to a decent start. Sure there are things to be upset about. But there's too much to be happy about. Too much to look forward to. I've done nothing wrong. I'm not a criminal. I refuse to treat myself like one any longer. It's like I didn't think I deserved to be happy. I think it was easier for certain people when I wasn't. I got hit with some pretty severe situations these last few months. There's a lot I'm still dealing with. My guilt and pain over what happened to Alicia is at a maximum. I think about her a lot. The stress over school and getting everything straightened out is a daily burden. I hate the limbo that Lana and I are in. But...
...this too shall pass.
Tomorrow I may fall again. I might slam face first into the concrete. But I've surrounded myself with enough positive things to insure that I won't be down for long.
I've been ignoring the most important person in my life. So I've spent some time with him and looked for all the good qualities. I've had nothing but time to analyze it and think about it. The conclusion? Chris isn't such a bad guy.
I may have lost my way for awhile. I may have put my reigns in the hands of someone else. Let them steer me in a direction I didn't want to go. It started turning me into someone I didn't like. There are some of you that think I ran away. That I hid from my problems. That I was scared. But I say that sometimes real courage is knowing when to walk away. Realizing you're trying to fix something that is beyond repair. Carbondale was never going to be the town for me. SIU was never going to be the school I needed it to be. I didn't run. I escaped.
And I see what I did wrong. I let people get away with too much. A real friend will never hold your relationship ransom. A real friend won't fault you for mistakes they've made themselves. A real friend will see who you are and what they mean to you. For a real friend, that will be enough.
All my real friends, I love you.
For those that have tried to hurt me, manipulate me, and break me... you had your fun. It's over. There's too many other things going on. I don't have time to jump through your hoops anymore.
Like I said, I'm done trying to prove myself. You know who I am. Get on or get lost.
This weekend was crazy. But in between meetings, drinks, doctor's appointments, and visits to the financial aid office, I got to meet someone really special. Andra and I were supposed to get together Saturday for a show at DePaul but I slept right through it (!). So I went to go see her at her dorm on Sunday instead. I think I stayed close to six hours there just talking with her. She's incredible. I already feel extremely connected to her and find myself craving another chat session. She's also an admirer of Johnny Depp, but has missed a few of his more important movies. Essential viewing material for any self respecting fan. Fortunately I own most of them so I'm going to bring her up to speed on all things Depp. There was no better way to spend Sunday. Andra, you absolutely rule. I look forward to becoming great friends.
Today was sort of stressful. The weekend left me with very little free time. Not to mention I lost my phone for half of it. I had told Lana I would call her but it just didn't happen. I was feeling under the weather and my free moments at home were spent lying down and trying to sleep. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. There have been numerous times she hasn't called me or has just plain ignored my messages. I never said a word about it. But apparently she was really upset that I hadn't gotten in touch. I'm not bitching. I can certainly understand why she's mad. But she didn't even bother to find out why I hadn't called before getting upset with me and making sure there was some sort of consequence for my behavior. THAT's unfair. You know what? She knows I love her. She knows I've always been here for her. And she knows I've done everything that was within my power to do. So I have nothing to feel ashamed or bad about. I don't appreciate being made out to look like a bad guy. Not after all I've done.
But it didn't bring me down. Not because I didn't care. I do care. I'll always care. But I had a realization last week about the whole situation and I'm looking at things a bit differently now. She was going to come up and see me this weekend. I would love that. I miss her terribly. But she's making me feel like I have to earn it and I'd rather her just come because she wants to.
Here's what's changed: I have spent my life being validated by other people. I was only as good as they said I was. What a depressing and futile way to live. I know who I am. I'm not perfect. Far from it. I am what I am. Nothing more.
But nothing less.
I know my value. I know what I have to offer. I'm through wasting time trying to prove it to people. You either see me or you don't. There's too many other things to put my energy into instead of worrying about the people who don't.
I met Laura for coffee tonight. Really sweet girl. Smart, insightful, and wise beyond her years. She also introduced me to a kick ass cafe called Filter. There will definitely be a return visit. It was probably the best hot chocolate I've ever had. Better than Long Branch. After we parted ways I put my head phones on and headed home. I stepped off the EL and the skyline was lit up in front of me. I forgot how unbelivably beautiful it is. Then I'm going down the street and looking around and realizing I fucking adore my neighborhood. What was foreign three weeks ago is now comfortably familiar. This is my home. And I could not be happier. I felt so content and so blessed. I came in, gave Liz a hug, walked into my room, and knew that I was going to be okay.
Transitions are hard. I've still got a lot of work to do. But I'm off to a decent start. Sure there are things to be upset about. But there's too much to be happy about. Too much to look forward to. I've done nothing wrong. I'm not a criminal. I refuse to treat myself like one any longer. It's like I didn't think I deserved to be happy. I think it was easier for certain people when I wasn't. I got hit with some pretty severe situations these last few months. There's a lot I'm still dealing with. My guilt and pain over what happened to Alicia is at a maximum. I think about her a lot. The stress over school and getting everything straightened out is a daily burden. I hate the limbo that Lana and I are in. But...
...this too shall pass.
Tomorrow I may fall again. I might slam face first into the concrete. But I've surrounded myself with enough positive things to insure that I won't be down for long.
I've been ignoring the most important person in my life. So I've spent some time with him and looked for all the good qualities. I've had nothing but time to analyze it and think about it. The conclusion? Chris isn't such a bad guy.
I may have lost my way for awhile. I may have put my reigns in the hands of someone else. Let them steer me in a direction I didn't want to go. It started turning me into someone I didn't like. There are some of you that think I ran away. That I hid from my problems. That I was scared. But I say that sometimes real courage is knowing when to walk away. Realizing you're trying to fix something that is beyond repair. Carbondale was never going to be the town for me. SIU was never going to be the school I needed it to be. I didn't run. I escaped.
And I see what I did wrong. I let people get away with too much. A real friend will never hold your relationship ransom. A real friend won't fault you for mistakes they've made themselves. A real friend will see who you are and what they mean to you. For a real friend, that will be enough.
All my real friends, I love you.
For those that have tried to hurt me, manipulate me, and break me... you had your fun. It's over. There's too many other things going on. I don't have time to jump through your hoops anymore.
Like I said, I'm done trying to prove myself. You know who I am. Get on or get lost.