~schism~ (pics)
I wish I could say that things are looking up. I hate waking up so miserable in winter. Grey mornings, grey skies, grey life... I don't stand a chance if the sun isn't shining.
It doesn't help that I'm extremely nervous about my Doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am actually considering telling a teensy weight lie: When I was sick last week I lost about 2kg in two days, well I gained back one of them. I'm going to tell him that I lost and got down to XX, but I am going to tell him that I am now XX+2. Maybe then he will see through the fact that I still weigh less than the last time I saw him, despite the fact I promised to gain. Shit. I don't know what I'm doing. He's one of the only Doctors in the state that deals exclusively with EDs - He'll see it written all over my face.
I'm not really happy about the gain (of a whole kilo!). I knew it was going to happen after I dropped so quickly when I was ill, but I didn't exactly help myself. I freaked out a little bit about the quick loss, how I was going to explain it (to my parents and my therapist) and how I was going hide it and what happened if I liked it. So I ate voraciously on Friday. I'm actually a teensy bit proud of myself because I ate pizza. I. Ate. Pizza. Chris and I ordered a pizza. I had two slices and ate them really slowly - trying to enjoy it and not think about all of the fat grams/calories buzzing around in my system. It wasn't too bad. I had one slice on Saturday and another on Sunday. This is the first time that I have digested pizza in about 5 years. I avoided it like the plague when I was restricting, and I always, always had to purge pizza when I was purging - right up until I stopped most recently. The last meal I purged was pizza back on Dec 31st. This is a big step for me. Pizza and I have never had a good relationship. Right back to the pre-ED days of the Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat salad bars - I always stuffed myself in those situations as a kid - until I felt physically sick. We didn't get 'junky food' often and so when we did I just wouldn't stop eating.
I was really hungry yesterday and tried not to deprieve myself of anything, but it was HARD. I don't want to feel like I am gorging - I still feel fat, even if I am not by certain standards. I just grazed throughout the day. I'm probably over-compensating for it today. I had a pear (Oooh Laura's mixing it up!) with a couple of teaspoons of Greek Yoghurt and a sprinkle of Crunchola for breakfast and, Oops - that is all. It's almost 3pm. Fuck - I hate winter so much - It makes me cold, it makes me hungry and it makes me sad. It makes me feel as if binging is inevitable and I don't want to succomb to it.
Here are some photos of Zap in his little 'wife-beater' (a.k.a singlet/vest). For those of you who don't know - No, I am not one of those crazy ladies whos dresses up her cat! He is wearing a shirt to stop himself from scratching (what was) a huge sore on his back. It seems as if the sore was caused by a food allergy because he has made some amazing progress. His fur is growing back (yay - no more baldy-cat!) and he hasn't developed any irritation since we started feeding him the allergy-free diet.
Oh and one of Chris with this giant snake lolly that we bought. They were 90cm of pure grossness. They were awful! We wasted $2 each on them. Lame!
Things to buy:
Simpsons s7
Yeah Yeah Yeah's new album
Atreyu's new album
The Vines new album?
New hair dye (Stupid clairol promised SIX weeks - I got maybe three!)
It doesn't help that I'm extremely nervous about my Doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am actually considering telling a teensy weight lie: When I was sick last week I lost about 2kg in two days, well I gained back one of them. I'm going to tell him that I lost and got down to XX, but I am going to tell him that I am now XX+2. Maybe then he will see through the fact that I still weigh less than the last time I saw him, despite the fact I promised to gain. Shit. I don't know what I'm doing. He's one of the only Doctors in the state that deals exclusively with EDs - He'll see it written all over my face.
I'm not really happy about the gain (of a whole kilo!). I knew it was going to happen after I dropped so quickly when I was ill, but I didn't exactly help myself. I freaked out a little bit about the quick loss, how I was going to explain it (to my parents and my therapist) and how I was going hide it and what happened if I liked it. So I ate voraciously on Friday. I'm actually a teensy bit proud of myself because I ate pizza. I. Ate. Pizza. Chris and I ordered a pizza. I had two slices and ate them really slowly - trying to enjoy it and not think about all of the fat grams/calories buzzing around in my system. It wasn't too bad. I had one slice on Saturday and another on Sunday. This is the first time that I have digested pizza in about 5 years. I avoided it like the plague when I was restricting, and I always, always had to purge pizza when I was purging - right up until I stopped most recently. The last meal I purged was pizza back on Dec 31st. This is a big step for me. Pizza and I have never had a good relationship. Right back to the pre-ED days of the Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat salad bars - I always stuffed myself in those situations as a kid - until I felt physically sick. We didn't get 'junky food' often and so when we did I just wouldn't stop eating.
I was really hungry yesterday and tried not to deprieve myself of anything, but it was HARD. I don't want to feel like I am gorging - I still feel fat, even if I am not by certain standards. I just grazed throughout the day. I'm probably over-compensating for it today. I had a pear (Oooh Laura's mixing it up!) with a couple of teaspoons of Greek Yoghurt and a sprinkle of Crunchola for breakfast and, Oops - that is all. It's almost 3pm. Fuck - I hate winter so much - It makes me cold, it makes me hungry and it makes me sad. It makes me feel as if binging is inevitable and I don't want to succomb to it.
Here are some photos of Zap in his little 'wife-beater' (a.k.a singlet/vest). For those of you who don't know - No, I am not one of those crazy ladies whos dresses up her cat! He is wearing a shirt to stop himself from scratching (what was) a huge sore on his back. It seems as if the sore was caused by a food allergy because he has made some amazing progress. His fur is growing back (yay - no more baldy-cat!) and he hasn't developed any irritation since we started feeding him the allergy-free diet.
Oh and one of Chris with this giant snake lolly that we bought. They were 90cm of pure grossness. They were awful! We wasted $2 each on them. Lame!
Things to buy:
Simpsons s7
Yeah Yeah Yeah's new album
Atreyu's new album
The Vines new album?
New hair dye (Stupid clairol promised SIX weeks - I got maybe three!)