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love is either magnificent, passionate and unexpected or it's best replaced for great literature, travelling, ideals. fuck all that needing to find someone. nobody needs to find anyone. if there's anyone to be found then it was never there, never meant to be, as love can only be true if it feels that there was never a begining. it's like rain; it ( Read more... )
As far as I'm concerned, however ... I don't know, maybe it's the wrong path to chose, but when I read books, talk to interesting people, etc, I feel myself expand, develop in different directions. When I sit at home, or even when I'm among people, and think of myself as alone, as in, without a relationship, it limits me, it drains my energy, drags my thoughts into some vicious circle, because then I see myself only as lacking something; incomplete, imperfect, unworthy. When it comes right down to it, I want to be able to look at a happy couple and not feel any negative emotions. I don't know if there'll ever be love in my future, but I want to be a... whole, perhaps a happy, person regardless. I must be able to to believe that this is possible.
(I'm not sure if this makes it any better, but I'm treating this journal as a real journal more often than not, noting things of mostly personal interest without further explanation or context... certainly not meant to be gospel for anyone else.)
On the other hand, though, part of me now wants to hastily delete this entry & hide myself under the next available rock in shame, because you're obviously a much more charitable and better person than I am.
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And anyway, it was not the "if you're not in a romantic relationship, you're not a complete person"-issue I was objecting to. I totally agree with that, and I think people who decide they CAN and WILL be complete persons in spite of what media, religions, ideologies, politicians are trying to sell them, are admirable and really very brave.
What irked me about juno's entry was the "love should be like this or that"-thing (I can't remember her exact words, but they don't really matter). Thoughts like these were exactly what KEPT me from love for a long time: it should be like a wave that washes over you; it should burn you; you should hear violin music... all these are childish notions, but still we cling to them, we reject the idea of a love for "convenience", of "good enough". If it's not the greatest romance of all times, I don't want it.
Of course, there's a difference to hopping form one relationship to the other merely out of fear of being alone. But then there's the reverse of the medal: never being in a relationship because none of them are perfect, because we're not swept right off our feet etc. The more the possibility of being effectively swept away diminish due to age and hormones, the more we cling to the notion...
Sometimes love begins with just a shrug and a thought of "ok, whatever". I speak out of experience here.
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As for the rest... *seufz* I'll keep that in mind, maybe it'll help. It's not that I exactly expect to be swept off my feet, & das ganze drumherum, never did, at any age. (I think. As far as I remember. Maybe I'm wrong.)
But the longer I turn this over in my mind, the more confused I get. I do have expectations, after all. A connection, maybe, someone who'd know me, all of me; and probably that's even more unrealistic than the fairy-tale prince, flowers, violins & whatnot scenario.
I'm not making very much sense tonight...
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So, now I have two mental notes:
1. Comment on Thomas Mann
2. Comment on this "connection"-business.
Hm. *insert inspiration here* I'll get back to you.
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