well, that went well
Title: well, that went well
Words: 818
Rating: T for some language
Characters: Hawkeye, OC
Summary: for this prompt n avengers gen. A man tries to rob a bank, but it doesn't turn out like expected
Written Affidavit of Daniel Jones-Keller, while under observation of Agent J Sitwell
Let’s get this over with: I’m guilty. I confess. I was going to rob the bank. I was desperate and stupid and, okay, when I came up with the plan I was a little drunk. In retrospect, I probably should have just held up a gas station convenience store or something, but there’s a thing about banks.
The plan was very basic: go into the bank at closing time, tell everyone I had a gun and to hand over what cash they had on hand, and then I’d take a hostage as cover to make sure I could get a few blocks away before they called the cops. The first steps went off without a hitch; it was the hostage situation that was the wrinkle in my plan.
I thought: grab somebody, tell the people in the building I’d mess him or her up if they tried anything, then use that to get out the door. Except it got complicated. It was taking ages for them to get the cash, I got paranoid, and so I decided to grab my hostage earlier than planned. There were only two customers at the bank and one was this little old lady, which would have made me feel like a truly terrible person, so I grabbed the guy.
I’ve been told I’m fairly physically intimidating, I’m tall and I’ve taken Judo, but this still wasn’t ideal. Without the threat of a gun, that guy could definitely have taken me. He wasn’t huge or anything, but he definitely had body mass. You already know this. I’ll move on.
So I made him sit behind the counter while we waited and he just kept looking at me with this creepy dead eyed stare. It was really unnerving. Serious intimidation tactic, there. I’d recommend he take serious advantage of that, if he doesn’t already.
They were taking forever to get the money, this guy wouldn’t stop staring at me, and I was worried he’d realize I didn’t actually have a gun and jump me. See, I didn’t bring a gun because I didn’t want to shoot anybody and also because I’m not really a criminal. I mean, NYC’s got some tough gun laws, but a real criminal doesn’t give a shit about that. I don’t know how to get a gun illegally, but you bet if I’d gone in there with a handgun, some assholes would be bleating about gun control right now, like that will fucking solve the problem.
God, what was in that shit you injected me with? Is this legal?
I’m starting to think this organization isn’t exactly on the up and up.
Back to the story. So I’m starting to get a little tense because I want to get out of there and your guy is still staring at me like some sort of demented hawk. My exact thoughts. Then I realize why he looks a little bit familiar. I thought at first maybe I’d run into him someplace before, but, no, I’d seen him on TV. It was some Avengers press conference. I remember thinking for superheroes they mostly looked really normal.
So I realize my hostage is Hawkeye and I’m torn between three emotions: delight that here’s an Avenger and I touched him, incredulity left over from the attack on Manhattan that he apparently named himself after a football team, and, much stronger than the others, utter terror that the Avengers are going to swoop down at any moment and do unspeakable things to me. I loved comic books as a kid and I never imagined growing up to be a comic book villain. Or at least not a really stupid one.
I may have started freaking out at this point.
I defy you to remain calm when you think that the Hulk might come and turn you into pulp any second.
Unfortunately I don’t deal very well with stress. In my defense, Hawkeye has a really fucking unnerving stare. I started cursing a blue streak at the tellers to hurry up. I told them I would shoot Hawkeye if they didn’t.
Then Hawkeye laughed at me and said, “With what gun?” because he’s not an idiot, I guess.
“Don’t move,” someone said. It was the little old lady, pointing a taser at me. I just had to try to rob the one bank with two apparent armed bad asses present. Hawkeye laughed again and I gave the jig up. I sank down to my knees and starting blubbing because I was having the worst day and now I was going to get arrested and Hawkeye was a hero and he was going to think I was a terrible person…
Then Captain America and Black Widow showed up with some cops and I got arrested. Seriously the worst day.
And I didn’t even get anyone’s autograph.