I need answers. don't comment if you have nothing
Every decision that I make ends in failure. And every effort I make to fix the error lands me deeper in the pit of mayhem. And the only think I can do to get myself out is to bare my teeth. To swing wildly and bite anything and everything that gets in my way. I claw my way out just to tire at the mouth, just to be sucked back in. what I don’t realize while I’m down there though is the only thing to punch, kick, bite, and scream at is me. And every time I crawl out on my hands and knees I am bowing to my own defeat allowing it to laugh at my bloodied carcass just to be brought back to suffer again. How do I end the cycle without the guilt of success? How do I allow myself the weakness of needs? How do I allow myself to forget to be humble and strong? It seems the only answer is to weaken my will and stand atop my fallen brethren rather than to believe that to carry their weight will bring me higher. Should I continue my journey for enlightenment through selflessness? I do not attempt to fool myself by self proclaiming selflessness. I just express my wish to be selfless. But perhaps my belief in the need for balance in ones life requires myself to allow selfishness. Have I been wrong all these years? Should I learn to spit upon those I may defeat as well as gain the will to become the defeater? I have been told my heart is that of gold. But perhaps I should trade if for something lighter as it already weighs so heavily in my chest. I have already raised my fist against others for the sake of anger and fear. But should it also continue to be raised through my voice for my own needs and wants? Does my need for balance in my life truly call for force against those around me rather than peace and serenity with them? Have my beliefs and perspective of what the world needed truly been so twisted? For the past 6 years I have continuously asked myself, “What does my soul need to heal?” I have always come to the conclusion that the answer to the question was another question, “what does this world need?” Might the true answer have been rather than look for what I could do out there, I had to begin with myself? I remember the old workshop saying “a sharp tool is a safe tool.” Have I really become so dull through my experiences? And if so, what is my whetstone?