i need words
I need words to explain how I feel at the moment, and somehow, they elude me. They dance at the tip of my fingers, but never seem to take form. I look out the window of the subway train, and seem them shimmering in the lights that go by. Sad, grieving, in love, wishful... emotions some would label as emotional, or sentimental, or desperate. Me? I simply call them a passing phase. Yesterday was the last day with Alexandra and Monty... no fights, no tantrums. When I left she clung to me, hugging my leg, and begging me to make her dinner. Her mother gave me that sad smile, and asked, a little bit harrased, "can we call you this summer if anything comes up?" I said, "of course" a little bit wishful that I didn't have to say goodbye. For all my frustration, I love this little girl. Her mother promised I'd buy myself something pretty with the extra money. and I promised I would.
I got drunk last night. really truly drunk. by myself, and for some reason it felt alright. because I forgot all the details of my life? or because I watched some tv show and had no clue what happened (I still see images of dead people... but can't quite piece together the ending). Or because I didn't have any nightmares last night? My sleep was deeper, less dark than normal. No lingering images of ghosts. No wishing I could wake up and never see what I saw. Chris called me twice - and I don't care that I didn't pick up.
Today seems strange. driving, rain, iced coffee, a little girl I wanted brief moment to run away with. I look at lacy and wish I could have a child. so desperatly. So absalute that when chris called, I wanted to cry. not because I don't love him, but because he isn't the one I'll have children with... and some part of me is frustrated that I have to wait. Her name is Natasha and I want her. On my way home Alicia called. Surprise, Saddness. I called her back, "hey babe" and I'm startled. we're not on those terms. too casual. it's been two years, and too much pain for me to accept "hey babe" but she... like so many people in my life (my roommate, my boyfriend, my college friends) is drunk, so I smile, open a beer, and listen while she swears she has changed - but the girl I hear on the other side of the phone sounds the same. only this time drunk. I'm not angry... just tired. Her boyfriend (ironically named Chris) gets on the phone, and tells me I should see the white house. I laugh... so this is the kind of guy she is dating and bite my tongue before I blurt out, "fuck that shit, this city has things to offer, but war memorials isn't one of them." I laugh silently at what my-chris will say.
I've got words, but too bad they aren't here to tell all the things I wish I could say. instead I've collected a bunch of mismatched sentances that string together into something... just not what I wanted.
i love him.
I got drunk last night. really truly drunk. by myself, and for some reason it felt alright. because I forgot all the details of my life? or because I watched some tv show and had no clue what happened (I still see images of dead people... but can't quite piece together the ending). Or because I didn't have any nightmares last night? My sleep was deeper, less dark than normal. No lingering images of ghosts. No wishing I could wake up and never see what I saw. Chris called me twice - and I don't care that I didn't pick up.
Today seems strange. driving, rain, iced coffee, a little girl I wanted brief moment to run away with. I look at lacy and wish I could have a child. so desperatly. So absalute that when chris called, I wanted to cry. not because I don't love him, but because he isn't the one I'll have children with... and some part of me is frustrated that I have to wait. Her name is Natasha and I want her. On my way home Alicia called. Surprise, Saddness. I called her back, "hey babe" and I'm startled. we're not on those terms. too casual. it's been two years, and too much pain for me to accept "hey babe" but she... like so many people in my life (my roommate, my boyfriend, my college friends) is drunk, so I smile, open a beer, and listen while she swears she has changed - but the girl I hear on the other side of the phone sounds the same. only this time drunk. I'm not angry... just tired. Her boyfriend (ironically named Chris) gets on the phone, and tells me I should see the white house. I laugh... so this is the kind of guy she is dating and bite my tongue before I blurt out, "fuck that shit, this city has things to offer, but war memorials isn't one of them." I laugh silently at what my-chris will say.
I've got words, but too bad they aren't here to tell all the things I wish I could say. instead I've collected a bunch of mismatched sentances that string together into something... just not what I wanted.
i love him.