"My Adepts stand upright; their heads above the heavens, their feet below the hells."
A lot has been changing recently. And much more change is still to come.
I am an individual who has a natural aversion to change. I like routine, safety, predictability.. familiarity. I have been growing much and learning how to let go of my attachments and be okay with transition and loss. but sometimes, with these big things, i still find it so difficult.
Spiritual, i have been changing. much. this began nearly two years ago now.. when I met D. he quickly became my friend, my teacher, my brother, and my mentor. and he opened my eyes to a new path that i had never thought was even possible before.. though now, looking back myself, it seems i was always desiring it. almost like i was made for this path, but i just had to brake through the fetters of my upbringing.
i am the living stone. i am the broken one.
though i limp, i am made whole.
my eyes have been opened,
i tread upon a thunderstorm.
enemies, move aside, or i will tear you limb from limb.
it's hard to write now, these thoughts have been churning and coalescing in my thoughts for months, and now they want to come out, when my body is most exhausted.
I've been reading the biography of Aleister Crowley. the real biography, the one by tobias churton. it's amazing how much the man has been blackened and defamed. though, if you look at it through the perspective of him as a truth-bearer, it makes complete sense.
he journaled profusely. i think that reading the biography is actually what prompted me to write at this moment.
that, and my other recent experiences with writing.
Crowley really was an incredible, inspiring man. as i walked around new york this past week, with my feet bruised, blistered, and bleeding, every step was agony. but i pressed on, thinking to myself, "Crowley climbed K2 with malaria. don't be a wimp."
a lot of things have been changing. a lot more are still to change.
relationships are a different beast. one i am not eager to tame. there is P, who i want to be free of. but somehow cannot find the strength to do it. there is JS, who seems to be everything i ever wanted.. but she hangs in front of my face, unmoving, like a carrot on a string. "look, but don't touch. this will never be yours." It makes me wonder why she even exists. and then there is A, who haunts my dreams. i feel that she will never leave me, even though she is thousands of miles away.
i'm sorry i never really put the effort into capitalization. i just don't really give a shit.
i am now beginning my final semester of university. i am simultaneous immensely relieved and profoundly scared. also, again.. just the thought of the transition to come weighs so heavy on my soul. it saps the life out of me, when i know it should be invigorating.
i think i am terrified to give up my home. it means letting go of safety, of childhood, of innocence… i'm not sure yet what i will find to take the place of these things in the future. adventure? independence? i want exploration. but i mostly want peace, i think.
i have to continue to read, and study. i have to continue to grow. i have to sunder the veil, and cross the abyss.
i think i will write more tomorrow. or maybe the next day.
i have been compiling some of my stupid poetry into a small book. i hope to one day arrange the poems with little illustrations and self-publish a book which will sit and collect dust on my coffee table. i think that would make me happy.
i'll end tonight with one from the dusty book to come.
Every night I try to coax my dreams to carry me
far across the midnight sea, over tides of stars
and pools of dying suns,
into your soft arms.
I search for you beyond the mists,
I call for you behind the veil.
I run the lines
and fill the sail
with breath from my song.
I beg the flowing winds of mind
to bear me far away from here
and near to you.
For the intimations of the night are divine,
and you are my heaven.
Love is the law, Love under Will.
suenos dulces,
j dog.
I am an individual who has a natural aversion to change. I like routine, safety, predictability.. familiarity. I have been growing much and learning how to let go of my attachments and be okay with transition and loss. but sometimes, with these big things, i still find it so difficult.
Spiritual, i have been changing. much. this began nearly two years ago now.. when I met D. he quickly became my friend, my teacher, my brother, and my mentor. and he opened my eyes to a new path that i had never thought was even possible before.. though now, looking back myself, it seems i was always desiring it. almost like i was made for this path, but i just had to brake through the fetters of my upbringing.
i am the living stone. i am the broken one.
though i limp, i am made whole.
my eyes have been opened,
i tread upon a thunderstorm.
enemies, move aside, or i will tear you limb from limb.
it's hard to write now, these thoughts have been churning and coalescing in my thoughts for months, and now they want to come out, when my body is most exhausted.
I've been reading the biography of Aleister Crowley. the real biography, the one by tobias churton. it's amazing how much the man has been blackened and defamed. though, if you look at it through the perspective of him as a truth-bearer, it makes complete sense.
he journaled profusely. i think that reading the biography is actually what prompted me to write at this moment.
that, and my other recent experiences with writing.
Crowley really was an incredible, inspiring man. as i walked around new york this past week, with my feet bruised, blistered, and bleeding, every step was agony. but i pressed on, thinking to myself, "Crowley climbed K2 with malaria. don't be a wimp."
a lot of things have been changing. a lot more are still to change.
relationships are a different beast. one i am not eager to tame. there is P, who i want to be free of. but somehow cannot find the strength to do it. there is JS, who seems to be everything i ever wanted.. but she hangs in front of my face, unmoving, like a carrot on a string. "look, but don't touch. this will never be yours." It makes me wonder why she even exists. and then there is A, who haunts my dreams. i feel that she will never leave me, even though she is thousands of miles away.
i'm sorry i never really put the effort into capitalization. i just don't really give a shit.
i am now beginning my final semester of university. i am simultaneous immensely relieved and profoundly scared. also, again.. just the thought of the transition to come weighs so heavy on my soul. it saps the life out of me, when i know it should be invigorating.
i think i am terrified to give up my home. it means letting go of safety, of childhood, of innocence… i'm not sure yet what i will find to take the place of these things in the future. adventure? independence? i want exploration. but i mostly want peace, i think.
i have to continue to read, and study. i have to continue to grow. i have to sunder the veil, and cross the abyss.
i think i will write more tomorrow. or maybe the next day.
i have been compiling some of my stupid poetry into a small book. i hope to one day arrange the poems with little illustrations and self-publish a book which will sit and collect dust on my coffee table. i think that would make me happy.
i'll end tonight with one from the dusty book to come.
Every night I try to coax my dreams to carry me
far across the midnight sea, over tides of stars
and pools of dying suns,
into your soft arms.
I search for you beyond the mists,
I call for you behind the veil.
I run the lines
and fill the sail
with breath from my song.
I beg the flowing winds of mind
to bear me far away from here
and near to you.
For the intimations of the night are divine,
and you are my heaven.
Love is the law, Love under Will.
suenos dulces,
j dog.