(no subject)
Three days, and already it's like it never happened. Tired and grumpy, and (co-worker) B. will probably be quitting soon, which is good for her, but not so good for me since she is actually someone I like and enjoy working with, and in all probability the replacement will be some bubbly 19-year-old with whom I'll find nothing whatsoever to talk about.
And it made me once again think that I should be looking for a different job, at least try to acquire some additional skills, but the problem is there is nothing I really want to do, have to do -- that one goal, that one grand vision you'd be willing to make sacrifices for, and I can't face the prospect of spending the greater part of my free time that I feel I desperately need for my life to be at least tolerable learning something that doesn't interest me either. I simply don't have the energy.
And so I whine about this year after year after year, with no solution in sight, and not being able to fully resign myself to the situation, either.
The problem is that I never really expected much from my life family/relationship wise. There was the vague expectation of getting married and having children when I grew up, but it was never really clear, and then of course the state of my parents' marriage didn't exactly encourage me to believe/trust in relationships. But what I always expected was to have a job that would be in some respect was meaningful, where I'd get some sort of recognition and fulfillment. I guess that's at least partly due to the fact that in the relationship with my parents achievement was always so very important; I don't remember much affection, but I remember praise when I brought home good grades. I'm still struggling with this, to the point where I'm not sure if it's the fact that I'm falling short of my expectations that's bothering me so much, or that my father is embarrassed by how my life turned out.
And some days or weeks it's really okay, but sometimes it kills me that I'm frittering away my life in this boring job that offers neither a challenge, satisfaction, the possibility of advancement nor even good pay and whose only advantage is that it could be worse and doesn't take up any of my time and energy beyond the hours I spend there. In Russian class I watch all these people with their important (and presumably well-paid) bank jobs and computer jobs and whatnot struggling, and not that I don't study (but not all that much either) or that I don't make mistakes, but grasping the basic principle is really easy for me. I'm not saying I'm super brilliant, but I have a certain amount of intelligence, and I'm doing fuck nothing with it. I'm squandering my life, whatever talents I have, because I'm too scared to change, to scared to take a risk, too scared not to play it totally safe. Because I lose interest, because I just don't care enough about anything, including my life, because I simply can't get my shit together.
I don't mean to come off as entitled, as if I deserved anything different, because obviously I don't, but I know I could do (or at least could have done) things differently, except that apparently I can't.
And while age has never bothered me so far, the upcoming birthday makes me feel for the first time as if I'm running out of time fast. There is so much of my life that needs fixing, all the central elements, work, love, a relationship, are missing or faulty, and I don't know where to even start, it frightens and overwhelms me.