(no subject)
It's past 7 pm and I'm finally starting to feel like my brain is at least partly online again and there's more going on in my head than resounding echoes and the chirping of crickets. Woke up today after about nine hours of sleep feeling completely, utterly blank, not a brain-cell reporting for duty; read an Icelandic crime novel and part of Another Life, which so far seems at least better written and more in character than the dreary Slow Decay, which took me I don't know how many lunch breaks to get through, because I couldn't even be bothered to take it home again with me. (God forbid we should have a character who looks like a normal person, even if it's a male character. That obviously means he must be saddled with issues about his weight and body image immediately. Gah.) Tried to learn Russian vocabulary with the CD I bought, not sure how much actually stuck. Homework still needs to be done. Couldn't even gather up the energy to continue my ep.12/23 review, which is getting frighteningly lengthy.
M. has been on holiday for the past two weeks, but there's been a public holiday in each of them, so it's not as if I'd been working all that much to give me an excuse for being that kind of tired.
Saw my niece on Thursday, and the problem (because apparently I can't function without creating problems for myself) is now that she actually seems to really like me and has even found a name for me (Noni, because the fr in Vroni doesn't really work yet), I'm getting stressed about not being a perfect aunt. I keep thinking I should, I don't know, invent games? (but can't) tell stories? (can't either, no imagination), while what I'm mostly doing at this point is look what she's doing or wants to do, and go a long with it. Which seems to be fine with her, but I'm kind of waiting for her to discover that she's been wrong about me. My sister says I'm crazy. She's probably right, too. And it's exhausting. After an afternoon at my sister's I'm always drained and depressed for reasons I haven't been able to determine yet. I guess part of the problem is that my sister and I don't really have much in common at all. Searching for kids' stuff in online shops while my niece is having her nap frankly bores my to tears.
I guess I should stick to the fanish stuff because apparently I'm simply incapable of interacting with other people.
What irritates me is that when I'm in this state of mind I don't even have the energy to address any of the issues of my life that need addressing (or start looking for an apartment, for that matter). It's this vague schizophrenic mental state where I just go on, a bit mindlessly, and at the same time have vague thoughts about suicide that I know I won't act upon, but which are oddly comforting nonetheless. Not really being part of life, or even wanting to be.
I need at least some days off to get in a mood to write, to find inspiration, to be myself. I don't have the energy for any of that after eight hours of work. Yes, I know I'm whining. China, Burma, etc. Yes, I know there are billions of people who are having it a lot worse and would be glad to change places with me. And no, I don't have an excuse except maybe that I've sort of thrown out my back on unpacking too many books on Wednesday and for the last two days every step has been more or less painful. And had an extremely boring evening with Ch. and two of her friends yesterday, that I didn't have the courage to excuse myself from with some kind of lie. I seriously need to write a list of excuses, rehearse them and possibly stick the list to my computer so that I have something ready the next time she calls inviting me for something like this.