unification
I just spoke on a panel with 2 others for EDF210 - a class that was focusing on student activism. I really am torched up and feel like i've been suppressing this need that I've always felt inside me to do something about the issues that I feel are pertinent and necessary. Why have they been taking a backseat in my life? Why is sleeping 12 hours per day more important and why is finding a house to live in the #1 thing on my priority list? Why has everything in my life gone from me wanting to make changes - social, political, spiritual (personal) - to me becoming this apathetic crap-bag of nothing? I met the most amazing 3 people today. I mean, just one of them could change my perception of myself, without even speaking directly to me or about me.
It really makes me question what things I have been trying to do all my life - what my first passion was, what the fuck I'm DOING up here - the fact that I have felt less secure with my Self, because I haven't been active. I have participated, sure, but it's soft. It hasn't been hard edged, it hasn't made me go out there and say "Fuck eating dinner, fuck writing this paper, fuck going to my math class for the 30th time - I'm going to go to this, I'm going to raise my own awareness again and I'm going to take that time to figure out what the truth is and what I'm going to do about it.
Could I just stop all this? I mean, could I just walk away from my intentions, from my big "plan" and do what makes me feel like myself? I think i've found this missing link - this problem with myself in the past year. Why I hate school, why I question where I am. I know why, now.
And I'm not going to sit here and beat myself over the head with frustration and pathetic-will. And I sure as hell am not going to just sit here anymore. Fuck that noise, I know what I love and I know what makes me love and makes other people radiate that goodness and how I can become centered again within my being.
...and i'm fucking late for class and i don't really mind!
It really makes me question what things I have been trying to do all my life - what my first passion was, what the fuck I'm DOING up here - the fact that I have felt less secure with my Self, because I haven't been active. I have participated, sure, but it's soft. It hasn't been hard edged, it hasn't made me go out there and say "Fuck eating dinner, fuck writing this paper, fuck going to my math class for the 30th time - I'm going to go to this, I'm going to raise my own awareness again and I'm going to take that time to figure out what the truth is and what I'm going to do about it.
Could I just stop all this? I mean, could I just walk away from my intentions, from my big "plan" and do what makes me feel like myself? I think i've found this missing link - this problem with myself in the past year. Why I hate school, why I question where I am. I know why, now.
And I'm not going to sit here and beat myself over the head with frustration and pathetic-will. And I sure as hell am not going to just sit here anymore. Fuck that noise, I know what I love and I know what makes me love and makes other people radiate that goodness and how I can become centered again within my being.
...and i'm fucking late for class and i don't really mind!