(warning: this is a journal entry, not a friendly "how ar' ya?")
you know...it's just not me. others are more fit for raving lunacy and poetic ramblings. I will suffice with rambling(.)
So it is that I have degraded dfrom high school in my social being. Which is to say the miracles worked upon my person by Alexis and David which brought about my blooming flower have wilted away again to the point that meeting new people is once again a pain in ther ass. And yet I am lonely. Others have it worse to be sure, but I haven't had a stable relationship in over a year...and now I want one...badly. And instead of trying to meet someone with which to share this desire I look instead to the past - to people I had something with. that was ruined by no fault of mine. which i screwed up most severly by my actions. which had to happen due to no fault of anyone save the circumstances of situation. there are three individuals with which I had something at one point that I wish I could go back to. but the lies of others, the pressure of distance, and the timing (to say the least) disrupted what I had. No, I do not feel sorry for myself, I merely feel lonely and shy. And I'm home on new years eve with a house full of my parents friends. Who are all happily married while I have no one to kiss when that damn lighted ball falls upon Dick Fucking Clarks head. I've said before that I will write what I write and if you don't want to read it be damned to you...lets exercise that again.
Caitlin - it was bad timing that we met so young and I had to go 550 miles to college
Amber - Iwish you had asked me before beleiving what others would tell you.
Rachel - (who coincidentally is the only person who might read this)
I am sorry.
I needed someone next to me, when you could not be, and through that need may have all but ruined a friendship.
For all the friends I have lost...
(there was a list here, but I was afraid I would miss someone)
...I have loved you all.
fucking holidays
and fucking louisville.
one good/interesting point: I'm slowing getting toasted in front of parents and friends and no one cares now that am 21. At best, occasionally someone will direct a joke at my mom concerning babies growing up.
So it is that I have degraded dfrom high school in my social being. Which is to say the miracles worked upon my person by Alexis and David which brought about my blooming flower have wilted away again to the point that meeting new people is once again a pain in ther ass. And yet I am lonely. Others have it worse to be sure, but I haven't had a stable relationship in over a year...and now I want one...badly. And instead of trying to meet someone with which to share this desire I look instead to the past - to people I had something with. that was ruined by no fault of mine. which i screwed up most severly by my actions. which had to happen due to no fault of anyone save the circumstances of situation. there are three individuals with which I had something at one point that I wish I could go back to. but the lies of others, the pressure of distance, and the timing (to say the least) disrupted what I had. No, I do not feel sorry for myself, I merely feel lonely and shy. And I'm home on new years eve with a house full of my parents friends. Who are all happily married while I have no one to kiss when that damn lighted ball falls upon Dick Fucking Clarks head. I've said before that I will write what I write and if you don't want to read it be damned to you...lets exercise that again.
Caitlin - it was bad timing that we met so young and I had to go 550 miles to college
Amber - Iwish you had asked me before beleiving what others would tell you.
Rachel - (who coincidentally is the only person who might read this)
I am sorry.
I needed someone next to me, when you could not be, and through that need may have all but ruined a friendship.
For all the friends I have lost...
(there was a list here, but I was afraid I would miss someone)
...I have loved you all.
fucking holidays
and fucking louisville.
one good/interesting point: I'm slowing getting toasted in front of parents and friends and no one cares now that am 21. At best, occasionally someone will direct a joke at my mom concerning babies growing up.