(no subject)
I should be in bed right now... sleeping... but somehow I'm not tired, guess i should skip the coffee at 11 at night.
How do I begin to describe this weekend? amazing? He came Friday around 8:30, enough time for me to finish up all the stuff I wanted/needed to do. Saturday we stayed in bed until 12, and then went out for food, looked at plants, came home, and went out and looked at more plants... somewhere in there we watched a movie and tickled each other a lot. We made dinner, or to be more exact, he made dinner and I did random things... and watched some movie while sipping white wine and cuddling... ended up getting tipsy and laughed a lot about it. *smiles* This morning he left at eight with the promise to come visit next weekend. (on his way to NYC for work and Dami) ... and we talked this evening for an hour (mostly evil plans for my aunt)
"well, I definitly like it better when you come here, less traveling for me" (chris) "I know, but I tend to be miserable when I go there..." (me) "..."(chris) "I just don't feel like I fit into your life, I feel out of place and annoyed at myself" (me)
I need to record this somewhere... not just because I want to share my happiness, but also because I want to record the happiness, the comfort, the calm I feel. We are honest with each other - and it feels good. I think, I hope, we've learned to poke fun at our (relationshipwise) inconstancies... I apologized for everything getting messed up with Dami. I don't like what happened, and I'm not happy with what she said to me, or what his response... but I do honestly feel bad that their friendship was hurt. And once again we talk about her... I'm not sure why, but it feels like she has always been, will always be, the third member in this relationship. Whether it's because we're purposefully NOT talking about her, or he's talking about her, or because she's the only real female friend he has... she's there in the background of our relationship. I think who he and I are is somehow tied up with her, and I wish I understood better.
It's safe to say, I'm not the person she knew. And what she said to me eight months ago has in many ways changed me. I'm also not the person Eric knew - and I wonder occasionally what I would say to him? "I don't know you, fuck off" seems to be my inclination... I find that although I'll always want closure, I don't really care any more.
my views on the world... I'm so angry right now about the continuation of the tax cuts, and the short sightedness of current politicians. I realize I tend to be a "big picture" kind of gal, but this detail, in-the-moment concept just makes me want to throw sharp things at people. Chris sent me an article about the "real" reason for all the Iran talk (changing over to the euro), and I'm divided in thought... the concept of the USA being number one is close to my heart when it comes to loyalty, I love this country in many ways - or perhaps, I love the power of being an American citizen. Either way, I am attached to being part of something that is (or, should be) great. and with that comes the realization that we are losing it, and we are losing our grasp on our way of life. We take it for granted that our country will always dominate the world, and the idea that we might lose that is vaguely uncomfortable. But at the same time, I see what we as a society, are doing to the rest of the world and wish that, even at the expense of our "greatness" we could gain some wisdom and foresight. I wish we could be a understanding and open minded as we proclaim ourselves to be, and I wish we had the humility as a society to see our faults. does that make me disloyal? of course not. I simply want us to be the best we can be (in a moral sense), and don't see us on a path that leads in that direction.
it's 3:23 in the morning, I finished doing a samurai sudoku twenty three minutes ago, I've got a typewriter (my birthday present from Chris) on my desk (and it works... sort of). I've started writing a letter to someone I was infatuated with once. my wall is plastered by black sharpie outlined thoughts, and my bulletin board has train tickets to Richmond and comic strips I've cut out. I'm anxious about certain things in my life, but I'm also in love with someone. six plants that manage to still be alive, even though we clipped some off of one of them last night for dinner, and bright red and orange sheets. I continue to ask questions at all the wrong moments, I want carrots to be in season, and I miss my mother.
but there is something so completely right about my life that I'm content.
How do I begin to describe this weekend? amazing? He came Friday around 8:30, enough time for me to finish up all the stuff I wanted/needed to do. Saturday we stayed in bed until 12, and then went out for food, looked at plants, came home, and went out and looked at more plants... somewhere in there we watched a movie and tickled each other a lot. We made dinner, or to be more exact, he made dinner and I did random things... and watched some movie while sipping white wine and cuddling... ended up getting tipsy and laughed a lot about it. *smiles* This morning he left at eight with the promise to come visit next weekend. (on his way to NYC for work and Dami) ... and we talked this evening for an hour (mostly evil plans for my aunt)
"well, I definitly like it better when you come here, less traveling for me" (chris) "I know, but I tend to be miserable when I go there..." (me) "..."(chris) "I just don't feel like I fit into your life, I feel out of place and annoyed at myself" (me)
I need to record this somewhere... not just because I want to share my happiness, but also because I want to record the happiness, the comfort, the calm I feel. We are honest with each other - and it feels good. I think, I hope, we've learned to poke fun at our (relationshipwise) inconstancies... I apologized for everything getting messed up with Dami. I don't like what happened, and I'm not happy with what she said to me, or what his response... but I do honestly feel bad that their friendship was hurt. And once again we talk about her... I'm not sure why, but it feels like she has always been, will always be, the third member in this relationship. Whether it's because we're purposefully NOT talking about her, or he's talking about her, or because she's the only real female friend he has... she's there in the background of our relationship. I think who he and I are is somehow tied up with her, and I wish I understood better.
It's safe to say, I'm not the person she knew. And what she said to me eight months ago has in many ways changed me. I'm also not the person Eric knew - and I wonder occasionally what I would say to him? "I don't know you, fuck off" seems to be my inclination... I find that although I'll always want closure, I don't really care any more.
my views on the world... I'm so angry right now about the continuation of the tax cuts, and the short sightedness of current politicians. I realize I tend to be a "big picture" kind of gal, but this detail, in-the-moment concept just makes me want to throw sharp things at people. Chris sent me an article about the "real" reason for all the Iran talk (changing over to the euro), and I'm divided in thought... the concept of the USA being number one is close to my heart when it comes to loyalty, I love this country in many ways - or perhaps, I love the power of being an American citizen. Either way, I am attached to being part of something that is (or, should be) great. and with that comes the realization that we are losing it, and we are losing our grasp on our way of life. We take it for granted that our country will always dominate the world, and the idea that we might lose that is vaguely uncomfortable. But at the same time, I see what we as a society, are doing to the rest of the world and wish that, even at the expense of our "greatness" we could gain some wisdom and foresight. I wish we could be a understanding and open minded as we proclaim ourselves to be, and I wish we had the humility as a society to see our faults. does that make me disloyal? of course not. I simply want us to be the best we can be (in a moral sense), and don't see us on a path that leads in that direction.
it's 3:23 in the morning, I finished doing a samurai sudoku twenty three minutes ago, I've got a typewriter (my birthday present from Chris) on my desk (and it works... sort of). I've started writing a letter to someone I was infatuated with once. my wall is plastered by black sharpie outlined thoughts, and my bulletin board has train tickets to Richmond and comic strips I've cut out. I'm anxious about certain things in my life, but I'm also in love with someone. six plants that manage to still be alive, even though we clipped some off of one of them last night for dinner, and bright red and orange sheets. I continue to ask questions at all the wrong moments, I want carrots to be in season, and I miss my mother.
but there is something so completely right about my life that I'm content.