return (weight rant)
I'm paying for my recent spate of voracious eating with weight gain and the return of my period. I know this indicates health, but I feel so Goddamned h-u-g-e. Part of my is proud for gaining this necessary weight, but I am so self-concious about it.
I exercised for the first time in ages today - it felt so good. I have been off regular exerise since my period stopped (I was only walking/running 5 times a week before, but I couldn't see the point in continuing to exercise regularly when I couldn't keep weight on and it was getting a bit compulsive.) I went out today for a long walk with Chris and I jogged the last 1.5-2km home. It was such a relief to get my blood pumping after so long. I'm going to let myself go out a little more often now that I am at a healthier weight. I have to admit that my instant response to my current weight was to restrict, and I guess I am overcompensating a little today. I had fruit with cereal and yoghurt for breakfast and I have had a w/w sticky date pudding for lunch, but I swear I have been on pms auto-pilot for the past few days. I have been stuffing anything and everything into my mouth.
I went out for dinner with the family last night - Mum is currently on her way back to the Mothe country for her Mum's 80th Birthday celebrations. She'll miss Mother's Day here, so we all went out to the 'local' pub to celebrate in lieu. It was a good night - I had funny convos with Sarah and Dave and Mum seems in such a better mood than she has been. She cried a little bit when I left, but I was tearing up a bit myself. I'll miss my Mum- I love her to bits, and I know she will be missing us. I hope she has a fantastic time. One good thing about my gain is that it was pretty obvious last night. I got some comments on my irregular bustiness and I think my face is looking fuller. I don't think Mum will be too worried leaving me to my own devices. I have been taking care of myself a lot better lately.
The weight gaining is a problem though. I just don't know why I can't maintain a 'normal' weight for my height. I feel huge right now and I am still waaay under where I am supposed to be. I don't want to gain more. I just like being light - I feel more acceptable this way.
I'm not loving winter - it has just been so cold that I have been half-assed about my safe foods. When it is as bleak and miserable outside as it has been lately I just get hungry. I want to compensate for the miserable weather by filling myself with foods. Chris and I shared donuts yesterday - they were awesome, but I feel so reckless in consuming something so *bad*. I have gained weight so quickly. It unsettles me that a month ago I existed almost 10lbs lighter.
I'm ashamed of being 'normal'.
I exercised for the first time in ages today - it felt so good. I have been off regular exerise since my period stopped (I was only walking/running 5 times a week before, but I couldn't see the point in continuing to exercise regularly when I couldn't keep weight on and it was getting a bit compulsive.) I went out today for a long walk with Chris and I jogged the last 1.5-2km home. It was such a relief to get my blood pumping after so long. I'm going to let myself go out a little more often now that I am at a healthier weight. I have to admit that my instant response to my current weight was to restrict, and I guess I am overcompensating a little today. I had fruit with cereal and yoghurt for breakfast and I have had a w/w sticky date pudding for lunch, but I swear I have been on pms auto-pilot for the past few days. I have been stuffing anything and everything into my mouth.
I went out for dinner with the family last night - Mum is currently on her way back to the Mothe country for her Mum's 80th Birthday celebrations. She'll miss Mother's Day here, so we all went out to the 'local' pub to celebrate in lieu. It was a good night - I had funny convos with Sarah and Dave and Mum seems in such a better mood than she has been. She cried a little bit when I left, but I was tearing up a bit myself. I'll miss my Mum- I love her to bits, and I know she will be missing us. I hope she has a fantastic time. One good thing about my gain is that it was pretty obvious last night. I got some comments on my irregular bustiness and I think my face is looking fuller. I don't think Mum will be too worried leaving me to my own devices. I have been taking care of myself a lot better lately.
The weight gaining is a problem though. I just don't know why I can't maintain a 'normal' weight for my height. I feel huge right now and I am still waaay under where I am supposed to be. I don't want to gain more. I just like being light - I feel more acceptable this way.
I'm not loving winter - it has just been so cold that I have been half-assed about my safe foods. When it is as bleak and miserable outside as it has been lately I just get hungry. I want to compensate for the miserable weather by filling myself with foods. Chris and I shared donuts yesterday - they were awesome, but I feel so reckless in consuming something so *bad*. I have gained weight so quickly. It unsettles me that a month ago I existed almost 10lbs lighter.
I'm ashamed of being 'normal'.