Unloading some thoughts
Marne lost her job in December 2014, and I've been stressed out. She's worked in two different temp jobs so far - which is better than none that's for damn sure. Still, the lack of permanence is stressful.
From late 2013 to December 2014 things had been fine. I was content with our living situation, we could afford what we wanted, she could spend money on me without overdrawing her bank account ... we were even planning to go to Australia this year.
I remember thinking that if she lost this job I wouldn't be able to stay.
I'm tired and I feel trapped under our clutter. I want to clear a bunch of it, but Marne tends towards the hoarding end of things.
It's a complicated ball of yarn that she and I are talking about with our therapist. That's probably the most beautiful thing we have - we openly communicate.
Ever since my dad died I'm "passively suicidal" to varying degrees - I pray for cancer, an injury, a disaster ... I don't do anything active towards ending it hence is why I call it "passive".
If the ability to go back in time after death were real; I would have killed myself by now just to start over and be in childhood again.
I do that with everything, when it doesn't go the way I imagined, or isn't good enough, or I start feeling trapped - I hit the reset button and delete things to start completely over.
What I've been worried about is thinking I lost so much when I divorced Simon. I want to live in England - I have since I lived there way back in 2001-2002. It's been more on the surface since Marne lost her job.
I left a stain on Simon's life, and I'm leaving one in Marne's. The nieces and nephews here love me, but I'm going to wreck them in some way.
That's how it feels to me.
I'm telling myself that the grass always looks greener on the other side, that there are things I can do here and now to improve my life.
From late 2013 to December 2014 things had been fine. I was content with our living situation, we could afford what we wanted, she could spend money on me without overdrawing her bank account ... we were even planning to go to Australia this year.
I remember thinking that if she lost this job I wouldn't be able to stay.
I'm tired and I feel trapped under our clutter. I want to clear a bunch of it, but Marne tends towards the hoarding end of things.
It's a complicated ball of yarn that she and I are talking about with our therapist. That's probably the most beautiful thing we have - we openly communicate.
Ever since my dad died I'm "passively suicidal" to varying degrees - I pray for cancer, an injury, a disaster ... I don't do anything active towards ending it hence is why I call it "passive".
If the ability to go back in time after death were real; I would have killed myself by now just to start over and be in childhood again.
I do that with everything, when it doesn't go the way I imagined, or isn't good enough, or I start feeling trapped - I hit the reset button and delete things to start completely over.
What I've been worried about is thinking I lost so much when I divorced Simon. I want to live in England - I have since I lived there way back in 2001-2002. It's been more on the surface since Marne lost her job.
I left a stain on Simon's life, and I'm leaving one in Marne's. The nieces and nephews here love me, but I'm going to wreck them in some way.
That's how it feels to me.
I'm telling myself that the grass always looks greener on the other side, that there are things I can do here and now to improve my life.