i can't take this anymore.
i can't even start typing this without crying.
i can't figure out if i'm actually unhappy or if i'm frustrated or what. i'm miserable, does being miserable equal unhappiness?
i feel like i have spent the last two months in tears. this is so unlike me, and i don't know how to handle it. i've cried at work, i've cried to people who i wish i hadn't, i cried on my front lawn. i just cry for no reason and i hate it. i hate how weak and awful and hopeless i feel. i feel that now. i don't know how to fix it.
i wish i could articulate how much i hurt inside. i'm reading over this and it doesn't explain it fairly. it's every part of me that's wounded. i'm so lost and i don't know. i don't know.
speaking rationally: a lot of the cause of this is my parents, of course.. or rather, my relationship with my parents. we don't get along. we really haven't gotten along at all, lately. i kind of doubt we will be getting along any better in the next few years. last night a discussion of whether or not i can take gizmo home turned into a litany of reasons that i guess were supposed to explain my failures. this list included: i have the wrong job, i neglect my horses, i go back on my word, i'm supposed to be working with a vet, i lied about my trip to london, i shouldn't be allowed to go to colorado because i'm not taking a class now, i take advantage of everything, i'm working too often, i'm not making enough money, it was stupid of me to throw away scholarships, and i'm not being honest with myself about anything. if there is something else i can screw up in their eyes, please let me know - i'll be sure to take care of that, too.
this morning i was twenty minutes late to work and all i could do was cry. that is so stupid. it makes me hate myself so much.
i feel weak and pathetic because i won't move out and leave my parents. i know that i could do it on my own so the fact that i don't makes me feel disgusted with myself. all because i won't give up all that money for college.
people keep saying it isn't that long, i can just stick it out, and that's true. but it's so much easier to say than to do. i know i will be able to stick it out, but i don't think i've been this miserable before, ever. constantly.
working eighty hours a week is no big deal for me mentally, but i can't get out of bed anymore. i hurt all over, and that kind of scares me, because i'm just a kid. i get enough sleep. but i work at least eight hours any given day, usually ten or twelve. plus the horses, and lessons, and whatever else needs done. my knees hurt and my hip aches constantly. and my back, but that's always been there.
i feel like i'll never be good enough for anyone. that's all i ever feel anymore. except when i'm with the horses or frank, but that's alright - i'm not going to be able to see him much anymore, anyway.
last night i drove to the barn at one in the morning and sat with my horse and cried. he wouldn't let the other horses near me. he just put his head in my chest and let me hold him. i don't know how i'm going to leave him behind.
michelle, i'm trying not to think about it too much because it hurts, but i just want you to know how much i miss you. i feel so lost and alone without you here. i don't know why it makes such a huge difference to me that you're so far away because i thought i was ready for it, but i'm not. i wasn't. it is so hard to do this without you. some days, i just don't know if i can.
i have to go to work now.. so there's your update. i'm sorry.
i can't figure out if i'm actually unhappy or if i'm frustrated or what. i'm miserable, does being miserable equal unhappiness?
i feel like i have spent the last two months in tears. this is so unlike me, and i don't know how to handle it. i've cried at work, i've cried to people who i wish i hadn't, i cried on my front lawn. i just cry for no reason and i hate it. i hate how weak and awful and hopeless i feel. i feel that now. i don't know how to fix it.
i wish i could articulate how much i hurt inside. i'm reading over this and it doesn't explain it fairly. it's every part of me that's wounded. i'm so lost and i don't know. i don't know.
speaking rationally: a lot of the cause of this is my parents, of course.. or rather, my relationship with my parents. we don't get along. we really haven't gotten along at all, lately. i kind of doubt we will be getting along any better in the next few years. last night a discussion of whether or not i can take gizmo home turned into a litany of reasons that i guess were supposed to explain my failures. this list included: i have the wrong job, i neglect my horses, i go back on my word, i'm supposed to be working with a vet, i lied about my trip to london, i shouldn't be allowed to go to colorado because i'm not taking a class now, i take advantage of everything, i'm working too often, i'm not making enough money, it was stupid of me to throw away scholarships, and i'm not being honest with myself about anything. if there is something else i can screw up in their eyes, please let me know - i'll be sure to take care of that, too.
this morning i was twenty minutes late to work and all i could do was cry. that is so stupid. it makes me hate myself so much.
i feel weak and pathetic because i won't move out and leave my parents. i know that i could do it on my own so the fact that i don't makes me feel disgusted with myself. all because i won't give up all that money for college.
people keep saying it isn't that long, i can just stick it out, and that's true. but it's so much easier to say than to do. i know i will be able to stick it out, but i don't think i've been this miserable before, ever. constantly.
working eighty hours a week is no big deal for me mentally, but i can't get out of bed anymore. i hurt all over, and that kind of scares me, because i'm just a kid. i get enough sleep. but i work at least eight hours any given day, usually ten or twelve. plus the horses, and lessons, and whatever else needs done. my knees hurt and my hip aches constantly. and my back, but that's always been there.
i feel like i'll never be good enough for anyone. that's all i ever feel anymore. except when i'm with the horses or frank, but that's alright - i'm not going to be able to see him much anymore, anyway.
last night i drove to the barn at one in the morning and sat with my horse and cried. he wouldn't let the other horses near me. he just put his head in my chest and let me hold him. i don't know how i'm going to leave him behind.
michelle, i'm trying not to think about it too much because it hurts, but i just want you to know how much i miss you. i feel so lost and alone without you here. i don't know why it makes such a huge difference to me that you're so far away because i thought i was ready for it, but i'm not. i wasn't. it is so hard to do this without you. some days, i just don't know if i can.
i have to go to work now.. so there's your update. i'm sorry.