Your heart is not open, so I must go...
Laugh all you want, but this Madonna song is making me feel a lot better right now. Actually, this whole album is pretty good. So there. But seriously, the lyrics to this song are exactly where I'm at right now. I'm not even crying. I feel empowered. I'm not through this yet. Not even close. But I will be so much stronger when I am. Now all I have to do is figure out how not to become jaded along the way.
I need help from those of you still in Carbondale. You have to do something for me. Actually, NOT do something is more accurate. If you see Lana, I don't want to hear about it. If you talk to her, don't tell me. If we have a conversation, please don't bring any of this up. With where I'm at in my recovery, that would be really detrimental to my moving forward. So that's my only rule. Please try and remember it.
My mom and step-dad are on their way up to see the new apartment and the neighborhood and what not. Liz and I re-arranged furniture the other night and we made the place look 10x bigger than it did. I'm excited. I think my mom's going to love it. Hopefully she'll take me shopping. I've been sort of snowed in.
We didn't go out last night. Liz had an exhausting day and I was working on screenplay ideas. So we bummed around here and watched SNL. I might go out tonight to make up for it but I'll have to see how I feel. I'm not looking to repeat that hangover I had Friday morning anytime soon.
Thanks for everyone that's had kind words through this shitstorm. Even when I don't acknowledge your comments, I always take them to heart. It's amazing how many friends dropped off the face of this earth as soon as I became too much to handle.
I miss a lot of you Carbondale folk. Rawley... it is so surreal not having you as a roommate anymore. Liz has the same pink sports bra that you wore around the house and sometimes out of the corner of my eye I think it's you. Haha. Sick. But really, I miss being there.
Rik... we did not hang out enough. It's that simple. I miss you a lot dude. That Placebo song "Special Needs" totally reminds me of you now since you're the one that told me about it. If you guys see Gavin tell him I said hello and that I wish him well. It's so fucking strange that the four of us will never sit on that porch and shoot the shit again.
You know when you go to the video store and you only have enough for one movie but there are two that you want? And you know that no matter which one you choose you'll wish you'd taken the other one? That's sort of how college feels right now. I know that ultimately this was for the best. But I still feel like a failure. SIU won. It chased me away.
Sometimes I get angry thinking about how a certain someone abandoned me. Because there was so much more going on than just her and I. So much more I was dealing with that I needed help with. The fact remains that when I needed her most... she was not there. And even though I understand why, I can't bring myself to forget that. Maybe she didn't know how to be there or in what capacity I needed her. It doesn't matter though because I don't want to be mad at her anymore. I want to let it go. I want to let all of it go.
I'm trying.