How to Be a Loser
Here's how to lose weight, if you're interested. It's a two-step programme. It doesn't have a fancy name, but I can call it the Crash Whizz Bang Diet if you like. Whatever.
1. Eat less, and eat right.
2. Exercise more.
"Yeah, we know."
Really? Do we? Because that's not what I'm hearing.
What I'm hearing is: Atkins Diet; Weight Watchers; "my aunt works with this girl and she lost lots of weight doing this thing and blah blah"; Nutrisystem; calorie-counting; Jenny Craig; gastric surgery*; herbal supplements; fasting; amphetemines**; "nothing but X and water for a week"; hypnotism; yoga; electronic belts; etc.
I understand that some people have real issues related to congenital, glandular or hormonal problems, but YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE***.
1. Eat less, and eat right.
2. Exercise more.
I guarantee you this is the way to lose weight. If you eat less and eat right, you will lose weight. If you get some more exercise (and no, walking to your car doesn't count), you will lose weight.
_____
*Surgery does work, but if you're so fucking lazy that you'd rather be knocked out and allow surgeons to cut into you with sharp bits of steel and have some plastic implanted than get some proper exercise and lower the doughnut intake, then obesity is not your biggest problem.
**Speed works too, but again, if you'd prefer to risk increased/distorted sensations, hyperactivity, erectile dysfunction, headache, tachycardia, increased blood pressure, fever, sweating, diarrhea, constipation, blurred vision, impaired speech, dizziness, uncontrollable shaking, insomnia, numbness, palpitations, and arrhythmia than just fix your diet and run around a bit more, then obesity is not your biggest problem.
***Although if you are, obviously none of this applies to you.
1. Eat less, and eat right.
2. Exercise more.
"Yeah, we know."
Really? Do we? Because that's not what I'm hearing.
What I'm hearing is: Atkins Diet; Weight Watchers; "my aunt works with this girl and she lost lots of weight doing this thing and blah blah"; Nutrisystem; calorie-counting; Jenny Craig; gastric surgery*; herbal supplements; fasting; amphetemines**; "nothing but X and water for a week"; hypnotism; yoga; electronic belts; etc.
I understand that some people have real issues related to congenital, glandular or hormonal problems, but YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE***.
1. Eat less, and eat right.
2. Exercise more.
I guarantee you this is the way to lose weight. If you eat less and eat right, you will lose weight. If you get some more exercise (and no, walking to your car doesn't count), you will lose weight.
_____
*Surgery does work, but if you're so fucking lazy that you'd rather be knocked out and allow surgeons to cut into you with sharp bits of steel and have some plastic implanted than get some proper exercise and lower the doughnut intake, then obesity is not your biggest problem.
**Speed works too, but again, if you'd prefer to risk increased/distorted sensations, hyperactivity, erectile dysfunction, headache, tachycardia, increased blood pressure, fever, sweating, diarrhea, constipation, blurred vision, impaired speech, dizziness, uncontrollable shaking, insomnia, numbness, palpitations, and arrhythmia than just fix your diet and run around a bit more, then obesity is not your biggest problem.
***Although if you are, obviously none of this applies to you.