Does heartbreak ever go away?
It is now a heavy feeling in my chest. A neverending sadness in my heart. I could end it now and it would be over, but I am waiting. These are the types of days I live every day now. The dark circles under my eyes do not goaway, I don't sleep, then at other times I just drop to the bed and close my eyes, eventually I drift. I know I'm doing the proper thing. I wish I had never known the love of a child. Its a terrible thing to say, but how different life would be if I just didn't remember how it felt to have giggling children crawling all over me going to the zoo and stoping at each animal exibit to read about where they came from...If I could forget going to Thanksgiving dinner at their school. Making feathered headbands and pilgrim caps, for cheers and laughter, now for saddness and anger. I wish I were dead, that my heart would just stop. That my mind would erase all the joy so my heart wouldnt have to feel so much pain. It will never be the same, because IT JUST CAN'T. IT was what it was, no matter how hard I ache for all those happy things. I am a failure, a wrapper that once was full of everything good. ANd if I had a million dollars I would still feel sad, because there is NO amount of money which would make me happy. I once thought I could be always pleased and comfortable if I had lots of money. Perhaps if I had not known what it was to hold a baby, money would bring me to that point of pure joy. Now I would tear up each and every dollar if I could just forget. If I knew I could get rid of this emptiness, this foolishness, and the anger. I would pay every last penny to anyone who could make me happy by helping me to forget.