The things we do just to keep ourselves alive
motherfucker. Here's the update. I hate the fact that I'm not the one, ever. Always second place. This is going to be almost 2 years of fucking emotions. This will also probably be my last entry in this. ever. Worse things have happened to better people, by far. I don't think that my "problems" are any worse than those of my friends. but this is me. the one I hide from everyone.
The one I hide from everyone.
I hope no one ever reads this. I hope no one ever cares... no one would like me if they knew what went on inside my head. Life would be so much easier without these fucking emotions running through my head all the time. the ones I run from. you know the ones. love. happiness. shit like that. I didn't have time to think about those with school and work. now that school is out, I have to face the reality of this all over again. the fact that I'll Always play second fiddle to Newman with Amy. always. What a cluster fuck that was. How could I have been so stupid to get in the way of them the way I did. how dare I think myself right for her? I know she's gonna read this and freak out, but fuck it. I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of missing her. of feeling like I fucked up. like I tried to hard. best relationship I've ever had. But still, I have a monkey on my back about it all. like not everything was the way it seemed. almost like it was a pity thing. I keep telling myself, "no Bobby. she cared about you. it was real ." but I know her mind drifted to him while we were together. how could it not?
"So let's face it, this was never what you wanted but I know its fun to pretend"
He said it, and she said it too. " The girl of his dreams..." she was mine too. but what does that matter? It doesn't. I fought too hard. pushed to far. almost fucked a great friendship or two. not like he hadn't fucked me before. he's everything I'm not. but shit happens. I forgive, but never forget. that's why I'll always find myself in this hole. i'm not the only one that dug it, but when it comes time to lower the casket, I'll be the only one down here. I'm not attacking anyone here, least of all amy. I'm just so fucking bitter about it.I shouldn't be. and I've been doing good until recently. then it all came back when I read her lj. I hate this fucking thing, haha. I'm so bitter about everything....
I just wish I could get it right.
I mean, why is it that everytime I pull away from gillian's house, I feel that I'm missing something? same thing when i drive up or down lookout. I feel, I don't know, like I've let myself down. I gave my all for those girls. everything. all my heart, all of me. and they still know where to hit me where it hurts the most. God forbid I ever get either of you out of my head. I was fucked up in the head for a long time because of gilly. I gave her my all, but I was naive. but still, it hurt. I was hurt for a long long time. still kinda am. I wish we could stop playing games though. I'm so tired of this gill, I really am. If you love me so much, and think I'm so great and all that, then why aren't we? why do you always make me think there is something, then you go out and find some other fucking asshole? what did I do? what did I say? almost 4 years we've played this game. you've broken me more times than I care to remember. it's not all their fault though. It's mine too. I let myself feel this way. I let myself loathe, let myself fear. I'm insecure. I don't like myself. I'm afraid of being alone.
I fear everything I want.
I'm not where I wanted to be in life. I always thought there was so much more than this. So far, it hasn't been anything. it's been five years of the same broken heart, the same endless rhymes about how I feel inside. 5 years of dying friendships, false pretenses and empty threats. an endless string of build-ups and letdowns; forced smiles and fake laughs. what will the next 5 years bring for me? hopefully something better than all this. one day I'll stop feeling like this. I've been hurt by so many other people too, but these are my big hang ups.
And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing
And how safe it is to feel safe. - city and colour
fuck you heart. you've never done me any good anyways.
The one I hide from everyone.
I hope no one ever reads this. I hope no one ever cares... no one would like me if they knew what went on inside my head. Life would be so much easier without these fucking emotions running through my head all the time. the ones I run from. you know the ones. love. happiness. shit like that. I didn't have time to think about those with school and work. now that school is out, I have to face the reality of this all over again. the fact that I'll Always play second fiddle to Newman with Amy. always. What a cluster fuck that was. How could I have been so stupid to get in the way of them the way I did. how dare I think myself right for her? I know she's gonna read this and freak out, but fuck it. I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of missing her. of feeling like I fucked up. like I tried to hard. best relationship I've ever had. But still, I have a monkey on my back about it all. like not everything was the way it seemed. almost like it was a pity thing. I keep telling myself, "no Bobby. she cared about you. it was real ." but I know her mind drifted to him while we were together. how could it not?
"So let's face it, this was never what you wanted but I know its fun to pretend"
He said it, and she said it too. " The girl of his dreams..." she was mine too. but what does that matter? It doesn't. I fought too hard. pushed to far. almost fucked a great friendship or two. not like he hadn't fucked me before. he's everything I'm not. but shit happens. I forgive, but never forget. that's why I'll always find myself in this hole. i'm not the only one that dug it, but when it comes time to lower the casket, I'll be the only one down here. I'm not attacking anyone here, least of all amy. I'm just so fucking bitter about it.I shouldn't be. and I've been doing good until recently. then it all came back when I read her lj. I hate this fucking thing, haha. I'm so bitter about everything....
I just wish I could get it right.
I mean, why is it that everytime I pull away from gillian's house, I feel that I'm missing something? same thing when i drive up or down lookout. I feel, I don't know, like I've let myself down. I gave my all for those girls. everything. all my heart, all of me. and they still know where to hit me where it hurts the most. God forbid I ever get either of you out of my head. I was fucked up in the head for a long time because of gilly. I gave her my all, but I was naive. but still, it hurt. I was hurt for a long long time. still kinda am. I wish we could stop playing games though. I'm so tired of this gill, I really am. If you love me so much, and think I'm so great and all that, then why aren't we? why do you always make me think there is something, then you go out and find some other fucking asshole? what did I do? what did I say? almost 4 years we've played this game. you've broken me more times than I care to remember. it's not all their fault though. It's mine too. I let myself feel this way. I let myself loathe, let myself fear. I'm insecure. I don't like myself. I'm afraid of being alone.
I fear everything I want.
I'm not where I wanted to be in life. I always thought there was so much more than this. So far, it hasn't been anything. it's been five years of the same broken heart, the same endless rhymes about how I feel inside. 5 years of dying friendships, false pretenses and empty threats. an endless string of build-ups and letdowns; forced smiles and fake laughs. what will the next 5 years bring for me? hopefully something better than all this. one day I'll stop feeling like this. I've been hurt by so many other people too, but these are my big hang ups.
And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing
And how safe it is to feel safe. - city and colour
fuck you heart. you've never done me any good anyways.