No matter what I do, it kicks me in the dick.
I can't ask for help. I can't do it. I can't ask people for help, and I can't admit when I need something or someone. And the more important something is, the moreso that applies.
I've been conditioned since I was a small child that asking for help or showing weakness of any kind leads to ridicule, humiliation, degradation and sometimes even scorn or punishment. That was what I learned when I was a child. It was beaten into my head for years and years. It's not something I can just reverse.
Eventually, I learned to bottle my feelings. I learned that they were weakness and that they led to reprisal from almost all outside elements. Further than that, I learned to be almost completely stoic. I presented myself on the outside as complete pretense. This is how I spent the latter half of my teenage years. I wasn't a person. What little I did show was entirely fake.
Then, someone very dear to me showed me how to be a real person. They woke me up. Allowed me to see that it was ok to be the person I was under everything. They completely changed me. And I am much better for it.
But here I am. Nearly ten years later. After 8-9 years of experience.... I still can't handle it all. I'm still an incomplete person, and I still seem to take as many steps backwards as I do forward. I'm no longer a loner, in fact I seem to be entirely useless if I am on my own. Yet I cannot ask people for support.
In all of this, I seem to have developed a need for co-dependency. I don't know how to take care of myself and I am incapable of asking even those closest to me for help, so I try my best to help others in spite of my own needs. Eventually, this behavior was bound to fuck up my life completely, but it's all I knew. And it seems that now is the time it has chosen to strike.
I am a weak, incomplete person and everyone who has ever grown close to me deserves better. I needlessly burden those I care about and who care about me. And I don't think that's ever actually going to change. It hasn't thus far, even at times in which I've thought I made so much progress.... It all just lands me right back at the beginning.
I apologize to anyone who ever loved me, considered me a friend or cared for me in any capacity. I have failed you all so severely. You do deserve better...
I've been conditioned since I was a small child that asking for help or showing weakness of any kind leads to ridicule, humiliation, degradation and sometimes even scorn or punishment. That was what I learned when I was a child. It was beaten into my head for years and years. It's not something I can just reverse.
Eventually, I learned to bottle my feelings. I learned that they were weakness and that they led to reprisal from almost all outside elements. Further than that, I learned to be almost completely stoic. I presented myself on the outside as complete pretense. This is how I spent the latter half of my teenage years. I wasn't a person. What little I did show was entirely fake.
Then, someone very dear to me showed me how to be a real person. They woke me up. Allowed me to see that it was ok to be the person I was under everything. They completely changed me. And I am much better for it.
But here I am. Nearly ten years later. After 8-9 years of experience.... I still can't handle it all. I'm still an incomplete person, and I still seem to take as many steps backwards as I do forward. I'm no longer a loner, in fact I seem to be entirely useless if I am on my own. Yet I cannot ask people for support.
In all of this, I seem to have developed a need for co-dependency. I don't know how to take care of myself and I am incapable of asking even those closest to me for help, so I try my best to help others in spite of my own needs. Eventually, this behavior was bound to fuck up my life completely, but it's all I knew. And it seems that now is the time it has chosen to strike.
I am a weak, incomplete person and everyone who has ever grown close to me deserves better. I needlessly burden those I care about and who care about me. And I don't think that's ever actually going to change. It hasn't thus far, even at times in which I've thought I made so much progress.... It all just lands me right back at the beginning.
I apologize to anyone who ever loved me, considered me a friend or cared for me in any capacity. I have failed you all so severely. You do deserve better...