Fic: Sex for Dummies (pt. 2)
Sex for Dummies (part 2 of 2)
by Solitaire
“Well?” Sanzo asked when he heard the door click open, then shut. “What’re those two idiots up to?”
“Huh?” came Goku’s voice, confused.
Sanzo’s head snapped up. “What the hell are you doing in here? And where’s Hakkai?”
With a shrug, Goku tossed his pillow onto the mattress, then belly-flopped after it. “He kicked me out. Said I was bein’ a ‘bad influence’ on Gojyo, can you believe it?!”
“Yes.” Sanzo shook the paper, adjusted his reading glasses, took a deep pull off his cigarette, and finally scowled.
“What the hell are you staring at??”
“Why do’ya sleep in all your clothes, Sanzo? Isn’t it uncomfortable?”
Sanzo looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. Goku absently raised a hand to the side of his neck to check.
“Maybe I’d prefer not to be caught stark naked, should any more of Kougaiji’s lackeys choose to attack in the middle of the night,” he snapped, irritated by Goku’s idiocy.
And Goku knew spending all that time with the pervy cockroach had done something to him, because while before, the idea of naked!Sanzo fighting youkai would’ve made him laugh, now...huh.
“No one said you had to sleep naked,” Goku mumbled, wiping at his nose with the back of a hand.
Sanzo frowned. “Is that blood?”
~*~*~*~
That night, Goku’s dreams were desultory and unsettling.
He dreamt that Hakkai had given him a new book to read--which he did, sometimes--and wouldn’t let him have dinner until he’d finished. Which was really unfair, because he was sooo hungry. But when Goku opened the book, he couldn’t read any of the characters.
“Here,” said Gojyo, approaching suddenly. He pointed to the page. “It’s about the care and feeding of cicadas,” and Goku realized he could understand it after all.
“Don’t let Sanzo know you can read it,” Hakkai warned.
“Why?” Goku asked, wondering how far he’d have to get through this book before he’d be allowed to eat.
“Because,” Gojyo laughed, “he’s not going to want you reading his book.”
“Have you guys read it?” Goku wanted to know. For some reason he didn’t quite understand, the idea made him a bit jealous.
“Only parts,” Gojyo admitted. “He always catches us right before it really starts to get interesting.”
Goku was curious. “Do I have a book?”
“Of course,” Hakkai told him with a smile. “Sanzo has it. Though I’m not sure why...”
Gojyo shrugged. “Maybe he really is interested in the adventures of the Full Belly Brigade.”
Goku had no idea what book this was, but he liked the sound of it.
~*~*~*~
“Didja get in trouble?” Goku wanted to know, the next day as they left the inn to purchase supplies.
Gojyo shot him an annoyed glare. “What, Hakkai’s my wife now or something?”
“Or somethin’,” Goku agreed, and decided not to mention Gojyo’s limp.
“Shut’cher mouth, if you wanna hear the rest’a the words of wisdom I have to impart.” Spending so much time with the punk was starting to wear on him. How the hell did Sanzo put up with this for seven years?
“Where’re we going, anyway?” Goku demanded. “Isn’t the general store that way?”
“We’ll get there. First, we need to pick up a few ‘supplies’ of our own. Then we’re gonna have a little safe-sex lesson.”
“But Sanzo’n I are both guys! It’s not like one’a us can...get pregnant.”
Gojyo stopped and stared. “I hope you felt as stupid saying that as I did, hearing it.”
~*~*~*~
“For the last time,” Hakkai assured him, “I have no idea what they were discussing so intently. I couldn’t get a word from Gojyo.” He continued to sedately fold laundry into four neat piles, his back to the monk. “Goku may have been more forthcoming but, alas, I chased him off before I thought to ask...”
“Bullshit.”
Hakkai shrugged, and peered back over his shoulder, smiling in a way Sanzo didn’t think he liked. “I take it you couldn’t get anything out of Goku, either?”
Sanzo ‘hmph’ed and glared down at the map laid out before him on the table, as if it were the one keeping secrets from him. “He was babbling in his sleep about kanji and insects; it was weirder than usual.” Sniffing, he stubbed out his cigarette. “(And that’s saying something.)”
“I haven’t the faintest,” Hakkai agreed, and returned to rolling socks. “On a completely unrelated note, you don’t particularly have any qualms about breaking your religious vows, do you, Sanzo?”
Pushing aside his half-eaten bowl of beef curry, the priest dropped his cigarette butt into the empty beer can in front of him and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms with a bark of laughter. “Are there any I’ve missed?”
“Oh,” Hakkai replied cheerfully, “I can think of one.”
~*~*~*~
“Okay, where’re your bananas?”
“...I ate `em,” Goku admitted sheepishly.
“All of them? Goddamnit, I told you to--forget it. Just use my cucumber.”
Taking the cucumber in one hand and the little foil packet in the other, he glanced up at Gojyo uneasily.
“What’re you looking at me like that for? Go on and open it.” Gojyo leaned back in his chair and puffed at his cigarette like mad. Hell, he should’a had Hakkai do this part. At least Hakkai had the ‘school nurse’ vibe going for him. Gojyo just felt like a dirty old man.
Goku tore the foil with his teeth--a natural! Gojyo wanted to laugh--and pulled out the circle of latex.
“Alright, now place it over the head--um, top, the top of the cucumber. No, it’s upside-down, turn it around...not the cucumber, dimwit!”
“Argh, you could at least show me once, you ass, instead of yellin’ at me!”
“Fine!” Gojyo snapped. “Gimme that.” Holding the vegetable steady in one hand, he positioned the rubber with the other, then rolled it down with a few quick strokes. “There, see? Easy as pie.” Cherry pie, he was dying to say, but he didn’t want to set the kid off again. He then demonstrated removal and disposal.
“Any questions?”
“Um...no.” Goku’s slightly frightened gaze was still riveted to the cucumber.
“Good.” Gojyo set it aside and rummaged through the shopping bag, pulling out something shaped like a small tube of toothpaste. “Let’s move on.”
~*~*~*~
He’d fought with Hakkai. Yelled, threatened, shot at the man. It didn’t make any difference, in the end.
Yes, he was aware Goku was nineteen years old. No, he didn’t really expect Goku to remain ignorant for the rest of his life. No, as a matter of fact, he did not think they needed to be having this conversation. Ever.
Yes, he realized he was perhaps being the slightest bit unreasonable, but he wasn’t about to admit that one aloud.
Hakkai suggested that if Goku felt this way, it was because Sanzo had refused to put a name to their relationship: lack of definition meant an absence of strict boundaries and Goku, Hakkai insisted, could hardly be faulted for crossing boundaries he didn’t know existed.
Sanzo suggested Hakkai mind his own damn business, and mind his kappa while he was at it.
So now he was brooding and smoking and trying to decide the best way to nip this in the bud. He would have to sit the monkey down and explain that there were different types of ‘love,’ and while some were appropriate under certain conditions, others were not.
Goku would probably fight. Yell, threaten, throw pillows at his head. It wouldn’t do him any good, in the end.
You couldn’t argue against superior logic.
~*~*~*~
“A kiss,” Gojyo informed him all-knowingly, “isn’t just a kiss. It’s like an opening offer. Too stingy, and no one’s gonna be interested in what you’re selling. Too much too fast, and you’re gonna scare `em off with the reek of desperation.”
Goku was hanging on his every word; Gojyo could practically see him taking mental notes.
“Not too desperate. Got it.”
Gojyo paused to reconsider. “Y’know, I can sit here all day and tell you what it’s like, but it won’t help you much with the reality of it.”
Goku wore a worried expression that didn’t bode well for his vow of ‘no desperation.’ “But you promised--”
Gojyo waved him off with a leer. “What you really need is some practical experience.”
“Wha-whodja--no way!” Goku hollered, both hands clapping over his mouth.
“Not with me, moron!” Gojyo snapped. “Ugh. Not even if you begged nicely and paid me.” He flipped Goku off.
“Well then who?” the kid demanded, exasperated.
Gojyo shrugged. “We’re in a town full of people. I’m sure you can find a few, nice girls your age.”
Goku frowned hesitantly. “But Sanzo--”
“Probably doesn’t know shit more about kissing than you do. Go find some girls.” Gojyo made a shooing motion. “(And bring me cigarettes when you get back, will ya?)”
~*~*~*~
When Sanzo returned twenty minutes later, herding Goku before him at fanpoint, it was Hakkai who spoke first. Mostly because Gojyo was too concerned with coordinating breathing and not doing a spit-take.
“Did something happen?”
Sanzo slapped the fan against his palm, muttering through clenched teeth. “Something’s going to happen...”
“I don’t see why you’re so bent outta shape,” Goku protested. “I wasn’t hurtin’ anybody! An’ she didn’t seem to mind--”
The fan was a blur in Sanzo’s hand, and then Goku was kneeling with a grimace of pain, clutching the back of his head.
“You two had something to do with this, didn’t you?” the priest seethed.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gojyo replied airily. “--Didja get cigarettes while you were out?”
The bullet kissed his cheek before lodging itself into the wall behind him.
“You--!” Sanzo growled, kicking Goku’s ass toward the stairs, “are coming with me.”
~*~*~*~
“Alright,” Sanzo sighed, having positioned his chair to block any escape attempts. He rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. He had debated long and hard with himself, and come to the conclusion that the direct approach was best when one was dealing with stupid monkeys.
“I know what you’ve been doing with Gojyo, and I want you to cut it the hell out, because it’s not gonna happen.”
Goku glared sulkily from across the room where he sat on the bed, and hugged his pillow tighter. “But I thought you’d at least--”
“No.”
“But I--”
“No.”
“But that’s--!”
“Don’t make me repeat myself again!”
“But why?!” Goku demanded.
Sanzo glowered, turning away. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”
“That’s crap, Sanzo!” the brunet shouted, flinging the pillow to the corner of the room and jumping to his feet. “I understand just fine! You’re the one who doesn’t understand. I’m not a little kid anymore, so stop treating me like one!”
“Oh really?” He cleaned out his ear with his little finger stolidly. “Maybe I’ll treat you like an adult when I see you start behaving like one.”
Which, in retrospect, was probably just the opening he was waiting for.
Sanzo struggled briefly against the embrace, but Goku was a characteristically tenacious teenager with youkai strength, and the monk finally surrendered, before he had a chance to embarrass himself further.
He was, Sanzo rationalized with Goku’s wet, warm mouth on his and Goku’s hand cradling the back of his skull, only human.
~*~*~*~
“It’s awfully quiet up there. You don’t suppose he killed Goku, after all?”
“Nah.” Tilting his chair onto its back legs, Gojyo practiced blowing smoke rings toward the ceiling. “We would’ve heard gunshots. And screaming. Plenty of screaming.”
“Strangulation, then?” Hakkai ventured, and Gojyo sighed, raking his hair from his face.
“You’re so unromantic, baby.”
“So you think Goku was successful?” the brunet asked with a small, amused smile.
“Even after you went and squealed to Sanzo? Yeah.” Gojyo shrugged. “It was only a matter of time.”
“Indeed?” It was said in an off-hand sort of tone, and Gojyo reflected that Hakkai was the only guy who could get away with saying something like ‘indeed’ and not come off pretentious.
“Well,” he decided after a moment of silence, “if the monkey does a good enough job, we may actually get to sleep past dawn tomorrow.”
Hakkai raised his glass. “Kanpai.”
~*~*~*~
The rest was heat: the touch of tongue and lips, the scrape of teeth, the scratch of fingernails, and when it was all over, Sanzo knew he’d have bruises the next day.
At least Goku’s shirt would hide the bite mark on his shoulder.
But it was okay, the brunet assured him as they lay back-to-chest, ragged breaths mingling and their heartbeats finally beginning to slow, because they could do it again in a few minutes.
“What, three in a row isn’t enough?” Sanzo griped, but didn’t bother slapping away Goku’s wandering hands this time. Sanzo knew an exercise in futility when he saw one.
“Sanzo,” he sighed breathlessly, “I love you. Really, really love you. I’m super in-love with you.”
“Idiot. Don’t say ‘super.’”
Goku grinned widely, and leaned in to kiss away that scowl until it became a hint of a smile.
“Super, super in love,” he insisted.
~*~*~*~
end.