Rant: Self Exploration of my own Love Life.
Intro: Hey guys, this one's a little different. I felt like I needed to get some emotions out and this is what came out. It turned into a bit of advice giving / what I believe in the end, so I'm going to leave it AS IS. I'd love any comments or suggestions you may have of what your takes on issues are or even... questions that maybe I could ask myself to further explore why I am the way I am or what's driving me to do things.
Of course, if you feel you have a similar story or want to share something with me for advice or for someone else's advice (who reads this) feel free to do that too.
If you're annoyed I tagged you in this, please remember I'm only doing it so that you'll see your name and have opportunity to read the damn article. If I tagged you I have reasons, and if I didn't tag you I either forgot or I had reasons not to, but it's probably not that I didn't want you to read it.
Anyway, read on, enjoy, reflect, and please send back comments! Thanks, I do love you all dearly. <3
-Jonathan
Self Exploration of my own Love Life:
I'm writing this because I don't know.
I don't know why I feel this sad emptiness from time to time.
I don't know why I want someone so badly.
I really... don't know anything about myself.
It's like sometimes I do. Sometimes I have myself all figured out, know exactly what I want and need to do to get there.
Actually, that's really never happened.
Perhaps I should explain the problem.
Probably since age... I dunno, let's try five, I seem to have always been looking for a girlfriend. Is there something wrong with that? Is it crazy? Well here's the fun part. I have no idea why.
It's like... I can't begin to describe WHY i like someone or what I expect to get from a relationship. I mean, if I started dating someone, what would really come out of it? What would they be like to me, like a close friend? Someone I'm attracted to in more ways than one of the many ways (Spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, physically), I suppose.
But it's like... over the last few months, or what seems like a few months, I've sorta been soul searching to no avail. I feel empty. I feel alone. I want a relationship. But the counter-question to any of these, WHY, eludes me.
And it's not just that either. I do want a relationship, but what am I looking for in one? Do i want someone to just distract me, or is it that I feel i really want someone attentive to me? Someone who gives a damn who I am and tries to figure out why i am the way I am, because my 6 years of trying has left me pretty clueless. Or maybe I'm interested in only a physical/sexual relationship? Just interested in fucking and making out? Honestly, I can't answer these questions.
I mean of course I CAN, but are those really my answers? My answers and thoughts and feelings turn on the drop of a dime. But why? One day all I am is horny and the next I want someone to be with and talk to. What the hell?
And why does this always have such a fucking profound effect on me? Seriously, you can rarely insult me or make me seriously angry, sad, or hurt unless you pull out my love life and throw it in my face.
But of course, sometimes, I don't need anyone to throw it in my face. It's already right in front of me.
What do I honestly want in a relationship? I'm gonna just go through the points and my thoughts at the moment on it.
Sure right now I have someone in mind, but that could change. But what would I want? Hmm. Let's look at the things i brought up earlier. What major attatchments can one have?
Spiritually, Emotionally, Intellectually, Sexually / Physically (these two are tied together).
And for kicks, I'm adding Personally. You'll see what i mean when I get to it.
Spiritually, i guess I just mean that they believe in SOMETHING, and they're comfortable enough in it that we can get along. It doesn't need to match, it's just I feel like we always have to have faith in something in order to get through our day.
Emotionally... yeah I guess a big deal to me. I wish they would understand the emotions I have and why I have them, and hope they feel them too. I suppose when you watch a movie if you cry in the same scenes that I do, that would be an emotional sorta bond. I have that with one person, and I hope never to lose it. I wonder, though, if maybe someday that'll help us start a relationship, should we want to.
Intellectually advanced. Someone who challenges my mind to think, i guess. Or at least, someone I can talk to. Gossip, philosophize, ponder, question, doubt, tell stories, discuss anything, debate controversial issue, or even argue (assuming it's more friendly than angry arguing, but not saying we won't seriously argue). Someone that talking to never gets old.
Sexually / Physically? I dunno. I'm on the wall about this one. Honestly, no matter what I see this only going as far as my "other" would want it to. I just... I can't bear to ask more than they're willing to do, nor push more on them than they're willing to accept. It scares me that some people don't see it the way I do, but it's just... sex isn't as important to me. Playing around, while fun... isn't the type of thing I want to do 24/7. And not something we'd be able to do for the rest of our lives (Hold onto that thought, I will revisit this). Of course, I want physical contact, though. It'd kill me not to be able to give a hug or hold hands... the simple things. A kiss from time to time? Making out? Some of these are hit or miss depending on my mood, so they could be variable, but I still... I miss it.
Personally. I mentioned earlier I want them to "get" me. Know why the fuck I am as fucked up as I am. And maybe not fucked up in a bad way, but still... I want to get to know her in and out as well as she knows me, and I do feel it's easier when you aren't the person you're trying to analyze, but still. That's what I meant earlier when i mentioned someone spending time being attentive to me. finding out about my interests and at least why i like them... that's definitely something my last girlfriend didn't care to do.
*Sigh*. Thinking of her makes me angry so I'll move on. I won't elaborate as to why. If she wants to know she can fucking ask me herself. If YOU want to know why, i may tell you if I trust you enough.
A friend of mine here told me that she sees people she would marry as different from who she would date... is that... true?
I mean... I always figured one led into the other. What if... what if they are different? I think, personally, I'd be fucked then because I believe that one leads into another. Of course, my last girlfriend, until i realized how different we were I thought oh boy, i could see myself marrying her. BIG MISTAKE to be that naive. Seriously.
But, honestly... I think dating is sort of our way of finding out whether they could be the person you could stand to wake up to every morning. And some people can't, which explains our high divorce rate. But... I believe it can work if people work AT it.
I've always believed in finding that... sort of unspeakable true love that's deep, and hard to touch. Hard to get to, hard to understand, but not hard to feel. Knowing that you have this relationship that goes beyond words... one that would last forever.
I haven't found that yet. I hope to someday. In the meantime, I feel like all I can really confide in is myself every time I get really un....happy? Not upset, but not happy. Just sort of a dull reflective almost emo state. Not energetic. Not bouncing with joy. Not in deep sadness... just... somewhere in Limbo.
In case anyone wondered, thats where I went tonight. I wandered the grounds until i was fed up with wandering and thinking and came back here to my room. I dunno what else i can do, except to write; and write i have.
One more thing I feel I should touch on is sex before marriage. I would go back and add it in, but what I like about these is they flow well.
Do I believe in sex before marriage? I think... after getting aquainted slightly more with it, I feel like it should be done. I mean... think about it. You have to know if you're going to connect sexually and/or if it's something that's important to you as a couple or as individuals. Through experimentations with my ex, although at first our general idea was "wow, if we have sex it'll be amazing" i began to have my doubts, just based on her performance in what we already did (and since we didn't do a TON, the hints were quite subtle).
But imagine it this way... if intellectual conversations were something you thought important to you in marriage, or communication even, would you go through your whole dating career with that person without speaking a word to each other before you got married and try it out afterward?
For anyone young, I'm definitely not promoting promiscuity. I think sleeping around or being a slut in either gender isn't a good idea. I do believe, however, if you have a committed partner, and you've been together long enough and through at least a couple fights to know each other well enough, i think it would be a good idea to go farther if you both want to. Before marriage. Pregnancy could be a risk factor, but I still believe it's essential to knowing the other person well. Honestly, you don't REALLY know a person TRULY well until you sleep with them, right?
And I don't mean just oh, well we've been together for a year... let's have sex and see what happens. No. It should be eased into. Maybe if you've come close a couple times, you're prepared enough to know you could go all the way. If you've experimented with... shall we say "other methods" of sex, then it's possible you could be ready for it. But don't jump into it with someone. Ease into it, make sure you're both comfortable with each other and where you're going to go.
So fucking hell I start by talking about myself and get into all of this random shit. Whatever. My problems may never be fixed, but tomorrow I'll probably feel amazingly better regardless even though nothing will change. Although, I suppose since I will get to see someone who I believe does have an effect on me tomorrow, maybe that will help. Who fucking knows.
Of course, if you feel you have a similar story or want to share something with me for advice or for someone else's advice (who reads this) feel free to do that too.
If you're annoyed I tagged you in this, please remember I'm only doing it so that you'll see your name and have opportunity to read the damn article. If I tagged you I have reasons, and if I didn't tag you I either forgot or I had reasons not to, but it's probably not that I didn't want you to read it.
Anyway, read on, enjoy, reflect, and please send back comments! Thanks, I do love you all dearly. <3
-Jonathan
Self Exploration of my own Love Life:
I'm writing this because I don't know.
I don't know why I feel this sad emptiness from time to time.
I don't know why I want someone so badly.
I really... don't know anything about myself.
It's like sometimes I do. Sometimes I have myself all figured out, know exactly what I want and need to do to get there.
Actually, that's really never happened.
Perhaps I should explain the problem.
Probably since age... I dunno, let's try five, I seem to have always been looking for a girlfriend. Is there something wrong with that? Is it crazy? Well here's the fun part. I have no idea why.
It's like... I can't begin to describe WHY i like someone or what I expect to get from a relationship. I mean, if I started dating someone, what would really come out of it? What would they be like to me, like a close friend? Someone I'm attracted to in more ways than one of the many ways (Spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, physically), I suppose.
But it's like... over the last few months, or what seems like a few months, I've sorta been soul searching to no avail. I feel empty. I feel alone. I want a relationship. But the counter-question to any of these, WHY, eludes me.
And it's not just that either. I do want a relationship, but what am I looking for in one? Do i want someone to just distract me, or is it that I feel i really want someone attentive to me? Someone who gives a damn who I am and tries to figure out why i am the way I am, because my 6 years of trying has left me pretty clueless. Or maybe I'm interested in only a physical/sexual relationship? Just interested in fucking and making out? Honestly, I can't answer these questions.
I mean of course I CAN, but are those really my answers? My answers and thoughts and feelings turn on the drop of a dime. But why? One day all I am is horny and the next I want someone to be with and talk to. What the hell?
And why does this always have such a fucking profound effect on me? Seriously, you can rarely insult me or make me seriously angry, sad, or hurt unless you pull out my love life and throw it in my face.
But of course, sometimes, I don't need anyone to throw it in my face. It's already right in front of me.
What do I honestly want in a relationship? I'm gonna just go through the points and my thoughts at the moment on it.
Sure right now I have someone in mind, but that could change. But what would I want? Hmm. Let's look at the things i brought up earlier. What major attatchments can one have?
Spiritually, Emotionally, Intellectually, Sexually / Physically (these two are tied together).
And for kicks, I'm adding Personally. You'll see what i mean when I get to it.
Spiritually, i guess I just mean that they believe in SOMETHING, and they're comfortable enough in it that we can get along. It doesn't need to match, it's just I feel like we always have to have faith in something in order to get through our day.
Emotionally... yeah I guess a big deal to me. I wish they would understand the emotions I have and why I have them, and hope they feel them too. I suppose when you watch a movie if you cry in the same scenes that I do, that would be an emotional sorta bond. I have that with one person, and I hope never to lose it. I wonder, though, if maybe someday that'll help us start a relationship, should we want to.
Intellectually advanced. Someone who challenges my mind to think, i guess. Or at least, someone I can talk to. Gossip, philosophize, ponder, question, doubt, tell stories, discuss anything, debate controversial issue, or even argue (assuming it's more friendly than angry arguing, but not saying we won't seriously argue). Someone that talking to never gets old.
Sexually / Physically? I dunno. I'm on the wall about this one. Honestly, no matter what I see this only going as far as my "other" would want it to. I just... I can't bear to ask more than they're willing to do, nor push more on them than they're willing to accept. It scares me that some people don't see it the way I do, but it's just... sex isn't as important to me. Playing around, while fun... isn't the type of thing I want to do 24/7. And not something we'd be able to do for the rest of our lives (Hold onto that thought, I will revisit this). Of course, I want physical contact, though. It'd kill me not to be able to give a hug or hold hands... the simple things. A kiss from time to time? Making out? Some of these are hit or miss depending on my mood, so they could be variable, but I still... I miss it.
Personally. I mentioned earlier I want them to "get" me. Know why the fuck I am as fucked up as I am. And maybe not fucked up in a bad way, but still... I want to get to know her in and out as well as she knows me, and I do feel it's easier when you aren't the person you're trying to analyze, but still. That's what I meant earlier when i mentioned someone spending time being attentive to me. finding out about my interests and at least why i like them... that's definitely something my last girlfriend didn't care to do.
*Sigh*. Thinking of her makes me angry so I'll move on. I won't elaborate as to why. If she wants to know she can fucking ask me herself. If YOU want to know why, i may tell you if I trust you enough.
A friend of mine here told me that she sees people she would marry as different from who she would date... is that... true?
I mean... I always figured one led into the other. What if... what if they are different? I think, personally, I'd be fucked then because I believe that one leads into another. Of course, my last girlfriend, until i realized how different we were I thought oh boy, i could see myself marrying her. BIG MISTAKE to be that naive. Seriously.
But, honestly... I think dating is sort of our way of finding out whether they could be the person you could stand to wake up to every morning. And some people can't, which explains our high divorce rate. But... I believe it can work if people work AT it.
I've always believed in finding that... sort of unspeakable true love that's deep, and hard to touch. Hard to get to, hard to understand, but not hard to feel. Knowing that you have this relationship that goes beyond words... one that would last forever.
I haven't found that yet. I hope to someday. In the meantime, I feel like all I can really confide in is myself every time I get really un....happy? Not upset, but not happy. Just sort of a dull reflective almost emo state. Not energetic. Not bouncing with joy. Not in deep sadness... just... somewhere in Limbo.
In case anyone wondered, thats where I went tonight. I wandered the grounds until i was fed up with wandering and thinking and came back here to my room. I dunno what else i can do, except to write; and write i have.
One more thing I feel I should touch on is sex before marriage. I would go back and add it in, but what I like about these is they flow well.
Do I believe in sex before marriage? I think... after getting aquainted slightly more with it, I feel like it should be done. I mean... think about it. You have to know if you're going to connect sexually and/or if it's something that's important to you as a couple or as individuals. Through experimentations with my ex, although at first our general idea was "wow, if we have sex it'll be amazing" i began to have my doubts, just based on her performance in what we already did (and since we didn't do a TON, the hints were quite subtle).
But imagine it this way... if intellectual conversations were something you thought important to you in marriage, or communication even, would you go through your whole dating career with that person without speaking a word to each other before you got married and try it out afterward?
For anyone young, I'm definitely not promoting promiscuity. I think sleeping around or being a slut in either gender isn't a good idea. I do believe, however, if you have a committed partner, and you've been together long enough and through at least a couple fights to know each other well enough, i think it would be a good idea to go farther if you both want to. Before marriage. Pregnancy could be a risk factor, but I still believe it's essential to knowing the other person well. Honestly, you don't REALLY know a person TRULY well until you sleep with them, right?
And I don't mean just oh, well we've been together for a year... let's have sex and see what happens. No. It should be eased into. Maybe if you've come close a couple times, you're prepared enough to know you could go all the way. If you've experimented with... shall we say "other methods" of sex, then it's possible you could be ready for it. But don't jump into it with someone. Ease into it, make sure you're both comfortable with each other and where you're going to go.
So fucking hell I start by talking about myself and get into all of this random shit. Whatever. My problems may never be fixed, but tomorrow I'll probably feel amazingly better regardless even though nothing will change. Although, I suppose since I will get to see someone who I believe does have an effect on me tomorrow, maybe that will help. Who fucking knows.